Thumbnail Theatre: The Matrix: Revolutions

Neo: Ugh, where am I? A sparkling clean subway station? And here I thought the Matrix was supposed to be a realistic simulation.

Sati: Hello, I'm Sati. I have an important role in this film, but it's only clear if you've played the ancillary video game. So... have you played Enter the Matrix?

Neo: Do I look like a masochist to you?

Sati: Aw, come on, it's not all bad. What other video game lets you see Jada Pinkett-Smith and Monica Belucci sucking face?

Neo: Nice try.

Morpheus: Say, Oracle, you look different today. New hairstyle?

Oracle: Look, the Merovingian was ticked off at me and left me with nothin' but a flimsy, insulting rationalization for a change of actresses. OK? Now go save your little bonehead.

Train Man: You are powerless before my putrid hygiene!

Neo: OK, so they've taken away my ability to destroy Agents, and now I'm completely helpless in this little chunk of the Matrix. Man, if someone else figures out how to fly, I'll be out of a job.

Trinity: Look out! Those bad guys are, uh...

Seraph: ...running upside down. Um, yeah. Wow.

Morpheus: I think we have officially punched through the bottom of the barrel.

Persephone: Oh! Trinity will kill us all to get what she wants. My bosom is heaving with excitement just thinking about it!

Merovingian: Well, eet looks like zis movie peaked early. I guess I'll have to make do without ze Oracle's eyes. Go on, take your silly leettle savior. Eet's all downhill from here anyway.

Neo: Alright, Oracle, give me some straight answers.

Oracle: Oh, you know I can't do that. You'll just have to settle for some trite clichés which vaguely rationalize the inconsistent and incomplete plotting. Like, "I didn't tell you everything earlier because I judged you weren't ready for the whole truth."

Neo: So Darth Vader really is my father. Damn.

Smith: Hello, Oracle. Lend me the gift of sight?

Oracle: Man, what is it with you crackers and your weird fixation on my eyeballs? Sheesh. Go on, get it over with.

Kid: I'm hapless and pathetic!

Mifune: Hell. I just know that means you're going to do something predictably heroic and I'm going to bite the dust before it can happen. I hate amateur scripting.

Doctor: I'm dead? Well, great. I guess that's what I get for trusting a guy named "Bane" in a series rife with insultingly obvious symbolism.

Zee: Time to try and save Zion through some more protracted, fake-looking CG sequences. Yaaaaaaaawn.

Neo: I know what I need to do now. I need to take the One Ring into the Cracks of Doom, beyond the Black Gate. It's the only answer... If only I had the wisdom of Gandalf to guide me. Or maybe Elrond.

Bane: You called, Mr. Anderson?

Neo: Say, gee, you called me Mr. Anderson, who does that remind me of? My college professor? No.... The mailman? Telemarketers? Nope, that's not it, either. Oh well, I'm totally at a loss.

Bane: Geez, you're figuratively blind... might as well make it literal, too.

Neo: Nice try, but you weren't counting on the creators to completely violate the ground rules of this fictional world they've created and inexplicably extend my powers over a computer simulation into the real world!

Bane: No fair! I have no natural defense against bad writing! *explode*

Trinity: How you doing this, Neo? How can you see the secrets of the machines despite being blinded?

Neo: Behold, the power of symbolism.

Trinity: What does this symbolize, exactly? The Wachowskis finally giving up and just pulling everything from their asses?

Neo: I think they prefer to call it "improvising with a hundred million dollar budget." But yeah.

Trinity: Wow, the sky is so beautiful. I can die happy now.

Trinity: Blurch! I wasn't thinking it would be quite so soon, though.

Neo: Remind me, Trinity: why did I bother busting my hump to save your mannish ass in the last movie?

Trinity: I follow you on many adventures, Neo, but for the great adventure, I go first!

Neo: Please don't die... I might be forced to emote, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Trinity: Believe in yourself, Neo. This blindness thing works in your favor. You're actually a fairly convincing actor when no one can see the vapid, expressionless pools that are your eyes.

Neo: You seem pretty composed for someone with thirty seconds to live after being triple-skewered through the guts.

Trinity: Says the guy who barely flinched when his eyes were welded shut. *wheeeeze*

Neo: Wah, Trinity. Noooo. Sob, sob.

Neo: OK, time to go.

Zee: Saaaay... isn't the movie called "The Matrix"? Shouldn't some of this movie take place, maybe, say... inside the Matrix?

Kid: Bah, you're just bitter because I've had greatness thrust upon me and you're stuck scurrying helplessly through the ventilation system.

Neo: Hi, machine dude. Let's call a truce, because... well, just because.

Deus Ex Machina: Hmmm... sure, why not. So far we've been falling back on logic when common sense fails. Let's see what happens when we toss 'em both out the window.

Smith: Mr. Anderson! Welcome back. I hope you don't mind going one-on-one -- we've completely blown our effects budget, so the rest of me will have to stand motionlessly on the sidelines.

Smith: And now, it ends.

Neo: Whoosh!

Smith: Zoom!

Raindrop: Oh, the humanity!

Neo: Swoop!

Smith: KAME-HAME-HA!

Neo: Did this just turn into DragonBall? I quit. We're way beyond the threshold of tolerable stupidity. Just put me out of my misery.

Smith: Well... if you insist.

Neo: I look like Jesus, so they say.

Smith: But Mr. Jesus is very far away, Mr. Anderson.

Deus Ex Machina: Ah, at last, I can live up to my name. Not that the Wachowskis cheekily admitting I'm a deus ex machina redeems my role as such, or anything.

Smith: You think you've won, but unlike you I've built up a reputation as a talented actor thanks to my roles in worthwhile films like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Lord of the Rings. Enjoy the infomercial circuit,loser!

Morpheus: See, the machines are all friendly now. War's over! I told you I was right. Oh! In your face, everyone who doubted my fanatical devotion to divination!

Niobe: Sweet! Now we can adulterate, you big bald slab of monomaniac.

Architect: Do you really think this peace will last, seeing as nothing was really resolved and there's basically no sense of closure to this story?

Oracle: Certainly, I think this peace will last a long time. At least until they greenlight a sequel, anyway.

Sati: Will we see Neo again?

Oracle: Depends on whether or not Keanu and the Wachowskis can find other work after this... what am I saying? Count on it, sweetie.


The End... if there's any justice in the world. | Back to Thumbnail Theatre