As seen in: The Legend of Zelda (NES)
Also in: The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (Game Boy)
Distinguishing feature: Mute, green clothing, penchant for spelunking
Strengths: Being legendary
Weaknesses: Getting credit for being legendary.


Profile by Kat Bailey? | February 21, 2011


The following are excerpts from The Legend of Zelda: Tales Of Hyrule's Greatest Hero, an oral history of the legendary hero's adventures. Copies are currently available for 30 rupees at your local book shop, or in your local abandoned temple.

One

When I interviewed Mike Greybeard, he was the proprietor of Mike's Mystical Swords. He claimed to have encountered the Hero of Legend at the very beginning of his journey, and even given him his weapon. We met in his cave, where he had set up shop some twenty years ago.

I thought I was a genius for setting my shop up in a cave. Moblins never gave me any trouble, and I just told the assessor's office that I worked from home, so I didn't have to worry about property taxes. Some of the schmucks in the Hyrule Merchants Association have caught on and opened their own caves, but screw 'em. I got the cave without the bloodsucking bats.

Mike cackles briefly, then lights a pipe.

Right, you want to hear about the hero. Well, I met 'im, and I can proudly say that he was a customer at my shop, though he didn't buy anything exactly. He walked in right when I was getting ready to close up shop, this kid wearing green. Kinda quiet, you know, didn't say much. Looked like he had just had a fight.

Well, I'm a good guy, ya know? I've had a few kids of my own... uh... nine of them to be exact. And two of my wives won't let me see them anymore. But I was enough of a father that I didn't want this youngster wandering around out there when that bastard Ganon's minions were on the prowl So I thought I'd help him out.

Mike gestures to the wall, where there are several swords.

I had a mystical sword that I had picked from a guy out of East Hyrule. Didn't know where he got them, we don't ask questions in the weapons business. I think it was hot though, because the cops were around asking questions, ya know? So I thought I'd kill two Octorocks with one stone and give it to the kid.

"It's dangerous to go alone!" I said, real nice like. "Take this."

Well, Mr. Hero took it and held it over his head for a bit, seemed really happy with it. When he left, I was mostly hoping that he wouldn't cut his hands off with it by mistake and try and sue me. Instead, the kid goes out and become the legendary Hero, so how about that, huh? I did my good deed for a lifetime.

Two months after I finished my interview, Mike Greybeard was indicted on twelve counts of illegal weapons trafficking. He is residing in Hyrule Royal Prison pending the outcome of his case.

Two

Moblin Zeke was formally a member of Ganon's army. He survived both of the Hero's quests, and ultimately retired during the attempt to revive the ancient Princess Zelda. He currently resides in a neighboring kingdom, where he is working on his memoir, Moblin! Behind Ganon's Army.

I only encountered the Hero once, and that was when he was busy trying to recover the Triforce of Courage and awaken the ancient princess. I had signed up for Ganon's army pretty early on, so I had heard all the stories about how he had reunited the Triforce, beaten the King of Evil, all that. Nothing prepared me for actually fighting the guy though, you know?

Now let me tell you something first, Ganon wasn't a bad guy. Yeah, I know, he reduced the land of Hyrule and all that, but his army really offered great benefits. When he went down, I lost dental, health, my 401K, all of it. Some of the guys had spawnlings, and they wanted to revive Ganon so they could keep putting fresh babies on the table. I had a few dental problems of my own—hey, have you ever gotten a good look at a Moblin's teeth—so I went along with it.

The plan was to kill the Hero and sprinkle his blood on Ganon's ashes, or some damn thing. I don't really remember. I was stationed not too far from the Great Palace with my buddy Bernie. He was an Octorock, but we went way back. I even put up with that rock-spitting thing he liked to do because he was a good guy at parties. Man, we had so many good times.

Well, we were on mid-shift, just kind of chatting, and all of a sudden here comes the Hero, jumping around like he's got arthritis or something. I had heard that he had picked up a few injuries during his second quest -- you know, the one where he put Ganon down for good -- and he moved like it, but he still had that sword of his. Poor Bernie never even had a chance.

Zeke briefly removes his eyeglasses, wipes away a tear

He came at me with this downward stab attack, but he missed. I kinda stumbled out of the way, and it was a good thing too because all the sudden his sword was shooting fricking laser beams. What kind of sword can shoot laser beams, I mean geez, no wonder he's a hero. I could be a hero too if I had a fricking laser sword.

Anyway, I actually managed to get a good shot in. I know, I actually managed to get a hit in on the Hero, crazy huh? He didn't die, though. I had heard that he had this super stamina that he had gotten from stealing our middle management's essence after a battle, that the essence looked like a big old heart when he took it. Well, whatever, he wasn't even phased by my attack. So I did what any good Moblin would have done in my shoes -- I ran the hell away. And here I am now, in the Land of Neighboring Kingdom.

Well, I heard later that he had to fight his evil twin in the Great Palace, but of course he was victorious. The princess was revived, peace fell over the land, all of that. But what about me, huh? I lost everything because of that legendary jerk. The joke's on him though. I'll bet he's getting real sick of everyone referring to his adventures as The Legend of Zelda.

Zeke leans back, looks wistfully out the window.

Yeah, real sick of it.


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