As seen in: Chuckie Egg (Spectrum)
Also in: Chuckie Egg 2 (Spectrum)
Distinguishing feature: Wide-brimmed hat.
Strengths: Pretty nimble for a fat guy.
Weaknesses: Rock-hard arteries due to excessive cholesterol.
Profile by Jeremy Parish | March 14, 2010
The United Kingdom is known for many things: Great rock 'n roll, dull cuisine, grand traditions, royal guards in big fuzzy hats. But one thing that few foreigners realize is that chickens grow to absolutely brobdingnagian proportions in the UK. They're utterly monstrous, not to mention completely deadly. They guard their clutch with lethal ferocity, and their razor-sharp beaks are capable of severing a man's neck with lightning quickness.
It's for precisely this reason that Hen House Henry, hero of Chuckie Egg, is regarded as a national treasure -- though few outside the borders of England have ever even heard of him. Henry spent a decade as the nation's Royal Egg Gatherer, risking his life every day as he infiltrated one henhouse after another in order to abscond with sufficient quantities of fresh eggs to accompany the nation's rashers of breakfast bacon without relying on substandard imports. After all, foreign eggs came from foreign birds, and foreign birds lack spirit. And every good Briton knows that nothing's worse than an unspirited egg.
It wasn't an easy life for old Henry. By a longstanding decree -- established in the Manga Carta, in fact -- the Queen's hen house collector could only be paid in eggs. Sadly, the UK's economy in the 1980s was considerably less barter-based than it had been in the thirteenth century, so Henry was largely forced to live on his earnings. He lived in a house made of eggshells, slept on an omelette mattress, and ate eggs prepared every way imaginable. And this in turn gave his arteries the approximate consistency of stone, which considerably impeded his circulation, which undermined his agility. Henry found his daily tasks growing more and more difficult as he struggled to avoid the deadly fowl that protected the ovoids he had been charged with acquiring.
And then the fateful day came in which Henry's all-egg diet caught up with him -- and so did the head rooster. For the next week, the nation's flags flew at half-mast, and British rock stars gathered at Royal Albert Hall for a charity performance, Egg Aid, to ensure that Henry's successor would have a sufficient cash pension to allow him to have a more varied diet. And yet to this day, the UK's greatest national hero of the '80s remains all but unknown the world over. Savages, all of you.