|First Appearance: Metroid (Nintendo, NES, 1986)|
Distinguishing Feature: Jellyfish-like form; Triple, glowing, red nuclei
Strengths: Sucking the life out of any and everything
Weaknesses: The ol’ ice beam-and-missile combo
|Profile by Jeremy Parish? | April 5, 2011|
Enclosed please find several copies of our organization’s latest publication, an informational pamphlet entitled “Metroids: Our Translucent Friends.” Every year, dozens of innocent metroids die in captivity, usually after an unfortunate power outage that frees them from their cages and leaves them huddled, frightened and alone, in cold steely laboratory corridors that disorient them with their failure to properly resemble the metroid’s natural habitat of stone and moss. This leaves them easy prey for wandering bounty hunters, men with a ruthless reputation for murdering helpless wildlife in cold blood for no greater a transgression than simply standing between them and their destination. The wanton slaughter of this rare and amazing species must stop before the damage is irreversible! Please read through the enclosed literature and consider taking a stand. Donations made be made to our cause in any local planetary currency as well as standard Galactic Credits. Every centicred counts! For the cost of one lactose-enhanced rehydrated javaberry beverage a day, you can help put an end to the decimation of one of nature’s most startling and original creations.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Founder and chair
Intergalactic Metroid Preservation League & Youth-auxiliary/I.M.P.L.Y.
Metroids: Our Translucent Friends
Consider the metroid. These xenobiotic life forms dominate the headlines, though few have ever seen them in person. Thanks to the malign interests of certain organizations in these fantastic creatures (including the Galactic Federation’s military-industrial complex), the metroid’s name has become tainted by association. For the average galactic citizen, the metroid is a boogeyman eager to suck away your very life force—a faerie tale that parents use to frighten recalcitrant children.
But is that true? While the metroid certainly has been connected to its share of unfortunate and highly publicized disasters, the fact is that in no case was a metroid an instigator of those deadly affairs. The shocking reality is that each and every one of these incidents was in a fact a power play between the Galactic Federation and a nation of secessionists, seeking to liberate themselves from the government’s oppressive rule. The metroids were merely implicated by circumstance: innocent creatures caught in the wrong place and the wrong time.
Now the Galactic Federation has mandated a kill order on all metroids, citing them as a danger to all civilization. This is a lie! In truth, the government seeks to shroud the reality of its own dark actions behind a veil of genocide and slaughter. Should you be fortunate enough to encounter a metroid in public, contact your nearest I.M.P.L.Y. office to inform them precisely where and when this encounter transpired.
Debunking Metroid Myths
1. They’re evil
Metroids are not evil! Their simple minds respond to stimuli, not moral imperatives. Evil is a failing of sentient beings. Metroids simply wish to live their lives in peace.
2. They eat everything they see
Another patent falsehood! Before its destruction at the hands of the war criminal Samus Aran, the metroid homeworld of SR-388 enjoyed a balanced ecosystem, maintaining an equilibrium—hardly the habit of a race of ravenous monsters.
3. They’re genetically crafted vampires
Again, not true. Metroids are not vampires, as they feed on energy rather than blood. Their unfortunate reputation of annihilating all life they encounter is simply the byproduct of improper handling and care by Federation scientists who have mistreated metroids in captivity.
4. They have nothing of value to offer galactic society
The biggest lie of all! Metroids have been found to be a source of boundless energy generation, not mere consumers. Federation Science’s inept handling of metroids has stymied proper research in this area, but we at I.M.P.L.Y. have the resources, the will, and the understanding to properly tap the true value of our friend, the metroid.
The Truth About Metroids
1. They’re peaceful beings
Metroids are aggressive only when threatened. They’re territorial creatures, so they perceive incursions into their territory as threats. But they would never rampage out of control and seek victims. Rumors that certain disreputable organizations hope to use them as bioweapons are merely that, although one certainly couldn’t put such underhanded action beneath the Federation.
2. They’re victims themselves
The metroid was content to live peacefully on its home world of SR-388 until it was abducted by Federation scientists and mistreated in their soulless labs. Rumors of metroid hostility are no doubt simply the response of frightened and abused creatures forced to live in terrible, unnatural environments.
3. They have amazing energy-producing properties
It’s true! Despite its general incompetence, Federation Science deduced intriguing things about metroids before the Ceres Station incident destroyed their efforts in a sad accident caused by poor reactor maintenance. We at I.M.P.L.Y. hope to expand on the Federation’s findings, harnessing the potential of this noble creature for the benefit of the galaxy.
4. They’re our friends
While it’s not wise to keep metroids as pets thanks to their hostile reaction to being removed from their native habitat (and their rapid pupation cycle), know that the metroid wishes you no harm. Let the metroid live in peace, and allow I.M.P.L.Y. the opportunity to be the galactic ambassador to these lovable beings.
Metroid Safety Tips
1. Should you encounter a metroid in the wild, do not panic! Remain calm and make no threatening gestures. Back away slowly, audibly complaining about how lethargic you are. This will convince the metroid that you are poor in energy resources and not worth the risk of attacking.
2. Distract it with alternate energy sources. A spare energy tank is effective, but it will happily consume wildlife or a beloved pet instead.
3. If captured by a metroid, keep a clear head and respond calmly. Stop, drop, and roll. Then lay down a number of bombs, which will knock it clear of your body.
4. Should you be unable to calm an enraged metroid, recall that Metroids are vulnerable to cold, so attempt to trap it in a refrigeration unit and deliver it to your local I.M.P.L.Y. headquarters for medical attention and rehabilitation.
5. Should you encounter a metroid in a post-larval state, make peace with your creator. However, metroids are known to pupate only in their native habitat of SR-388 (now destroyed), so this should not be a danger.