Thumbnail Theatre: Metal Gear Solid: Part 5

Snake: Whoops, I dropped my PAL card like some sort of moron.

Miller: Snake, did you find my bomb? Er, I mean, PAL card?

Snake: Yes, thanks to wanton cruelty to animals! Now it's time for a meaningless, time-consuming fetch quest.

Naomi: Snake! I hate you! But maybe I love you too.

Hideo Kojima: Nukes are evil and bad!

Miller: Snake, you're a gullible, manipulable ninny.

Liquid: And I love you for it.

Snake: Gosh. I totally confused my mortal enemy for the man who trained me to be a soldier and talked me through Zanzibar. Color me embarrassed!

Liquid: Yadda yadda Sons of Big Boss blah blah stole my birthright yammer yammer Super Babies etc. etc. Les Enfants Terrible. Eat metal death!

Ninja: Snake, I'm sick to death of listening to this guy's prattle. Please blow him up before we're forced to suffer through another half hour of exposition.

Snake: I can't! I want to hear more about how I'm a Super Baby!

Liquid: Well, now you've done it. I'll never shut up.

Houseman: Maybe this ground-piercing nuke will quiet your yap.

Campbell:Sorry, Snake, we're all just horrible inhuman monsters with no spines.

Liquid: Since we're going to die anyway, let's have a slap fight to the finish.

Snake: Don't you know that main characters fueled by righteous anger over the death of a loved one always prevail?

Liquid: SNAAAAAAAKE!

Otacon:Don't feel bad that Meryl's dead, Snake. Wolf is dead, too, but our love will last forever!

Snake: "Your love"? You ninny, she was a suicidal psychotic junkie who lived to kill. She saw you as something slightly beneath dirt. Please don't compare my grief to your delusional fantasies.

Otacon:OK, how about this: you only met Meryl a few hours ago and barely knew one another at all.

Snake: Hmm, OK, good point. Let's jet.

Liquid: SNAAAAAAAAKE!

Snake: Liquid's back from the dead again? He's worse than the big blond guy from "Die Hard"! Do you have a meathook, Otacon?

Otacon:Sorry, I'm fresh out.

Snake: I guess we'll have to do this the hard way, then...

Liquid: You mean with a cheap, practically deus ex machina surprise?

Snake: Yup.

Liquid: Oh. FOX...

Snake: ...DIE.

Campbell:Snake, I have a confession. Meryl was really my daughter, not my niece.

Snake: Oh good grief. This means the only person without a melodramatic personal revelation is... Mei Ling! So what's your dark, ugly secret?

Mei Ling: OK, I admit it. I've just been reading from "Bartlett's Book of Familiar Quotations" all this time. *sob*

Otacon:Good thing that virus didn't kill you, Snake, even though it was specially tailored to your DNA.

Naomi:Although by the time I'm done with this corny speech, you'll probably wish it had.

Otacon:OK, Dave! Let's ride away into the sunset together, and see if love can bloom even off of the battlefield.

Snake: Dear god. Now I really regret letting Meryl die.

Epilogue

Hideo Kojima: Remember, kids! Nukes are evil! Tell your parents!

Ocelot: Buy the sequel! Coming soon!


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