Games | Nintendo Entertainment System: The NES is the old grey lady of video games. Still respected, even revered, but she mostly appeals to an older generation, who politely applaud at the release of every new Virtual Console download. Damn kids and their polygons these days.
Battletoads: The speed-bike levels are paeans to Buddhist scripture, requiring zen-like concentration, death, and rebirth. But after reincarnation you're still a humble, pathetic toad... Protip: Buddha used savestates.
Bionic Commando: Until someone else comes up with another game that lets you explode Hitler's skull into a messy shower of blood, Bionic Commando will remain my favorite.
Castlevania: How do you know the Belmonts are awesome? Because not only can they defeat an entire army of Hollywood movie monsters with a bullwhip, they do it while suffering from chronic back problems.
Castlevania II: Simon's Quest: Simon was something of a terrible action hero, which is probably why they branched him out for adventure. But, erm, maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
Code Name: Viper: You know how Antz was a pitiful attempt to cash in on the popularity of the infinitely more stylish A Bug's Life? This is like that, except with Rolling Thunder.
Déjà Vu: A salty, hard-boiled detective tale. Well, as salty and hard-boiled as you can get with fifty-two candy colors and strict censorship.
Donkey Kong Jr. Math: Guaranteed to be more entertaining than the actual game, not to mention 500 Wii Points cheaper.
Dragon Quest: After twenty years, I think we're finally allowed to go back to calling it "Dragon Quest" instead of "Dragon Warrior."
Final Fantasy: After twenty years...Final Fantasy plays like a twenty-year-old RPG. Scintillating, no?
Final Fantasy: Write up for the 20th Anniversary of Final Fantasy.
- Final Fantasy Portmania: And yet another example of why two decades weren't so kind to the original Final Fantasy.
Final Fantasy III: This is about the Japanese Final Fantasy III for Famicom, not the American one for Super NES. I can't wait until everyone who ever owned a Super NES dies so we can stop making this distinction.
The Goonies II: As a sequel, this was so much better than an actual movie would have been. Would Richard Donner have centered a movie's entire plot around saving an underage mermaid with romantic designs on the future Samwise Gamgee? I think not.
Ice Hockey: You're one Kurt Russell and a '70s wig away from a perfect recreation of the Miracle on Ice.
Kid Icarus: When escaping from Crete, do not fly close to sun or sea. Also: drink Red Bull and avoid eggplants.
The Legend of Kage: You probably pronounced this game's title wrong as a kid, so don't be tricked into thinking this game isn't the horrible running left simulator it was back then.
The Legend of Zelda: It's hard to believe the game advertised in that ridiculous TV commercial went on to become Nintendo's most important franchise.
Little Samson: "Why do you wear that stupid dragon suit?" To which the dragon responds: "Why do you wear that stupid little-anime-boy suit?"
Maniac Mansion: Adventure games may fall in and out of fashion, but multiple endings and rock star tentacles will always be hip.
Mario Bros.: Do you own a GBA game that features Mario in any capacity? Then you don't need this game.
Mega Man: Capcom has utterly and completely run this series into the ground. Mainly because idiots like me buy any stupid thing that comes along. I'm so sorry. Wumpwoast leads us on a magical, musical journey into Monsteropolis.
Mega Man 2: Dear everyone, this is possibly the best game ever made.
Mega Man 3: How do you follow up what might possibly be the best game ever made? With another fine game, of course.
Mega Man 4: Were MM4's ridiculous robot designs a scathing criticism of Soviet workmanship, a triumphant mockery of a fallen political paradigm? Or were they just bad game design? Wumpwoast sez: The latter.
Mega Man 5: Call this shovelware if you must, but you'll only be demeaning noble garden shovels everywhere.
Mega Man 6: Talk about late to the party...but there's still fun to be had. Strap on your jetpacks and get equipped with one of the Mega Man series' minor gems.
Mendel Palace: Man, I don't even know.
Metroid: Nintendo's last remaining franchise with any dignity. (What's that, you say? Metroid Prime Pinball? Well never mind.) As a reward for rocking this game's face, you get to wade through lava in a swimsuit.
Milon's Secret Castle: After all these years, I still haven't figured out the secret of not hating this game.
Ninja Gaiden: Maybe the birds in Ninja Gaiden are just mad at you for slaughtering all those endangered baby Bald Eagles that drop power-ups. Still, daddy needs his windmill shuriken.
Punch-Out!!: Let's hope they film the inevitable film adaptation before Mike Tyson dies. He's not doing anything else, right?
Shadowgate: Unfair, arbitrary death traps meets a hackneyed plot and illogical puzzles. No wonder it's such a fondly-remembered 8-bit classic!
The Tower of Druaga: Sometimes I look back at games like this. Then I look at the majority of crap being released these days. Then I realize that we really haven't come very far at all.
Uninvited: A hundred ways to be rude to your houseguests. Also: The ruby is a lie.
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link: Nintendo attempts to break out of the Zelda mold before it was even codified and reaps the consequences. Plus it makes the series harder to alphabetize.
20 Years of NES: The NES turned twenty a few years ago. I babbled about it.