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Rastan Developer: Taito? Based on: Conan in desperate need of some Ben-Gay, or possibly a serious massage. |
Rastan wants to be Rygar when he grows up.
He's a member of that strange sub-strait of barbarian heroes who appear to be afflicted with horrific back problems. Well, that's the best explanation I can come up with for why he swings his sword (axe, mace, whatever) using only his arms. Clearly he's not of Scottish descent -- aside from the lack of blue body paint, it's obvious the guy has no golf experience.
ProTip: pivot at the waist to put a little power behind your swing!
Poor driving posture aside, Rastan is clearly a mighty warrior. You can tell, because when he jumps he makes the same sound that Mario makes when he shoots a fireball. Mario has to power-up to be able to execute that sound, but it's built-in to Rastan's knees. Clearly, this is someone with whom, much like The Jesus, you <I>do not</I> [m]uck.
Unless you have some degree of flexibility or reach, or perhaps a brain that allows you to exist outside of a limited pattern of motion, that is. Because if you do, Rastan would be no match at all for you. He's your typical slow, clumsy idiot type whose only hope for success is that his enemies are even more pathetic than he is. Randomly finding life power-ups at opportune moments is helpful as well.
The SMS version of Rastan gives the impression that it's an arcade port of a game that probably shouldn't have come home to begin with, and certainly not to 8-bit hardware. Kinda like Trojan for the NES, except that the title is reminiscent of pot-smokin' reggae singers rather than prophylactics. There's tons of flicker and an overall lack of solidity to everything. Plus, the chimaera enemies look like big cats wearing "beer bong" helmets, which is just silly.
It probably doesn't need to be said, but the control is really, <I>really</I> bad. Sure, it goes without saying that a Master System game is awkward to control, but this is one of those games that would be awful with a Dual Shock 2. I think poor Rastan needs to start doing calisthenics, or maybe he should just buy himself a more comfortable bed to sleep on, because the boy is stiff.
I've played the game about a dozen times now and have finally made it to the boss at the end of Stage 3 (apparently the halfway point of the quest). I don't attribute this moderate success to any degree of skill on my part -- the control and glitchiness of the game make actual talent effectively immaterial. I just lucked into a couple of fortuitous victories and was given some very handily-placed life refresh items, that's all. But in the end, I finally reached that dreaded game over screen that sternly proclaims "YOU CAN'T CONTINUE!" It's a thrilling journey into frustration! Recommended for boys of all ages who are tired of their hair and long for an excuse to pull it out in gigantic clumps.
Of course, there are some people who swear by Rastan, because there are people who are willing to swear by pretty much any game you can name, regardless of its quality. And hey, I don't want to rain on your personal parades of nostalgia. But I do think it's remarkable how, with enough time and repetition, the human mind can be conditioned to accept even the most horrible experience as positive.
I've included a picture I found online of the ending, because no one should ever be forced to experience the frustration required to get through the SMS port of Rastan, despite its Engrishy awesomeness.
Score: One beer-bong-wearing cat out of five possible.
