Thumbnail Theatre | Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith | Part Two

Padme: Let's take a principled, allegorical stand against Bush's American imperialism!

Anakin: Look, we can barely speak our scripted dialogue without embarrassing ourselves. Maybe we should leave heavy-handed political subtext to the experts.

Padme: Fine, be that way. Maybe I should try the Wachowski brothers instead.

Palpatine: Anakin, I'm so glad to see you. Oh my, yes. Come closer, dear boy... yes, closer... here, just climb on my lap.

Anakin: I have a very bad feeling about this.

Palpatine: Oh nonsense, let's trade favor for favor, wink wink, nudge nudge. Now, I've called you to this blitzball match so I can share some valuable information about political absolutism, moral relativism, and the secrets of the Sith. Not that I know anything about the Sith, ha ha! Just sayin'.

Anakin: Gosh, maybe the Sith aren't so bad after all! And I don't really trust the Jedi anymore. They're all into death and stuff.

Palpatine: Not me! I'm totally into life. Even undead life! Except when I need to kill people to further my own ends.

Anakin: Jinkies, you're very wise, sir. Not to mention logically consistent.

Yoda: Grievous we must defeat. Then "Mission Accomplished" banner we may unfurl for press conference.

Anakin: Yippie! I get to be leader!

Mace: Aw, you're so cute when you overstep your bounds. Obi-wan, it's all you, baby. Whoa, hey -- do you need a bathroom break, Anakin?

Anakin: No, I'm just seething with jealousy, is all.

Wookiees: Gwaaarghlnrghugh! (Let's kick some robot ass!)

Yoda: Sigh. If 20 years ago this Wookiee battle on Endor had happened, down the toilet this franchise might not have gone.

Obi-wan: Let's share a tender last moment of friendship.

Anakin: Aw, how nice.

Anakin: Hey, wait, I had a daydream that you're sneaking around with my secret wife! Guess I'll become evil now.

Obi-wan: Tally-ho, lizard-thing! A fine action figure playset you'll make!

Grievous: Hello, General Kenobi. You know, in the Clone Wars mini-series (on sale today!) I completely wiped out a dozen of your Jedi friends. You realize you have no chance to defeat me solo, yes?

Obi-wan: Ah, but I have a secret weapon on my side: Lazy writing!

Grievous: Damn!

Obi-wan: And the necessity of plot!

Grievous: Curses!

Obi-wan: Also, convenient deus ex machina surprises!

Grievous: Nooooo!

Palpatine: Ah, Anakin, welcome to my private chambers. I have something to share with you. But remember, it's our little secret.

Anakin: Uhhh... even I have enough sense to know you're a bad, bad man. I'm gonna show Mace where on the doll you touched me.

Palpatine: Oh, yes. You're a real genius, bright boy. Snerk.

Anakin: Master Windu, let me help you take down Palpatine!

Mace: Uh, right. That would be pretty much the most boneheaded move ever. The fate of the galaxy rests in what happens over the next three minutes. Just stay here and try not to screw things up, OK?

Anakin: How rude! Now, what's the well-being of the galaxy when weighed against bad dreams about my wife? Hm... I'd better go betray everything I believe in, just to be safe.

Mace: Chancellor Palpatine! Surrender or die in obscurity!

Palpatine: Curses, now that you've uncovered my secret, it is time for me to reveal my true form: A cackling, preposterous self-caricature! Gwee hee hee!

Jar-Jar: Heya guys, come on in! De water great! Meesa doing muy muy bombad water-ski stunts wit' Fonzie here!

Fonzie: Eyyyy.

Anakin: I'll save you, Palpatine!

Mace: Anakin, you suck. You suck more than anything in the universe has ever sucked before. Waaaaagh!

Anakin: Oh my god, I really do suck. Man. Aw, geez. Wow. Yeah. Welp, guess there's nothing left for it but to kill the rest of the Jedi and enslave the galaxy.

Your Childhood: It's the damnedest thing, but I'd always imagined the advent of Darth Vader would be a lot more awesome and a lot less.... stupid.

Yoda: Something horribly wrong with the universe has gone. Suddenly constipated I feel.

Anakin: No, no, that's not constipation. It's just blind injustice in the name of patriotism, is all. Trust me on this one.

Back to Thumbnail Theatre | Next: Part the Third