Thumbnail Theatre: End of Evangelion Part 2

Bitterly Ironic Episode Subtitle No. 2: My Purest Heart For You

Rei: Hey, my arm. I might need that later.

Gendo: Rei, it's time to "lose your AT Field," if you know what I mean.

Rei: Are you sure that the next phase of human evolution begins with you fondling my breast?

Gendo: Why would I lie about this? Mmmm. Oh yeah.

Unit-01: RAGE!

Shinji: Die, evil Evas! Hey, what's the Lance of Longinus doing here?

SEELE: Well, that certainly is a convenient plot twist. Poorly explained to be sure, but why complain? Let the ridiculous chanting and pointless religious symbolism commence!

SEELE: First, we crucify Unit-01.

SEELE: Then, the pilot develops stigmata.

SEELE: Now, we use the Bat-signal to project the Tree of Life onto Unit-01.

SEELE: Finally, the Geofront reverts to its true form, the Egg of Lilith!

Shinji: You guys are just making this up as you go along, right?

SEELE: Curses, we've been found out.

Rei: You know, as much as I enjoy being molested by my father figure, I think I'd rather turn into a giant and freak out Shinji. Later!

Shinji: Normally, I don't have a problem at all with seeing Rei naked. But when she's five miles tall it's a different story. And it's even worse when mortally injured Evas become effigies of her.

Shinji: OK, you win, Rei. This would be a good time to freak the hell out.

Kaworu: Hi, Shinji. We never got around to acting out some of those ideas from the Shinji-x-Kaworu slash fics on before you squeezed my noggin off.

Shinji: Aw, Kaworu, you're such a sweetie. I'd give you a big kiss, except that I'm currently occupied with turning into God.

Yui: Hi, Shinji! It's time for an abstruse, deeply symbolic flashback.

Shinji: Wow, I was a spineless idiot even as a toddler. And is it my imagination or is the background here just a little disturbingly gynecological?

Shinji: Speaking of disturbingly gynecological, I could have gone my whole life without seeing Misato and Kaji doing that.

Asuka: Shinji, you suck.

Shinji: Yeah? Well, let's see how you feel after I strangle you. Cue the light, happy jazz-pop!

Maya: Oh no, the Evas have begun generating an anti-AT field.

Aoba: That could be meaningless techno-jargon, but I bet it means that spectres of Rei will appear to everyone on earth, flash into an image of their secret sexual fantasies and then make their heads pop into magic placenta goo, right?

Hyuga: *pop*

Aoba: Ooh, good guess! *pop*

Gendo: Oh no. It turns out that deep down in my heart, I'm a big emotional coward - a badass version of Shinji. I feel so hollow now.

Shinji: Third Impact destroys the barriers between all human minds. Now I can be rejected simultaneously by every woman in the world!

Rei: Shinji, being alone is just a fantasy. It's a substitute for reality. And at the end of reality is a dream. Which is a fantasy. Oh, look, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just going to spurt blood from my neck, like the Black Knight.

Shinji: So in the end, every geek drama reverts to a poor Monty Python rip-off. How sad.

Rei: Look, all I'm saying is that all people are now united as one, because that's what you wanted.

Shinji: So you straddling me, naked, pelvis-to-pelvis is symbolic, right? And not simply me getting it on with a clone of my mother?

Rei: Well, no one said it couldn't be both.

Shinji: Thanks, then. I'm going to initiate a nonsensical sequence of gruesome events now, but it was fun while it lasted.

Rei's Key Frame Animator: Hi, Mom. Today I had to draw a sequence in which a giant naked 14-year-old girl fell apart into bloody chunks. I guess what I'm saying is... is it too late to become a salaryman?

Gendo: So what was the point of all of this?

Yui: As long as one human is alive, Eva will live forever! Wait... wouldn't that mean that if no humans are alive, Eva won't live forever? So it's not really forever at all, is it?

Gendo: Oh, don't worry about it. You should know better than to expect logic from Evangelion at this point.

Depressing, Suicide-Inducing Episode Subtitle No. 3: I Need You

Shinji: Oooh, look at all the pretty crosses.

Shinji: Hi, Asuka. Welcome to the world I created. The bad news is that it's populated only by you and me. The good news is that we can live off those giant Rei chunks until the meat starts to spoil.

Shinji: I think I'll celebrate this amazing new existence by strangling you for no reason! No, wait. I think I'll just cry.

Asuka: God, Shinji. Even with the rest of our lives alone together, I still don't have enough time to describe how much you suck.

Shinji: I know, I know. Oh well... let's explore this brave new world. With any luck we can find some Zoloft for Mr. Anno and never have to experience anything this horrible ever again.

The end, I hope and pray. | Back to Thumbnail Theatre