Thumbnail Theatre: The Matrix: Reloaded

Neo: Whoa, what a horrible nightmare. I dreamed that Trinity was suddenly all old-looking and sallow. I guess it was kind of a bummer that she died, too.

Trinity: What's wrong, Neo?

Neo: YAHH! Your face! It wasn't a dream!

Trinity: I'm afraid that being cast as a romantic lead opposite you does terrible things to a girl. Seen Sandra Bullock lately?

Jones: Hello, secret meeting people. Did someone here order an ass-kicking? 'Cause we've got an extra-large serving here for you.

Neo: Does it come with free Crazy Bread? I love that stuff.

Jones: Crap, it's that Jesus guy. Let's split.

Smith: So if he's Jesus, what does that make me? Satan? Mohammed? John Lennon?

Smith: Say, Bane, mind if I defy all logic and common sense and hitch a ride in your brain?

Morpheus: Zion -- hear me! I know we're all about to die, and that most of you think I'm an obsessive loony! And you're right on both counts! So let's all get naked and thump some tubs!

Neo: UNF UNF UNF

Trinity: I'm glad you still love me, Neo, even though I'm more masculine-looking than you these days.

Neo: You still look great in leather, Trinity. And that's all the millions of nerds vicariously having sex with you through me really care about.

Lock: Morpheus, you suck. And keep your hands off my girl.

Kid: Neo! I love you! Maybe even more than Trinity does!

Neo: Go away, dude. You're nothing but an annoying tie-in to sell more copies of The Animatrix. And you're even more boring than that stupid old guy who wouldn't shut up about machines last night.

Seraph: Hello, Neo. You wish to speak to the Oracle, but before you can, you must first...

Neo: I hope you're gonna say I must first challenge your rap, because this movie is already on tenuous footing without gratuitous fight scenes which serve no real purpose in the story.

Seraph: Don't think of this so much as a fight scene as an unconvincingly choreographed aerobics routine.

Neo: Oh, well that's OK then.

Oracle: Hello, Neo. Sorry I've been lying to you and jerking you around, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

Neo: Buh?

Oracle: And I apologize for being unable to speak to you in anything but trite, cryptic aphorisms, but that would require the writers to sit down and actually flesh out the plot rather than make things up as they go along. Candy?

Neo: No thanks, old lady dude. I need some time to think, and maybe a protracted sequence laden with cartoonish violence to help clear my head.

Smith: Hello, Mr. Anderson. Here's the violence you requested.

Neo: No way, dude. I totally killed you in the last movie.

Smith: Why, yes, you did. But the guiding philosophy behind this sequel is that anything which was cool in the first movie should be rehashed to the point of tedium, even if it's never properly explained.

Neo: That would explain why there are now a hundred of you, I guess.

Smith: Taste my real ultimate power! HYAH! (x100)

Neo: Man, this is getting too stupid, even for me. I'm out of here.

Neo: OK, I spoke with the Oracle right before that last boss battle, and she told me to find the Keymaker, who is prisoner of some French guy. He'll give us special item The Key which we can then use to reach The Source.

Morpheus: You know, it's annoying when film critics denigrate movies by calling them "video game-like." But I don't think we're helping matters by embarking on GameArts-calibre fetch quests every 20 minutes.

Neo: What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy taking this Elixir from behind that clock over here.

Merovingian: Ze world exeests vith cause und effect, oui? For eenstance, I give ze girl ze orgasm cake, she has ze orgasm. C'est simple, n'est-ce pas?

Morpheus: Oh, stuff it. You're exactly like all the annoying Internet Matrix fanboys, spouting florid pseudo-philisophical jargon to bolster your sense of self-importance. It's like the Wachowskis are validating their obnoxiousness.

Merovingian: Did I mention? I eenjoy frrrequent sex vith beeuteeful women.

Morpheus: Alright, fine. So you're not exactly like the fanboys. They must be attracted to your outrrrageous French accent.

Merovingian: You cannot have ze Keymaker, but now I must be going to, er, pick someone's lock.

Persephone: I'll give you information, Neo, but you have to kiss me. And I'm talking serious butt-grabbing, tongue-twisting liplock, or the deal's off.

Neo: Whoa. Yes, I think I'm prepared to make this noble sacrifice.

Trinity: DIE DIE DIE DIE

Neo: Chill, Trinity! You know you're the only wiry, leather-faced man-creature for me.

Persephone: *grope* *slurp* *slobber* There, that should give fanfiction.net something to write amateurish porn about for a few years.

Merovingian: Ah do not appreziate being cockolded in my own houze! Get zem, evil Milli Vanilli ghosts!

Twins: RARR

Neo: I'll stay here and confront this French dude. You guys go have a dull, protracted chase sequence on the freeway.

Morpheus: VROOM

Twins: POW POW POW

Keymaker: Eep!

Jones: SMASH GRAR

Trinity: ZOOOOM

Neo: Hmm, half an hour ago I held my own against a hundred Smiths. I wonder what the outcome of this battle against five normal schmoes could possibly be!?

Morpheus: VROOM

Twins: POW POW POW

Keymaker: Eep!

Jones: SMASH GRAR

Trinity: ZOOOOM

Merovingian: Urk. I must leeve to fight anozer day!

Neo: No fair! The French are supposed to surrender, not run away.

Morpheus: VROOM

Twins: POW POW POW

Keymaker: Eep!

Jones: SMASH GRAR

Trinity: ZOOOOM

Twins: EXPLODE

Morpheus: Amazing -- not only are the movie's chatty, pretentious, philisophical bits interminable and dull, so are the action sequences.

Jones: Yes. We have achieved torpor. Now let us end this battle before we both fall asleep.

Neo: OK, Trinity, you have to promise me that you'll stay home in the kitchen where you belong while I go off on an adventure.

Trinity: Oh, come on. You know we didn't include that prologue sequence for nothing.

Jones: You know, Trinity, if Neo had actually given you the details of his dream rather than just making you promise to be meek and useless, you probably could have avoided dying like this.

Smith: Mr. Anderson! It's me again! Well, us, I mean. Have some high-velocity lead slugs, with my compliments.

Keymaker: Wow, that's handy -- they wrote me out of the script immediately upon completing my task.

Architect: Hello, Neo, I've been waiting for you. Here's where we put the age-old storytelling adage "It's better to show than to tell" to its final, irrefutable proof.

Neo: Wait, you've saying that I was supposed to come here? That if I hadn't come here the worlds of both machines and humans would have crumbled? Gee, maybe you should have made the task a little easier for me, maybe by not hiding the Keymaker behind a persnickety Frenchman, or by not rigging your building to destroy the entire city if I didn't have some pals blow the power grid for me. You know, little things like that.

Architect: You're expecting common sense, rather than logic. Fool!

Neo: Screw this crap; I'm gonna go save my girlfriend.

Architect: Wait, I haven't finished inflicting my convoluted, ambiguous, overwritten, pseudo-intellectual technopomp upon the audience yet. Come back! It's the closest thing this movie has to a plot! Don't go! Halfwit.

Neo: Whoa, I have super powers in the real world, too! I wonder what this means.

Morpheus: I bet it's something cool, like... the real world is actually a second layer of the Matrix, or maybe you've become one with the machines or something.

Trinity: Yeah, something that makes sense within the context of the story. Because how lame would it be if you had magical abilities in the real world for no good reason whatsoever? That would seriously bite.

Neo: Actually, I think it means I'm gonna faint.

Trinity: Man, he gets to sleep through this grating credit sequence. Lucky bastard.


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