Thumbnail Theatre: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Part 02

Amidala: Anakin, you were obviously having wild, restless dreams last night. I could hear you moaning and thrashing about all night.

Anakin: I was dreaming about my mother.

Amidala: Wow, you seem a little creepier every time you open your mouth.

Boba Fett: Yay dad! Kill that mean ol' Jedi!

Jango Fett: First Vader, now you. Man, nothing robs great villains of their dignity like seeing them as stupid, annoying children. Now shut up and let me win this space battle by dropping sound bombs at my enemy.

Obi-Wan: Wha-? Sound and shockwave bombs in the vacuum of space? Why must I suffer for Lucas' crummy education?

Watto: Anakin! Is that you? Yes, it must be. I'd recognize that awful acting no matter how tall you get.

Anakin: I want my mommy.

Watto: Tough nuts, chump. You and your Jedi pal bankrupted me, so I had to sell her off. Reap what you sow!

C-3PO: Why, it's Master Anakin, come to witness me in the Lar household. I'm so embarrassed to be caught in the most ludicrous continuity gap in the series. Oh my!

Cliegg Lar: Sorry, kid. The Tusken Raiders kidnapped your mom. I'd go save her, but I'm a crippled old geezer.

Anakin: Don't sweat it, gimpy. I'll go save mommy myself! And if I can cheapen the single worthwhile piece of music from Episode One by using it as an incidental theme in the process, all the better!

Shmi: Anakin... are you evil yet?

Anakin: Not yet, mom! But I'm working on it!

Shmi: I'm so proud. *gurgle*

Anakin: I killed every single Tusken Raider, Padme. Do you think I'd look good with a little bristle moustache?

Amidala: Mmm, genocide makes me HOT.

Jar-Jar: Meesa tinkin' Palpatine would be makin' bombad Emperor!

Entire Galaxy: Jar-Jar, you SUCK.

Amidala: These huge machines are terrifying! I'll never be able to get past them!

Anakin: No, wait, this should help. According to Prima's Official Episode II Strategy Guide, you need to time your jumps in this stage by running toward the pistons right as they strike the ground! And don't miss the hidden 1-UP on the ledge below!

C-3PO: Oh! How dreadful! I've become Jar-Jar!

Dooku: ...and that, Obi-Wan, is the sum total of our eeeeeevil plan.

Obi-Wan: Why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to be impressed?

Dooku: No, Mr. Kenobi, I expect you to die. Mmm, I love the taste of scenery. *chew chew*

Amidala: I suppose we're going to die in a few minutes, so, eh... what the heck. I guess I love you, Anakin.

Anakin: Wow, impending doom has more benefits than I expected! Yet nevertheless - I have a very bad feeling about this™.

Obi-Wan: We need a serious deus ex machina here. Only god could save us now.

Mace Windu: God... or Samuel L. Jackson, cracker!

Obi-Wan: That's close enough for me.

Dooku: Surrender or die!

Mace Windu: OK, so I spoke too soon.

Yoda: Fear you should not! In pairs do last-minute rescues come.

Boba Fett: Geez, dad, you totally just stood there like an idiot while he cut off your head. I certainly hope I die with a little more dignity than you.

Clonetrooper: Please instruct us. OK, we'll move. Area 4 is an arsenal. Maybe we can find good weapon there we can use. Padmé, beware of the elevator!

Anakin: SHOOT THE CORE!

Dooku: Ah, so you have arrived for the final battle. Since we've been ripping off video games for the past two hours, I believe this is where I give my Squaresoft-esque "I Luv Nihilism" speech.

Obi-Wan: Don't underestimate him, Anakin! At this rate he'll probably transform into an evil angel or something when you beat him.

Anakin: How about us two-handed heretics of the sword go at it like wild men! We'll make the sky rain blood, eh, you old geezer!

Dooku: Foolish boy, don't you see? Lucas is an old fart these days, which means that now his most powerful characters are the oldest ones! Which is why I rock even though I look like a spokesman for Depends.

Yoda: Ah, but ten times older than you am I.

Dooku: Rats, foiled by math again.

Sidious: Welcome back, Lord Tyranus. How went your mission of sowing confusion and fear?

Dooku: It probably would have been a lot more effective if my action figure packaging hadn't given away the fact that I'm your servant weeks before the movie opened.

Bail Organa: Would someone please introduce me to the audience? I want to do something besides standing around looking gloomy.

Palpatine: I don't care if you will eventually be Princess Leia's adopted father. I don't trust any man wearing that much lace.

Anakin: I'm glad you agreed to marry me, even though it will obviously destroy our lives.

Amidala: It wasn't my first choice, but plausibility often takes a back seat to the weight of an established storyline.

Anakin: Huh? Have you paid any attention at all to the past two movies? Neither logic nor story continuity have gotten much of a workout lately.

Amidala: Nuts, you're right. Well, don't I feel stupid. Look, all I know is that if you ever try to fondle me with that tacky metal hand, I'll cut off your other arm myself.


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