AKA: Kunio and Riki
As seen in: River City Ransom (NES)
Also in: Super Dodge Ball (NES)
Distinguishing feature: Dimpled butts.
Strengths: Inspirational to Canadians, fists transform thugs into honor students.
Weaknesses: Free smiles.
Profile by Tomm Hulett | December 4, 2009
Everyone’s heard of Alex and Ryan. Whether you remember them as the trend-setters who had every high school teen earning spare change by beating up classmates, or the athletes who set the sports world (and their sports equipment) on fire, chances are you recognize them by their first names alone. And yet, you probably don’t know everything about these two duck-tailed toughs. In fact, much of what you know is likely erroneous.
Possibly the biggest misconception surrounding Alex and Ryan is that they’re childhood friends, when in fact this couldn’t be further from the truth. Rivals at worst, and uneasy allies at best, Alex and Ryan actually first met in Renegade, when Alex defeated the Stage 1 biker gang headed by then-miscreant, Ryan. In the first demonstration of “the study punch,” Alex knocked Ryan from the wrong side of the tracks into college-prep curriculum at Cross Town High. Yes, that’s right; Ryan never actually attended Alex’s alma mater, RCHS.
More than one scandal rag has coupled Cyndi and Alex as sweethearts, but you may be surprised to hear that Ryan is actually the cheerleader’s main squeeze. Alex stopped dating altogether after things went sour with Roxy Miller, who briefly tried to reconcile with her beau after kicking “Slick” Simon to the curb. Alex, however, chose to focus on his sports career instead. Lastly, regardless of anything you may have heard, Alex and Ryan have absolutely never been to, or thought about going to, the island nation of Japan.
The biggest mystery of all surrounding these dragon-footed superstars is of course details of their fate after leaving the Acro Circus. Life can’t be perfect forever, unfortunately. Their metabolisms unable to adjust to a lifestyle that didn’t include jump-kicking, ball-dodging, or extreme sports, the pair’s habit of overeating before, after, and during strenuous activity caught up to them. The consequences were inevitable. Overweight and in poor health, Alex and Ryan staggered past their primes and into obscurity. Though time has forgotten them, none of us will ever forget their brave actions in the suburban sprawl of River City.