Alias: Cranky Kong; Monkey Donkey; Crazy Kong
M.O. Abduction and large-scale industrial damage; Is not actually a donkey
First appearance: Donkey Kong (Nintendo, ARC, 1981)
Known crimes: Kidnapping a woman; Attempted murder of a plumber

Profile by Jeremy Signor? | April 2, 2011

You kids today donít know the first thing about real platforming. You all have been spoiled by your fancy 3D whatsits and your silly scrolling screens. Back in my day, we didnít have any of that mumbojumbo. We had to make do with what we had. Heck, even us villains had it harder. You think I could find a cosmic power that could turn me into a giant floating god-like being like that brute Bowser? No, we had to get things done old-school style. Barrels werenít a thing you got shot out of to advance. We threw them at pesky plumbers trying to steal back the women we rightfully stole. If we were lucky, it would light on fire. We didnít need silly things like ďmovingĒ back in the day except to retreat to the next stage.

Not like heroes had it easy either. They were ever so fragile, dying when they fell too far. But even though they had power-ups like the dreaded hammer, we stayed one step ahead of the heroes, hiding in a cement factory and throwing dangerous springboards instead of barrels. Back in my day, villains were at least four times as flexible as the one-note bosses of today. Sure, youíll occasionally see final bosses transform once or twice, but you rarely see any sort of challenge from them. Our difficulty curve wasnít flashy, but it was effective.

See, back in my day, one screen at a time was enough. The amount of detail and design you can pack onto one screen is not to be underestimated. The density of obstacles rivaled many of your confounding scrolling platformers. There was no room for padding the levels. You had to stack the deck against the hero through sheer variety, and that takes real work. Not like the lazy villains you have today, who seem content to send an endless amount of goons at the hero, only to all be killed like the fodder characters they are. Back in my day, we took our hero-killing seriously and approached it with finesse. Modern villains are downright clumsy.

Sure, as time went on, I tried to stay one step ahead, evolving my approach as I went. But I never gave in to the faddish tendencies of the era. The levels were still quite simple, only one or two screens long. However, there was complexity within this simple setup. Doors, levers, moving platforms, and traps all stood in the way of that hero and me, much more than my first attempt. I certainly outdid myself, if I do say so. Heck, I did it without all that silly color that was all the rage in games. The last thing we needed was to be as tarted up as that woman I took!

The younger generation just doesnít understand. Take my lazy son, for instance. Not only was he forced to play the hero and save me from an uncharacteristically evil Mario?, but he ended up forgoing his villainous heritage by starring in his own pre-rendered adventures. Bah! Back in my day, we didnít have pre-rendered backgrounds, or even backgrounds in general. Didnít need íem! All they do is tart up a perfectly fine game. And he had a controllable friend come with him. What rubbish! A hero going up against a villain was always a one-against-many affair. The hero didnít bring anything with him but his wits and the occasional hammer. Dumb, perhaps, but he certainly gave me a run for my money. Heck, my son doesnít even die when he falls from too high! How far standards have fallen! Everyoneís spoiled, I tell you!

Now get off my lawn, you damn dirty kids!

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