Alias: Death Machine
M.O.: Appears rarely to annihilate the unprepared in three turns or less
First Appearance: Final Fantasy (Square, NES, 1990)
Distinguishing Feature: Anachronistic technological appearance; fondness for NUKE

Profile by Jake Alley? | March 7, 2011

“Oh, hello again, Mr. Garland -- no relation to Judy, right?”

“Yes, you made that joke already last time. Are those elemental bosses I ordered in yet?”

“Yes sir, we got them in just this morning! I think you’ll be delighted. I made sure to pull them from different cultural sources just like you said. For water we have the kraken! Big ol’ squiddy thing, everyone loves those, right? Tiamat, this right nasty dragon for wind. Then for fire, I called in a few favors and got you the hindu goddess Carrie!”

“I’m sorry, Carrie? Are you sure that isn’t supposed to be Kali?”

“No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s Carrie. Tell you what though, we’ll split the difference and spell it with a K, how’s that sound?”

“I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually have anything to do with fire either...”

“Well look, mate, it’s a bloody goddess from a foreign land! Take what you can get. We’ll do her up in red, nobody’s going to notice. Anyway, you’ll really love this next one. For void, we flew in an honest to goodness lich!”

“Sorry, did you just say void?”

“Yeah, you know. The five elements, fire, water, wind, earth, and void.”

“There seems to be some mistake. I wasn’t looking for the Japanese elements, this whole thing is about going for more of a Western approach.”

“Aha! Thought you might say that! Got you covered, got you covered! You want something imported right? Having a go at the ol’ Chinese system for a change of pace? I’ve got you covered there to. We have this evil elf sorta guy named Astros, perfect for your wood boss, and this really works out perfectly. We’ll keep the lich here, right? Use him for our earth boss, and the thing I found you before for earth, it’s really just the absolute most beautiful thing for metal. Really going to knock your socks off! Let me just have the boys bring it out from around back.”

“No no no, you still don’t understand me. I want the Western elements. From Europe? Just fire, earth, air and water, that’s it. I already have everything planned out around it, there’s this whole bit with a prophecy and these four crystals, I mean I suppose I can find a place for the elf somewhere as a side bit, but I really only need... what the hell is that?”

“Ain’t she a beaut! This here’s the War Mech! Got it on special order for you! Doesn’t get much more culturally varied than this bad boy here! We’ve got titanium shielding, dual cooling systems in the back, a real snazzy little laser eye out on front and two, count’em, belt fed machine guns, plus a mini-nuke! Just imagine the look of surprise on people’s faces when they see this bad guy guarding your elemental whatsits or whatever you needed these for eh?”

“Absolutely not! There is no way that thing would make any sort of sense as the fiend of earth! Where the hell did you even get it?”

“Like I said, special order! Custom job! Could have sworn you’d go for it... look, what if you go for a time travel thing, hmm? Find some way to place your ultimate stronghold in the distant future, then plop this bad boy on the front doorstep to keep watch?”

“No no no! I told you, I have this all planned out already! My ultimate stronghold will be in the distant past! It’s hard to explain but there’s this whole convoluted paradox bit, and I really just don’t have any place at all I can reasonably keep a giant robot.”

“Well, I can’t send it back! It was special ordered!”

“OK. OK. Tell you what. I’ll take it, but I’m going to have to hide it. Just... stash it off to the side of some random hallway, maybe make it look like a sculpture or something. You can set it up not to attack everyone it sees, right?”

“Oh, sure. It’ll sit right perfectly still and not bother anyone, unless they go poking around a bit right in front of it’s face. Nothing to worry about. Anyone who has a problem with how it looks it’ll kill straight away, and you’ll have your nice olden days aesthetic no problem. And tell you what, since you’re being such a good sport about all this, here’s an evil pirate on the house.”


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