First appearance: Genesis 1:1
Known accomplices: Christ; The Holy Spirit
Purported crimes: Letting bad things happen to good people
Weakness: Theological paradoxes

Profile by Jeremy Parish? | March 18, 2011

1In the beginning, there was the Word, and the Word was God, and the Word was of God. And God spoke the Word:


2And All was.

And God saw that All was darkness, and on the second day He spoke again:


3And the light emerged from the dark: piercing pinpricks of brilliance in the blackness of the void, giving shape to substance and bringing form to Creation. Stars and planets circled the blazing gravity well in the center, 4and Man sped through this space, subject to the weight and mass of Creation as the wedge-shaped craft dueled with the elegant needle-like rocket ship. And God saw that it was Good.

On the third day, God again spoke:


5And there was sound: jarring noise as the ball struck the paddle, staccato electric blips as the Invaders fired upon the firmament, static explosions rewarding failure, warbling shrills of despair signaling capture by the maze monsters. 6And Man heard these sounds, measuring his actions by them. And God saw that it was Good.

On the fourth day, God beheld the starkness of Creation and spoke:


7And the harsh, contrasting light of the void was softened by the panoply of tones between black and white; not only blends of the two extremes in every possible proportion, but the rainbow and all its myriad colors and shades as well; 8jewels to be collected that captured and refracted the light with their crystalline structure; metallics to glimmer off the surface of coins that could be redeemed by the hundred for a 1UP; and even subpixel hues beyond the comprehension of Manís eye, invisibly adding nuance to Creation. 9And Man exulted in these colors, creating vibrant works that were pleasing to the eye and mind. And God saw that it was Good.

On the fifth day, God surveyed the planes of existence and spoke once more:


10And the farthest points receded, creating dimensionality: the illusion of distance, parallax motion behind the foremost plane, mathematical points plotted along three axes. And Man delighted in this new axis, exulting in the perpetually unreachable end of a racetrack and the false parallel illusion of isometric space; 11and he stood tall, reaching toward the Heavens. And God saw that it was Good.

On the sixth day, God hove above the waters and spoke one final time:


12And suddenly all had a purpose: now the carpenter leapt deadly hazards to rescue his beloved from the mad gorilla; now the nameless hero explored endless dungeons in order to put an end to the reign of the cruel demonic force; now the maze monsters were to be evaded in a quest for love rather than for the sake of mere challenge. 13And the wild-eyed wizard appeared in a puff of smoke and mumbled, ďFaith,Ē and Man understood, and believed, and knew the Truth of things, and he used this baseline of Truth as a foundation upon which to build structures of fantastic words, constructing vivid tales of unreality. And God saw that it was Good.

14On the seventh day, God surveyed All that Was, and found it to his satisfaction. And so did He rest on that day.

But Man, having grown accustomed to these new gifts, felt entitled to more. 15Though he had enjoyed the works God had granted him, Man felt more could be done; though what, precisely, he knew not what. And so Man approached God and asked:

16ďO Great One, Your gifts are indeed generous, and Your Creation is truly wondrous, but what now? Are we to live without further blessings? Do You no longer intend to expand upon Your work?Ē

And God heard Manís supplications, and He was moved; yet He knew that the time had come for Man to contribute to Creation with his own works. 17And so God said nothing. 18But Man took His silence as affirmation that God had abandoned His works, and Manís heart burned with resentment.

And so Man challenged God with words:

19ďIf You are indeed the all-powerful Creator, able to accomplish any task, is it possible for You to create a rock so heavy that even You canít lift it?Ē

And God felt annoyance for the first time, because such trivial logical paradoxes were simply a function of humanityís limited perception. 20But He accepted the burden of this nuisance, for He had made Man, and He was therefore the architect of their shortcomings. So did God create a rock of such mass that even He couldnít lift it, but Manís comprehension was insufficient to grasp its nature, and Man took this as further proof of Godís failings.

And so did Man again approach God to ask:

21ďIf indeed You can create all things, can You create the impossible? For even the impossible must be possible for one who can accomplish any task.Ē

And Godís heart grew heavy, for He knew that Man couldnít begin to understand the impossible; 22and though he could indeed do impossible tasks, Manís perspective made him incapable of realizing the sublime Truth of such actions. Yet God rose to the task anyway: for Man, He constructed four special worlds, each with its own Tower; 23and the whole of each world was contained within each Tower, yet the Tower was contained within its own world, and within the other worlds as well. Each world contained all Towers, and each Tower contained all worlds, and the Towers and worlds contained one another as well. 24But Man could not perceive the totality of this work, and he was satisfied with his belief that he had once again outwitted God.

And so Man again approached his Creator and asked:

25ďIf You are the all-powerful Creator, immortal and eternal, can You create a weapon that can kill even You?Ē

And so did God create the Chainsaw, which he placed within one such Tower for Man to discover. Weary of Manís graceless challenges to His divinity, 26God then retreated to the topmost point of the Towers, the furthest extent, where He would find respite from Manís petulant questions as He rested.

And Man sought God to ask further questions, but did not find Him; so then did Man set forth into the Towers in search of God. 27And lo did he find therein Godís Chainsaw, which he claimed as his own, avaricious yet uncomprehending of its true power.

28For many hours did Man travel through the interlocking existence of the Towers in pursuit of God, besting many lesser gods along the way, until at last he reached the abode of the Creator.

And then did Man, in anger, strike God with the Chainsaw of His making. 29And God was slain; though Manís feeble comprehension regarded it as a glitch, and felt a great emptiness within himself: for though he had triumphed, 30it was a hollow and meaningless victory.

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