First Appearance: Bubble Bobble (Taito, ARC, 1985)
Distinguishing Feature: Enormous size; Enormity of intoxication
Strengths: Has a hell of a liver
Weaknesses: Electroshock treatment

Profile by Jake Alley? | March 24, 2011

It’s very difficult to discern the motives of a lot of videogame villains. I mean, sure, we all know how Peach has a deal worked out with Bowser and Mario? where she bounces from castle to castle “making cakes” with whoever grabbed her last, and Dr. Wily clearly has severe ADD, but why does Dracula hide meat in his walls? What do birds harbor such an intense hatred for ninjas? Why did that big guy in the green robes turn two kids into bubble-spitting dragons and kidnap their girlfriends? Well, that last one at least has a very clear answer. He’s just super drunk.

No really. That’s his actual name, even. Super Drunk. He used to just be an average, ordinary Drunk, like so many others living it up in the Cave of Monsters, but while everyone else could generally keep their habit in check, once ol’ Supes got his hands on a bottle he was committed to polishing it off and grabbing another. It wasn’t always the sort of problem it is today of course. I mean, sure, after a hard day at the office, he’d head over to the nearest bar, and just start pounding down shots until the bartender cut him off, but hey, he always managed to get it together and show up on time the next morning.

Then came the accident. He’d had a few, as usual. One of the Coiley brothers was supposed to be the designated driver, but they’d been tossed out early after getting into a fight with one of those flies from Mario Bros. over whether Frogger or Q*Bert was going to take the state championship in the long jump. Long story short, he got slapped with a DUI, ended up getting his license revoked, shortly thereafter lost his job to a round of downsizing, and started hitting the bottle harder than ever. He started to really let himself go. Put on so much extra weight he couldn’t even leave the basement anymore without assistance. Baron von Blubba tried to organize an intervention, but so many of S.J.’s closest friends were either Drunks or Stoners they all felt it’d be a bit hypocritical.

The whole kidnapping thing started off as an attempt to get him out of the house and meet some new people really. Unfortunately, by that point Super Drunk had set up a still, and was constantly slamming back his own personal blend of moonshine he called “Bottled Lightning.” Now, turning the guys into dragons, that’s not something he would have done sober, not by any means. When he was really “riding the lightning,” though, and had his magic cane with him, that sort of thing would happen every other day.

So always remember, kids: just say no.

Previous: Slime | GameSpite Quarterly 7 | Next: Tatanga