Thumbnail Theatre: The Matrix

Cipher: Peeping on Neo again? I never knew you liked to watch, you saucy perv.

Trinity: I can't help it. He's so beautiful, yet so stupid. Like a hopelessly inbred champion showdog.

Trinity: Aw, crap, it's the fuzz.

Smith: She escaped via phone? Curses. Our endeavor to reach out and crush someone has failed.

Neo: Whoa. My screensaver's talking to me. This is even cooler than those flying toasters.

Trinity: Hello, Neo, remember me? I'm the crazy voice in your computer.

Neo: Dude, you're pretty hot for a screensaver. A little on the cryptic side, though. Think we can bump this conversation down about three notches on the obtuse-o-meter?

Trinity: Oh, poor Neo. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Morpheus: Hello, Neo. Follow my directions and you won't spend the next week learning that two and two equals five.

Neo: Whoa, you can make FedEx deliver on time? I must be talking to God.

Morpheus: No, but God wishes he had my voice. Now, I know I'm a complete stranger, but I want you to have faith in me and climb 30 storeys down the side of the building you're in.

Neo: No way, dude. I'll try my luck with the goons.

Smith: Am I buggin' ya? Sorry, didn't mean to bug ya.

Neo: Wow, that dream sucked.

Morpheus: Only in the sense that your entire life is a dream, but I'll leave that for the idiots on the Internet to debate. The important thing is that I'm about to reveal the surprise twist of the movie.

Neo: Oh my god. Tyler Durden is me, right?

Morpheus: No, no, nothing that psychologically taut. It's just that humanity has been turned into veal by angry robots, and our brains are permanently trapped in a computer simulation of 20th century Australia which is completely convincing, except that it's vaguely greenish.

Neo: Wait, dude. Do I have this right? A planetwide race of machines is being powered solely by human bodies, which are in turn sustained by puréed old people?

Morpheus: Yes, that's right. Once the machines decided to ignore the laws of thermodynamics, we were screwed.

Morpheus: The good news is that I know acupuncture! So your completely atrophied veal muscles will soon be just as strong as they were in the Matrix.

Neo: But I was a weak, pasty computer geek in the Matrix.

Trinity: That's OK, I don't mind being on top.

Cipher: Grrr. Neo, you suck.

Cipher: Did I say suck? Ah ha ha, I meant "You're super-dee-duper!" (Bastard.)

Tank: Sorry, Neo, all we have to eat here is a thin, mucous-like corn mush that tastes like gym socks.

Neo: Didn't you hear me? I was a nerdy shut-in bachelor back in the Matrix. I lived on Dinty Moore and Kraft singles. This is gourmet.

Morpheus: But now you're so much more than a pale, weak dork! You're "The One" -- a pale, weak dork who has had messianic duties thrust upon him by circumstances he's entirely too dense to fully comprehend.

Neo: Uh, sure. But I comprehend kung-fu! Check it out, dude.

Morpheus: It's heartening to see that your Bruce Lee impersonation is just as flimsy as all your other acting. I admire your consistency.

Spoon Boy: There is no spoon.

Neo: Congratulations on spouting the most gratingly overquoted sci-fi aphorism since "The Force is with you," you little turd.

Oracle: Well, Neo, I can't give you the answers you need, but I can condense the upcoming 45 minutes of the movie into a handy summary for you.

Neo: Oh, that's OK, it's not like the ending is a surprise. I mean, my name is an anagram for "One," so I think the outcome is a fairly safe bet.

Oracle: Yeah, it's a pretty easy living, pretending to be clairvoyant in a series laden with such earnestly blatant symbolism. Enjoy your cookie, dear.

Mouse: It's a trap! ARRRRG---!

Neo: Must we fight the Agents, Morpheus? I mean, they killed Mouse. Maybe they're not all bad.

Morpheus: That's your common sense talking, Neo. There's no room for common sense in this movie! It's us or them!

Smith: If you're talking about dying, then it's going to be you.

Cipher: Except me, mind you. I get the pleasure of killing off my former comrades... minor characters first, of course.

Switch: Dammit, I knew I should have pushed for a sequel option ---ugh.

Cipher: You're next, Neo! It would take a total deus ex machina to save your ass now! And The Wachowski brothers have way too much integrity for something that cheap.

Tank: Holy contrivance! You're toast.

Neo: Thanks, dude. Let's kick some Agent butt and save Morpheus' butt in the process.

Trinity: Remember, kids, this wanton violent gunplay is all virtual reality! Don't attempt this at home! Or, more likely, at school.

Smith: I'm a very special computer program, Morpheus, and do you know why? Because I'm completely freaking nuts.

Trinity: Wow, Neo, you fight like the Agents! I've never seen anyone else move in "bullet time"!

Neo: Don't worry, you'll be sick of seeing it in TV shows, commercials and movies less than half a year from now.

Smith: Mr. Anderson. Let's rumble.

Neo: Right on, dude. I learned kung-fu the other day. I can so take you down.

Smith: RARRR!

Neo: Ouch! On the other hand, discretion is an important part of this nutritionally-balanced valor.

Smith: You can run, but you can't hide. Well, you can hide, just not for more than a few seconds at a time.

Smith: Bang, you're dead.

Trinity: Neo, don't die! We still haven't bumped uglies. I don't want to die a virgin, Neo, and you're the first man I've met who considers bathing a worthwhile activity. You should see some of the rank freaks in Zion. Actually, you'll probably smell them first. Look, just don't die yet.

Neo: Wait a minute... I wasn't really shot and killed. It was just a simulation. Man, ever since Everquest, everyone's been taking their online gaming way too seriously.

Neo: OK, I'm fine. Check it out, I'm Bruce Lee!

Smith: Worst. Impersonation. Ev--- hrrrk!

Neo: I win. Oh yeah! In your face, Agents! I rule, you drool!

Trinity: Now log off, you moron, before we all die.

Neo: Oh, right. Hey, look, I really am The One!

Trinity: I know. Kiss me, son of god.

Neo: Hello, this is Neo. I know you think this is the end, but in fact, we still have two really lousy sequels to go. I apologize in advance.


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