Thumbnail Theatre | Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith | Part One

Intro Crawl: Long ago! Far away! General Grievous led the droid army and kidnapped the Chancellor! Holy spit!

Anakin: Wait, what? Master, what is this? Who is this "Grievous" guy? Why do I not have the slightest clue as to what's happening?

Obi-Wan: Anakin, a Jedi must enter battle prepared. Didn't you watch the Clone Wars cartoons before we started? (On sale now at your local DVD retailer!)

Anakin: No... I'd just sort of assumed I'd be able to follow the plot based on, you know, having watched the last flick.

Obi-Wan: Oh, my young padawan, you have much to learn about franchising. The power to tell a coherent story is insignificant next to the power to sell millions of action figures.

Anakin: And here I thought we were supposed to be the good guys. Oh, wait, we must be. In Star Wars only the bad guys would be stupid enough to try to stop a pair of tele-kenetic superheroes by using a handful of ludicrously inefficient robot attackers.

Obi-wan: Right. Meanwhile, the good guys' robot constantly kicks ass despite its doing so being utterly stupid.

Anakin: Yes, and thank goodness for the sham that is Artoo. For a while there, I was afraid that I was the only character whose integrity would be decimated by this prequel trilogy.

Dooku: No need to worry about that! This whole franchise is tainted. See? Watch me toss around the series' last remaining dignified character like a meat puppet.

Obi-wan: What a revoltin' development.

Dooku: I should really bisect him with this massive slab of metal, but I suppose continuity dictates I merely stun him long enough for Anakin to become a savage executioner without his knowing it.

Dooku: You know, I just realized that with a good director and talented actors, this murder could have been a powerful parallel to the Emperor's eventual betrayal of Vader rather than just another excuse for Anakin to look slightly constipated again.

Anakin: Oh well! Fappo!

Palpatine: Anakin, you are quite the badass. If I were a Sith lord I would totally want you as my apprentice. Not that I am a Sith lord, ha ha! Just sayin', is all.

Palpatine: Uh, anyway, go ahead and leave your master for dead, alright?

Anakin: We all go home, or no one goes home!

Grievous: Hello, I am a robot that coughs! Please buy The Clone Wars Vols. 1 and 2 to see how such an improbable situation could ever come to be, because none of that is to be explained here.

Anakin: How come whenever a spaceship gets hit in one of these flicks, it goes plummeting immediately toward the nearest planet like the world's fastest sinking boat? Does inertia count for nothing? Does Lucas think planets are made of magnets or something?

Spock: His pattern indicates two-dimensional thinking.

Anakin: Ah well, looks like all we can do for this ship is to make its fiery crash as gentle as possible.

Obi-wan: Yeah, I sort of realized that after Episode II. Oh, wait... you were actually talking about the spaceship we're on. Sorry, I thought you were making a larger metaphor about the Star Wars series.

Mace: Nice work, Anakin. We're all proud of your angsty, wanksty ways.

Anakin: Yippie! Does this mean I get conjugal rights?

Padme: But I'm already pregnant! You know. Secretly. Hey, are you OK? Do you need some fiber?

Anakin: No, no, I'm just emoting my boundless joy at this delightful news. But won't somebody maybe notice that you've become enormously fat?

Padme: It's OK, I've begun leaving an empty box of donuts on my desk every day so people will just think I've let myself go.

Anakin: That's so stupid that it'll probably work, at least in these movies.

Padme: Hey, you're doing that thing again where you stare at me creepily.

Anakin: Dur, you purty.

Padme: Ew, now you're doing that thing again where you act horribly.

Anakin: My acting isn't the only nightmarish thing around here, though! I keep dreaming you're gonna die.

Yoda: The ball and chain you must cut. To the Dark Side snuggles lead.

Anakin: Grrr. Grunt.

Yoda: Alright are you, young Skywalker? A laxative do you need?

Anakin: No, I'm just angry, is all.

Obi-wan: I can't get over Palpatine. Anyone whose name is that similar to "Ovaltine" has got to be evil.

Anakin: But he made me his special friend! And he totally did an end-run maneuver around the Jedi Council for his own gain in the process. That's not evil, that's just politics.

Obi-wan: Oh, well in that case we can make use of the same tactics. Which means you'll spy on him for us from now on.

Padme: War -- what's it good for? Absolutely nothing!

Anakin: Good god, y'all.


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