Retronauts Blog 8.5: Alex Kidd, You Suck
Did you see our sexy awesome Master System retrospective today? Uh, well, maybe "completely recycled from EGM" would be a more accurate descriptor there. I tried coming up with something else to say, but aside from the world's worst SMS retrospective (ever) on my personal site, my mutant retro powers have failed me.
And here's why: Master System bombed everywhere in the world except Brazil. (Why Brazil? Man, who even knows.) Even its groundbreaking backwards compatibility couldn't save it -- sure, the SMS could run software from its predecessor, the SG-1000, but no one owned one of those. Even though there was a Golgo 13 game for it.
Chalk the system's failure up to whatever you like. Nintendo had third party support contractually locked up? Sure. Distributor Tonka had no clue when it came to selling videogames? Sounds reasonable. Too little, too late? A viable notion.
But my research indicates a much simpler reason for the Master System's death: Alex Kidd was stupid.
Of course, back then, every system had to have a mascot. Before Sonic, Sega pinned its hopes on a radically pathetic excuse for a hero: Alex Kidd. And it was Alex Kidd who killed the Master System.
For starters, this is how Sega designed Alex for his American appearances.
Granted, Master System packaging was terrible, and its box art was never good except in the most ironic sense of the word, but seriously -- this is not an endearing character. He's a horrible doughy boy wracked by physical deformities: that massive, distended fist is the sort of thing that would merit hospitalization if the poor child had loving parents. And his ghoulishly mismatched feet aren't much better -- one is massive and clown-like while the other is just a thin blue peg.
Let's be honest. "Alex Kidd" is not an inspiring name for a hero. If you're after a babysitter for the evening, sure, but to save the world? Nintendo takes so much crap for being "too kiddy," but here Sega built it right into their mascot's name.
Over in Japan, they let Alex fly his freak flag without trying to give him a tacky white-boy makeover.
And what a freak flag it was; Alex looks like a generic Jack Kirby henchman character had a child with a Monchichi. Definitely an improvement over the U.S. version -- but ugh, not by much. He was also apparently susceptible to piranha bites to the kneecap... something Mario would totally never put up with.
And what was Alex Kidd if not another of the dozens of Mario knockoffs that choked the 8-bit era like a foul breed of weeds? Nothing, that's what. Sega tried to hide his shame beneath neanderthal features, but it was all for naught.
As for what he looked like within the game? He's more monkey now than man: twisted and simian. Also, his Kirby duds were swapped out for a track suit. Very ahead of your time, Alex, but beating Juicy Couture to the punch is no substitute for an appealing design. Oh, or for starring in good videogames.
He also eats like a slob. Look at that rice flying everywhere. Even that dog is agape in horror at his atrocious table manners, and let's face it, when an encephalitic puppy thinks you're a freak you've really hit rock-bottom.
The Sonic series keeps introducing boring and unimaginative new characters, like Silver the Hedgehog (he's a hedgehog... and he's silver! DO YOU SEE). But the series will still have some integrity left until they make Alex Kidd a playable character.
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