Thumbnail Theatre: Metal Gear Solid 2: Part 4

Raiden: Colonel, why didn't you warn me there's a new Metal Gear here, the President is a terrorist, and this whole situation is screwy?

Colonel: Get a grip, Raiden. What makes you think I know this stuff? Just because I'm a highly-ranking officer intimately familiar with this sort of mission, and I withheld all sorts of vital information from Solid Snake at Shadow Moses. Sheesh.

Rose: Raiden, did you remember what tomorrow is yet? Also, I'd appreciate if you'd share with me your complete autobiography. And remember: I'm not just your girlfriend - I'm an adventure!

Snake: I found a helicopter, kid. And a pilot. Oops, and another brother.

Solidus: Hello, intruder boy! Let's go mano-a-mano - just you versus me! And a Harrier.

Snake: I see you've been dragging my name through the mud. I hope you don't mind missiles for Christmas instead of a baked ham.

Solidus: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, you jerks.

Otacon: Hi, I'm Otacon. My sister is serving as this game's obligatory chick-in-distress - keeping it in the family, really - so I hope you'll help her out.

Raiden: Check it out, Colonel! It turns out this guy was Solid Snake after all. Let's team up with him and kick evil's ass!

Colonel: You're out of line, bucko. As punishment, I'm going to force you to participate in a badly-designed platform jumping section to proceed.

Solidus: Olga, I sense that you're a very unhappy person.

Olga: Sorry, anger management wasn't included in my VR training. Anyway, let's invoke another obstacle that was clever, back when it first appeared in the first game.

Johnson: No! A missile! Must... jump... into it!

Missile: EXPLODE!

Colonel: Raiden? What happened? Raiden? RAAAIDEEEEN!

Raiden: Damn. Let's try this again... this time avoiding the suicidal president more carefully.

Johnson: Hello, sailor - I appreciate your not blowing me up. Please allow me to grab your crotch by way of thanks.

Raiden: You had me at hello!

Johnson: I'm glad you came to help me, pretty boy, but the fact is I'm just a figurehead. The country is actually controlled by a shadow committee, and has been ever since the second Bush administration. We're all dancing on their strings.

Raiden: Are you sure about that? I think the creators are superimposing Japanese reality over this fictional America again.

Johnson: It's the truth! All of that's happening here is just a crazy plot to disguise the latest Metal Gear, called Arsenal Gear. Which, incidentally, violates the most basic design principles of the original Metal Gear concept. Now please do me a favor and stick a bullet between my eyes.

Raiden: Forget it. I've been carefully using the M-9 all this time, and I don't need a kill on my record this late in the game.

Ocelot: Amateur. I'll handle this.

Raiden: Colonel, I'm confused about all of this stuff the president told me. And also that Ocelot has gone and sabotaged the plans of the terrorists he's been helping.

Colonel: I don't have sufficient security clearance to get the full story, but I think the writers are just pulling the plot twists out of their arses at this point.

Snake: Or maybe the problem is that everyone knows the whole scoop except you, Raiden. You prancing sissy.

Otacon: Sounds right to me. Now go save my sister, nancy boy.

Rose: Jack, your bedroom is as empty as your soul! I ill need a boyfriend such as you. Also, you punch me and stuff. So can we pillow talk now?

Vamp: Hello, my delicious little morsel. Did you know that we of Dead Cell have been manipulating Solidus from the start?

Raiden: Huh, and here I thought he was manipulaing you.

Emma: Eek! It's a big scary man!

Raiden: Do you Emmeriches have a defective gene that causes you to lack bladder control or something? Seriously, you're like a couple of cocker spaniels.

Emma: I only wish that were the extent of how screwed up this family really is.

Otacon:Emma, you've been abetting a globe-spanning scheme to control and inveigle the human race for the benefit of a dozen old white guys. I'm very disappointed in you, young lady.

Emma: Yeah!? Well, I was only trying to snuff out the the basic liberties of mankind to make you feel bad, so nyah.

Snake: Maybe there was something to Naomi's idea about the importance of genes after all, because you're both a pair of lunatics.

Rose: Jack, you're going to cheat on me with Emma, aren't you?

Raiden: For pity's sake, she's only 16 years old. Granted, she is the smartest programmer on earth... and she's cute. On the other hand, she's also incontinent and has some serious personal issues... but then again, it's nice to meet a woman who isn't a co-dependent control freak. Hmm. I'm torn.

Snake: OK, I'll cover you while you cover Emma as she crosses this narrow fence. Be sure to protect her carefully... despite her weird personality flaws, she's the first genuinely sympathetic character in the game.

Vamp: Hi! I'm a horrible deus ex machina gimmick!

Snake: No! Vamp, please come back for the sequel so I can murder you slowly and in a sickeningly vengeful manner.

Emma: I'm glad I could see you before I died, Hal....

Otacon:Gosh. Now I feel really bad about sleeping with your mom and destroying our family.

Raiden: OH MY GOD I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT

Snake: Yeah, you'll find that Otacon specializes in making embarrassing personal revelations at awkward moments.

Mr. Olga X: Surprise! Snake and I are in cahoots! And you're being manipulated by the Patriots... but so am I! However, I'm manipulating Solidus and Ocelot in turn, so it sort of balances out.

Solidus: Hello, junior. Nice to see you again.

Raiden: No... no! It's all coming back to me now... my dad is actually Dr. Octopus.


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