As seen in: Q*Bert (Arcade)
Also in: Q*Bert's Qubes (Arcade)
Distinguishing feature: Serious schnozz.
Strengths: One-point perspective.
Weaknesses: Anything non-green; potty mouth.

Profile by David Goldberg? | January 23, 2011

Q*Bert was a character.

I don't mean merely that he was the central, er, anthropomorphized thing in a video game, but that he had personality. He was a round orange ball with inquisitive eyes and a long proboscis. He swore like a sailor. There was something all of us could relate to in Q*Bert.

Thus, it comes as something of a shock to learn that Q*Bert's life wasn't all happy-go-lucky bouncing on cubes that we think of it. No, Q*Bert was once a normal high school student, concerned with doing well in school, avoiding the local bullies, and taking his girlfriend Q*Tee to the malt shop or sock hop. Then one day, he decided to experiment with LSD and his life was never the same.

The M.C. Escher poster in his room became the inspiration for the nightmare world in which he was trapped. He now had to hop from cube to cube, changing their color as he went so that he could restore order to his mind. The bullies in Q*Bert's life, Coily, Ugg, and Wrong-way, became insidious, deadly enemies to be avoided, and even friends Slick and Sam proved unhelpful distractions. Eventually, Q*Bert's mind degraded such that his visions changed to something based on his Rubik's Cube. Now each of his jumps spun a cube as he tried to avoid authority figures in his life: Meltniks, Soobops, and Rat-A-Tat-Tat.

Q*Bert's mind never recovered. He never finished high school and has been institutionalized to this day. His story is another tragic case of drug abuse among youth. Be sure to think of Q*Bert and his plight next time you say, "@!#?@!"

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