First Appearance: Boulder Dash (First Star Soft, C64)
Distinguishing Feature: Squarish rondure
Strengths: Girth
Weaknesses: A bit of a pushover

Profile by Jeremy Signor? | February 12, 2011

My dearest Crystal,

I hope that this letter finds you well. By the time you read this, I will most likely be dead alone in a deep cavern in the pursuit of a better life for you, me, and little Timmy. I can no longer take watching my loving family live in squalor when they deserve so much more. That is why I risk life and limb to track down the deposits of diamonds that centuries of strip mining havenít already exhausted. But success is not likely, as the feared Boulders stand between me and my goal.

I have taken all the necessary precautions before embarking on this suicide mission. I have read the works of famed spelunker Taizo Hori and learned how not only to avoid being flattened, but to use geology to my advantage and kill any pursuers with it by luring them into a makeshift trap. I have been utilizing Taizoís techniques to dispatch strange mutations of insects and slime-like creatures, and it seems to be working as well as my research indicated it would. The only reason I held on to any hope I would live to see you again is because of Taizoís tenacity and the fact that his son, Susumu, saw his daddy come back alive. I had hoped the same for Timmy.

But Taizo never encountered what my eyes have seen. While his adventures took place in caverns of his own design, solid rock was few and far between. The cave I find myself in, however, was filled with a special breed of Boulder that I have come to dread ever since I stepped foot inside this cave. You see, these are not ordinary rocks, as they seem to follow identical rules in lieu of following the laws of physics. If there is nothing holding up a Boulder, it will fall straight down, wind resistance be damned. However, they will not fall unless no part of their lower mass is supported by anything. They also seem to be magnetically repellant to each other, as they will not rest on top of one another if they are not trapped by dirt. Worst of all, they seem to spontaneously combust when they kill intrepid explorers like myself. One false dig and I will be dead from a cave-in. I was not prepared for this.

Fortunately, I adapted to the cavernís strange rules and used the wicked Boulders to my advantage. I utilized the Taizo Method more than once, but I gleefully found that I could actually push these Boulders so long as nothing was in their way. This meant more direct mayhem was possible when dispatching foes. It was also a bit surprising, as I found strength I never knew I had, especially since my build is essentially that of a squishy frog. But then, I probably should have guessed, since the Taizo Method required that I dig all the dirt from underneath a Boulder while simultaneously holding it above my head until I moved out of the way. However, one thing I donít feel comfortable doing is trying to catch a falling boulder, as Iím fairly sure that would end in tragedy.

There are many riches here waiting to be liberated of this dreadful cave, but hundreds of these damn Boulders stand in my way in patterns that almost feel like someone put them there on purpose, fulfilling a divine design of some sort. If that is the case, I will not be coming back alive. Tell Timmy I love him, and just know that everything I do is for you.

I love you,


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