Thumbnail Theatre: Metal Gear Solid 2: Part 2

Colonel: Snake, remember that big tanker accident two years ago? How they hastily erected a blockade around the spill to prevent the pure crude oil from being tainted by that filthy water from the Jersey shoreline? Well, you're going there to see if you're a bad enough dude to rescue the president. And I'm changing your codename to Raiden, so you can stop pretending to talk like Solid Snake now.

Raiden: Thank god. That was murder on my throat.

Colonel: Remember, your mission here is a secret - make contact with no one! The fate of the world hinges on your successs, so we've sent you into a highly volatile crisis zone armed with nothing. And be sure to watch out for the sea lice.

Raiden: Bugs? But there was nothing about bugs in the VR sim!

Colonel: Calm down, Raiden, you'll be fine. Just take a deep breath by pressing the Circle button until your lungs are full. Then, when your blood is saturated with oxygen, press the Square button to exhale.

Raiden: Er, I mastered breathing a while back.

Colonel: Now to begin your mission. Walk forward by tilting the Control Stick in the direction you wish to move.

Raiden: Look, you don't have to explain every single--

Colonel: To cause your heart to pump blood to your body, tap the R3 Button in a steady rhythm.

Raiden: Okay! I think I can manage-- huh?

Raiden: Hey, Colonel, someone has already beaten up the guards in this area. I can't really see who it is from here, but he has a great butt!

Rose: Hi Jack! It's me! Your nattering nuisance of a girlfriend! I'm going to pester and nag you for the duration of this mission!

Colonel: We figured giving Rose free access to the communication system integrated into your very body would be the easiest way to help keep you fightin' mad for extra ruthlessness in dispatching enemies.

Raiden: Ah, now I see why you sent me without any weapons. You must have realized that this would make any sane man want to kill himself.

Rose: Jack! Do you remember what tomorrow is?

Raiden: Um... Wednesday?

Rose: Oh, Jack, you break my heart.

Raiden: Colonel, someone has been decorating the walls here with SEAL blood.

Vamp: HISSSSSS.

Raiden: Yikes, let's see if I remember how to do this from VR training... OK, jump and hit Dracula's head, simultaneously leaping over the fireballs. When he transforms into his demon form, use a firebomb--

Plisken: Wrong game, idiot. Duck!

Vamp: Eat knife, weakling. Hum... the scent of your blood is causing me to let my sentences trail off aimlessly... and provide ominous foreshadowing....

Fortune: OK, Vamp, you can stop being a dope now.

Raiden: Wow, you're cut pretty badly. Here, have a ration.

Plisken: No, no, those only work for wounds inflicted during gameplay. This is a story-based injury, like Aeris' death. Anyway, I'm Lieutenant J.G. Plisken.

Raiden: Hey, I love "Escape from New York." Did you know the hero of that movie is named Snake Plisken?

Plisken: Huh. How about that.

Raiden: I'm Raiden! I'm the best killer of electronically-generated polygons Foxhound has ever seen! Like the legend, Solid Snake! Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you all that.

Plisken: Calling someone a "legend" is for idiots, kid. But good luck. Just watch out for Dead Cells.

Raiden: Oh, they're nothing to worry about. The human body completely replenishes its skin every seven years, so all the dead cells eventually slough off.

Fortune: Such a pulchritudinous pain is mine. How deliciously deep my sorrow. I wish to die, yet I cannot. A candle weeps as it flickers in the wind. The candle is my soul.

Raiden: Colonel, have made contact with heavily armed goth poetess. Please advise.

Colonel: I don't think you're ready for an actual gameplay situation such as a boss battle, Raiden, so proceed to Peter Stillman for a tedious fetch quest as planned.

Plisken: Peter Stillman? Wow, it's an honor to meet a real legend!

Raiden: Legend? I thought you said--

Stillman: Yes, I've been working with bombs all my life. When I was eight, I discovered transistor radios and thought to myself, "This is fun, but it would be even better if the radios exploded!" At age 11, I built my first pipe bomb...

Raiden: This is all very interesting, but am I going to have to learn everyone's life story when I meet them?

Plisken: Well, sometimes it's when you kill them, but otherwise... yes. Semper Fi!

Stillman: He glibly quoted the Marine motto! And the SAS motto! He's obviously no SEAL!

Raiden: That's probably the most ludicrous reasoning I've ever seen. There's no place for spurious logic in this game.

Stillman: I taught Fatman everything I know about explosives, so I'll be able to predict everything he does. I'm sure he's learned nothing new in the years since he was my pupil, which means this will be a piece of cake.

Raiden: OK, I found a bomb tucked out of the way where it could do no real harm.

Stillman: Weird, I never would have predicted he'd do that.

Mysterious Voice: Hey, girly man. You don't know me, but I just thought I'd let you know that you're about to walk over a bunch of claymores.

Raiden: Let me guess... you're "one of my fans." And I should call you "Deepthroat."

Mysterious Voice: Wow, how did you know?

Raiden: Just a hunch. Well, plus, this is the third Metal Gear game to feature this exact exchange of dialogue.

Rose: Hey Jack, do you remember the first time we met? How we argued endlessly about King Kong before having hot monkey sex all night long? I still can't get over the irony!

Raiden: Uh, yeah, that sure was great, but would it be OK if I defused these bombs before we start getting all starry-eyed? It's not that I don't like rehashing our romantic history for the sake of everyone listening to these transmissions, but "not exploding" takes higher priority for me right now than "gooey reminiscence."

Olga: Boss, I just "saw" a ninja. I am "puzzled" by its presence and its thick Russian accent. Whatever could it be?

Raiden: Freeze! I don't like shooting women, but my girlfriend has been hounding me nonstop for the past hour and frankly I'm not feeling kindly disposed toward any of your kind at the moment. So don't push me!

Olga: Sorry, I've already had my turn as a boss encounter. Later.

Plisken: Sounds like you just met Olga Gurlukovich.

Raiden: Wow, Olga Gurlukovich? And a ninja? And an anonymous informant? In the midst of my incredibly uncovert unarmed infiltration mission to stop a terrorist deadline? Wow! I'm really starting to feel like the legendary Solid Snake!

Plisken: You just keep telling yourself that, chump.


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