First Appearance: Castlevania (Konami, NES, 1987)
Distinguishing Feature: Widow’s peak; Likes to hang out in physically impossible towers; Appetite for human blood; Impressive secondary and tertiary forms
Strengths: Fire-flinging; ability to return to life every hundred years (or whenever loyal fanatics find a virgin to sacrifice)
Weaknesses: Stakes; Garlic; Holy icons; Inability to feel love

Profile by Jake Alley? | February 23, 2011

“Look. I realize how hard it is to find workers willing to come all the way out here, but you were supposed to have finished construction months ago! Yes, yes, yes, I’m sure a fair number of laborers fell to their death. I was down in that corridor this afternoon and every time I put a bit of weight down on those floorboards they flipped right around their support beams and nearly dumped me off. What the hell are you people using for fasteners anyway? And while we’re on the subject of supports, do you know what one of your employees did after his lunch break? Hmm? He left a turkey leg, an entire roast turkey leg, just lying on the beam next to him! What if that had rolled off, hmm? What then? I’d have this enormous castle with random bits of meat hidden behind all the masonry! Do you realize how disgusting that would be?

“Oh, don’t you dare bring up my zombies. Yes, they have some problems with their personal hygiene, but at least they do a satisfactory job. Your people can’t even construct a stairwell without half the steps coming loose when someone walks up it. I’m having my good friend Death over this weekend for dinner. My son should be coming back from military school and we were going to discuss his future. Yes, the one with all the hair. Right, and the frilly clothes. If nothing else he’s coming home with a proper crew cut, we’ll have to see if his attitude’s been improved any. We won’t be eating in the new dining hall, though—no, you’ve seen to that haven’t you! Well, yes, it so happens we can all just fly up, but have you seen my kitchen staff? Explain to me how a group of skeletons are supposed to carry all that food up a collapsing flight of stairs, hmm? Two of them actually got stuck in the main stairwell the other day. One had to disassemble the other bone by bone and throw him down the stairwell to find someone to help! It was awful!

“Then of course there’s the—oh, hang on. Yes, what is it? A visitor? Not on the list? Whip? Leather miniskirt? Of course not! How dare you imply that! Yes, I’m having you build a dungeon full of torture devices but those are for administering punishment to the local peasantry! I’d never indulge in that sort of... lifestyle. Oh, you say Alucard is with him? Wonderful. So much for military school. Well, go light the candles, I’ll deal with them after I’m done here. Yes, yes, I know.

“Now then, where were we? Oh yes, the sloppy construction. When you left all that exposed scaffolding on the east side with no tarps over it, do you know what ended up infesting the clock tower? Do you? No, not bats! The bats I like! Medusa heads. Yeah that’s right. Disembodied heads with snakes for hair. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find an exterminator qualified to clear those out? I’m going to have to pay through the nose. That’s not half as bad as what you idiots have done in the basement, though. You realize we’re near the ocean, don’t you? Well, one of your workers broke right through, and now the entire basement is flooded. With salt water. I swear I saw some sort of fish man out by the entrance hall dripping all over the carpets! He ran off of course, but what the hell am I supposed to do about that? Hmm? Look, apparently my son and his new ‘life partner’ are on their way up here now. Why don’t you just go. And get those crosses down off the light fixtures! What the hell were you thinking, putting those in? Knock them down with a knife or something, but do it tomorrow!”

“I swear, that man is such a miserable pile of... secrets.”


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