M.O.: Alien warlord
Known crimes: Conquering Sarasaland; Abduction of royalty
First Appearance: Super Mario Land (Nintendo, GB, 1989)
Nature of demise: Shot down by Mario and his Sky Pop

Profile by Jeremy Signor? | March 20, 2011

“Alien Warlord’? That’s stretching it a bit, don’t you think? C’mon, man, I was only ever out for a good time and a few laughs.

“Okay, yeah, sure, I did technically conquer the kingdom of Sarasaland. But it’s not like it was exactly hard, ya know? Bunch of backwards savages and hippies if you ask me. Wave a little basic hypnosis at ‘em and they roll right over. Seemed like the bigger guys outright enjoyed workin’ for me. Honestly, I don’t think anyone ever would’ve noticed the difference if it hadn’t been for that busy-body Mario and his darned princess-rescuing fetish.

“Oh, right, so I guess I did sort of ‘kidnap’ Princess Daisy. What can I say? She was a cutie. And it’s not exactly like there were any other eligible bachelors beating down her door. Honestly I’m not sure there were any other humanoids in the whole kingdom aside from a few zombies before I showed up. Until Mario? crashed the party, that is. What’s his deal, anyway? He already has a princess. Guy was getting greedy, I tell ya. We’re just chillin’ over here and then he has to ride on over from the Mushroom Kingdom like he’s got something to prove. Where’d he get that plane, anyway?

“I do admit, I had a pretty nice ship of my own, maybe that’s where they get that ‘warlord’ nonsense from. Yeah, the ol’ Pagosy, it was a sweet ride. Omni-directional jets, two big cannons with fragmenting ordinance. Man, I miss that thing. Of course Mario just had to go and shoot it down with his sickeningly adorable little ‘Sky Pop.’

“Yeah, that was rough. Lost the princess, lost the kingdom, lost my ship. Gimme a break, man. And since then, nobody will even give me the time of day, like I’m some washed-up loser. What’s the big deal? That lunk Bowser gets beaten by Mario twice before breakfast and do people write him off? Nooooo, they love him. Make him a protagonist half the time, even though they know he’s gonna turn around and kidnap Peach again first chance he gets. I just don’t get it.

“I can’t even get good work anymore. Tried doing a stint as a sub-boss for that Wario character once, but it didn’t work out. Dude wouldn’t even shell out for decent equipment, and I ended up having to fight Mario in some dinky little ship that broke when it got jumped on. It was just sad, man.

“That was when I said ‘screw it’. I don’t need this kind of grief. I’m saving up to rebuild the Pagosy, gonna sail it a long way away from here. Find some nice kingdom, maybe a nice princess.

“But first, I’ll make sure there’s no neighboring kingdoms with any damn plumbers.”

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