As seen in: Donkey Kong Jr. (Arcade)
Also in: Super Mario Kart (SNES)
Distinguishing feature: Vacant expression.
Strengths: Upper-arm strength.
Profile by Jeremy Parish | January 8, 2010
Many is the anthropologist whose life ended in a flash of teeth and ropy arms and piercing howls after assuming that, due to their general air of lethargy and their gentle-looking eyes, the great simians are docile and heartwarming friends to mankind. Inside those big, shapeless sacks of hair are deadly sinews and durable bones built for destruction and murder.
So when history recounts the fact that Donkey Kong Jr., son of the legendary gorilla, was in fact a frothing psychopath, it should register less as a shock than as a matter of, "Well, of course." Although he certainly had impetus for his rage -- namely, the abduction of his father -- Jr. let his base nature dominate his mind long after his vengeance was complete. Few could fault him for pursuing his imprisoned patriarch and for intimidating Kong's captor, a zoo employee and former construction worker named Mario, but Jr. took it too far.
He started calling his quarry's girlfriend Pauline at odd hours of the night, breathing heavily and cackling softly into the phone. He would sit on his victim's front walk for hours on end, unmoving, unblinking, terrorizing Mario to such a degree that he wouldn't leave his home for days at a time. He once sent a package containing nothing but a replica of Mario's trademark cap, emblazoned with the letter M, and a copy of "Dial M for Murder." Even after Mario filed for a restraining order, Jr. would continue to harass him in subtle ways that couldn't conclusively be traced back to him. But Mario knew. And Jr. knew Mario knew.
When both Mario and his brother Luigi vanished abruptly overnight, suspicion fell immediately on Jr. The fact that the men had disappeared without a trace meant nothing; Jr. was known for his voracious appetite and was certainly large enough to devour two men. To the frustration of law enforcement agents, though, Jr. caught wind of their manhunt -- er, apehunt -- and promptly left the country. Currently, he's believed to reside in South America, jealously guarding a hoard of bananas that quietly rots alongside the simian's very sanity, lashing out at all he suspects of coveting his potassium-rich bounty. Rumor has it that single-handedly launched a pogrom of vengeance that caused the near-extinction of the region's crocodiles, despite the obvious fact that a carnivorous species would have little interest in his pile of mushy fruit. But then, who expects logic from a frothing psychopath?