Thumbnail Theatre: Metal Gear Solid 2: Part 5

Colonel: Raiden, it's time to go home now. Mission's over. Pack it in and call it a night. And don't bother getting your gear from that man.

Raiden: Sorry, but I could really use my clothes, at the very least. This place is a serious weenie-shrinker.

Colonel: I need scissors! Sexxxy ladies waiting to take your call! You are the King of No Paaaants! Sorry about lunch. Blipverts!

Rose: Jack, you suck. On toast. It's over between us. And I'm pregnant. And also a liar. Looook into my eeeeeeyes.

Raiden: Guh? What's happening? I don't get it.

Snake: Put on some pants and stop whimpering, you wuss bucket. We need to go kill my brother, so let's head to the Rectum.

Raiden: Something tells me we'll meet the plot of this game on the way there.

Otacon: Nothing is real. Everything you've known is a lie!

Raiden: That really stinks. But it is comforting to think Tom Green is just a mass hallucination.

Fortune: Ah, Solid Snake - the root of my misery. The progenitor of my suffering. The antecedent of my despair. The bellweather of angst. The vanguard of woe. The--

Snake: Lady, I know your life is rough, but nothing justifies that sort of pretentiousness. DIE!

Solidus: Hello, Jack. I'm going to kill you, but first allow me to make some plot revelations. You see, I've been manipulating everyone - the Patriots included!

Raiden: Wait... but the Patriots said they were manipulating you. I'm lost.

Solidus: Feh. Sorry that the quality of boss encounters in this game is a bit lacking, but I'd be happy to make up for it with sheer quantity!

MG-R01E: GWAAAARRR!

MG-R02E: GWAAAARRR!

MG-R03E: GWAAAARRR!

MG-R04E: GWAAAARRR!

MG-R05E: GWAAAARRR!

Olga: Enough already. Glurk!

Solidus: I'll leave you alive, Jack, because you're still manipulable!

Fortune: Speaking of manipulation, it's time for me to steal Arsenal since I've been manipulating you from the start!

Solidus: Actually, I tricked Ocelot into manipulating you into manipulating me!

Ocelot: Fools! I've been manipulating everything from behind the scenes!

Magic Hand: But actually, I've been manipulating you!

Raiden: Alright, this has officially become a load of crap.

Colonel: But none of that matters now.

Raiden: It doesn't?

Rose: No, it doesn't. Because, Jack, you have always been...

K-O-J-I-M-A: ...a puppet.

Raiden: How insidious! Hideo Kojima is using the Codec as a mouthpiece for his inane, pulp sci-fi philisophy!

K-O-J-I-M-A: I have not only fused gaming with cinema, I have also merged fiction with reality!

Raiden: Never, Hideo Kojima!

K-O-J-I-M-A: Ah, but your protests are meaningless. Digital media is a malleable thing, yet people believe whatever they're told if it's said with sufficient authority.

K-O-J-I-M-A:Thus they can easily be manipulated by careful information management!

Raiden: I'm not listening! Tra la la!

K-O-J-I-M-A:Deny it all you want, but you're living proof! This entire time you thought you were receiving instructions from a real man, but he was a carefully programmed construct.

K-O-J-I-M-A: And you bought it! Everyone bought all the twists and double-crosses!

Raiden: Are you sure? Most people said the plot was so complex and overwrought that they gave up trying to puzzle them out back around the time I lost my pants.

K-O-J-I-M-A:Even so, this game itself serves as living confirmation of the concepts the "Colonel" has been droning on for god knows how long now.

K-O-J-I-M-A: The hype surrounding this game versus its actual content proves that the media exists to be manipulated... and that people are gullible fools.

Raiden: Arrogant fiend! I'll never join you!

K-O-J-I-M-A:Don't you see? All advance footage for this game painted a picture of a vastly different experience from the end result. By planting countless red herrings and making only selective information available to the public until the game's release, I not only misled the media but used that very media to amplify my deceit!

K-O-J-I-M-A: I once expressed a desire to create a game which could hurt gamers, and now I've done so - by fooling them into playing something completely different from what they had been primed to experience! It is a philisophical triumph!

Raiden: Maybe, but you've also violated the trust of the gamer. By building false expectations and deceiving your customers, you've betrayed the implicit faith a gamer places in a developer. Unlike the creators of, say, Daikatana, you've simply been more circumspect and pretentious about it.

Raiden: However, in the end, you lose, because your credibility has been damaged.

K-O-J-I-M-A: No! How is it... that I have been so... defeated?

Raiden: You have been doomed since you lost the ability to edit your own work.

K-O-J-I-M-A:Ah... sarcasm. I'm afraid I don't have a nifty scriptural reference for you, so you'll have to settle for this unnecessary final battle instead.

Solidus: Face it straight! Fight... or... die!

Raiden: Why must we fight? I think we both can agree the Patriots are way uncool. Raiden would rather not fight, but would instead be your tiny friend.

Solidus: You fool, don't you see? You're a whiny, self-absorbed puppet of an evil government. I'm a bold, confident, natural leader who seeks to destroy your masters. Justice is on my side! And when I win, not only will I save America from its evil rulers, but I will be a hero to all the gamers who resent having been forced to play as you as well. I can't lose, boy.

Raiden: Well, yeah, except that I'm still the playable character here.

Solidus: Aw, damn.

Rose: The president's dead, there's a massive oil spill loose a few miles from Manhattan, and NYC's entire financial district has been smashed into oblivion by the ultimate weapon. You'd think there'd be more than three vaguely puzzled cops in action, here.

Raiden: Hi, Rose. You know, any other couple would be torn asunder by what we've just experienced. You've lied to me about your very being since the moment we first met, worked in collusion to suppress the essential freedoms of society, and passive-aggressively nagged me like a mother hen.

Rose: And you've hidden your bloody, horrible past from me, abused me physically and emotionally, and given me no reason to have faith in your basic decency as a human being.

Raiden: Good thing that we're such empty, pathetic excuses for human beings.

Rose: Yes, we have nothing worthwhile in our lives but our painful, mutually demeaning relationship.

Raiden: I love you, Rose. Well, OK... I feel vague stirrings of a sensation which mingles sexual desire and my need to fill the gaping void that is my soul for you.

Rose: I feel vague stirrings of a sensation which mingles sexual desire and my need to fill the gaping void that is my soul for you, too, Jack.

Snake: You know, it's a good thing that life isn't just about passing on your DNA. Because if it were, and yet losers like them were allowed to propagate while saints and geniuses like Mother Theresa and Stephen Hawking go childless, the whole system would need to be scrubbed.

EPILOGUE

Otacon: Well, Snake, I tracked down the Patriots' Wisemen Committee, but all I found was a note.

Snake: What does it say?

Otacon: "Buy the sequel! Coming soon!"

Snake: Damn you, Kojima!


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