Today is Hardcore Abuse Day

26 May 06 | 10:54

I would like to declare today HARDCORE ABUSE DAY in honor of the fact that my copies of Oretachi Game Center versions of Contra and Haunted Castle have arrived. Haunted Castle is a pretty big deal as it's the only Castlevania game that I've never actually played, besides the obvious (specifically Castlevania Resurrection or the Game.com port of Symphony of the Night... since they don't exist). I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate Haunted Castle, because it has a reputation for being cheaply designed and generally unenjoyable. But hey, it's Castlevania.

Contra will probably turn out to be the better experience, since it's the arcade game. Also, it's Contra. I'd be happier if it were the second arcade Contra, which I played the crap out of back in the day, but any excuse to command color-coordinated warriors in their battle against deadly alien joggers is fine by me.

Apparently each chapter of the Oretachi series comes with a mini-DVD of superplays, so maybe I can watch some insane Japanese robo-gamer blaze his way through Haunted Castle rather than suffering through it myself. I hear the game was packed with unavoidable hits, so the superplay demos should prove conclusively whether that was really the case.

Edit: "Superplay" my butt. Apparently Hamster (the charmingly-named publisher of the Oretachi titles) is a little fuzzy on this whole "awesome gameplay video" thing. Neither Haunted Castle nor Contra feature full-game superplays, and despite being billed as "no miss" playthroughs -- which, to my knowledge, normally means "flawless" -- they're pretty crappy performances. The Haunted Castle guy takes tons of damage, barely squeaking past the third boss, and the Contra guy is out of lives by the time the video ends (halfway through the game). I know it's ridiculous, but I feel sort of cheated -- I could see better performances for free, online. Help me, archive.org, you're my only hope.

Edit 2: Well, now that I've played Haunted Castle I can definitively say that I really, really hate it. On the other hand, the music's really good -- apparently this was the original source of some of the series' best themes, including Hearts of Fire and (I think) Iron Blue Intention. Handily, this version comes with its own little mini-CD of music so I don't have to suffer through the game to enjoy the tunes. They thought of everything! (Except a way to make the game fun.)

posted by: | category: games | forums | 41 comments | §

The coming robot apocalypse

25 May 06 | 13:12

Oh crap guys, Steambots are real and they're a lot scarier than in the videogame.

I was disappointed that the "exclusive" LocoRoco preview Sony sent us yesterday was actually just the GDC/E3 demo that everyone has already played to death. Everyone except me, that is. I hadn't realized how fluidly the game moves. I also didn't realize that the LocoRoco sings in time to the background music, and when you break the big blob apart the little blobs chant "Hey! Hey!" as a sort of background chorus. Genius.

Also: confidential to John Allison: When you finally get around to making the Scary-Go-Round videogame the world has been clamoring for, be sure to hire the LocoRoco team to create it for you. Seriously, you won't regret it.

And now, back to watching the mail eagerly for Scott Pilgrim 3.

POST SCRIPT: I've started reposting those 1UP blog entries on the Mario series here on the site as the Mariothon, because, well, that's pretty much what it is. And this way you don't have to dig through the inscrutible mess that is a 1UP blog archive to find them.

posted by: | category: media | forums | nine comments | §

The return

24 May 06 | 14:31

So, I'm back home in San Francisco, staring blankly at my screen at work. I guess this means life is back to normal, more or less -- and to welcome me back, a copy of Beggar Prince was sitting on my desk when I arrived this morning. I'm trying to decide how we should cover it, and I think I'm going to go with a standard 1UP review... mainly for the novelty of having a Genesis review on the front page of the site. Limber up your screencap muscles in preparation for that glorious day, folks. It's going to be awesome. (In that sad little sense of the word "awesome" that means "Strictly of interest to a few lifeless geeks.")

I'm really surprised by how much of a response there was to my off-handed dismissal of Circle of the Moon and Metroid Fusion yesterday. Mainly because it was so unnervingly civil. This is the Internet, folks. Where's the flaming and hatred?

Oh, and I'm back to updating my 1UP Blog again after something of a hiatus. I think they're gonna fire me if I don't. Should I resume posting about why Mario games that aren't New Super Mario Bros. were inventive and inspired, or have I worn that groove a little too deep at this point?

Edit: Now a full-length LocoRoco preview disc has landed on my desk as well. (Er, nope, just the E3 demo burned onto a UMD. Lame, Sony, really lame.) Man, I've been playing the Lite so much lately that the PSP screen seems unbearably dim. I'll manage, though, this once; LocoRoco is totally worth it. What other game stars a planet as its protagonist?

No, SimEarth doesn't count.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 50 comments | §

Revisionism revisited

23 May 06 | 12:14

Man, doing my little Metroidvania blitz thingee has been a depressingly eye-opening experience. OK, so Circle of the Moon falls apart in the second half thanks to some seriously terrible balancing and design issues. Fine. But Metroid Fusion? I liked Metroid Fusion, but now that I'm playing it again I'm horrified by its deep, grievous flaws. So I decided to play through my own copy of New Super Mario Bros. as a break from the free-form exploration (such as it is -- in the case of Fusion, not much)... and it seems more like a chore than a relief.

Maybe, I started to think, maybe I don't like videogames anymore.

But, nah, turns out Wario Land 4 is still good clean fun, and Cave Story is making my shrivelled little heart sing. So I guess I just don't like sloppily-designed GBA games. As for NSMB, I think maybe I've played Super Mario 3 a little too much over the past 15 years -- polygons and crappy power-ups don't make it any fresher. Still! Close call there.

Also, while clearing out some personal effects at my parents' house, I stumbled across some CD-Rs of files I had thought long lost, including a cheerfully sarcastic guide to Evangelion which I think I never posted because I was afraid of oversaturation (given the Thumbnail Theatres and all). But now I'm older and lazier wiser and realize there's no such thing as oversaturation. So hopefully I can post that stuff soon, and maybe start beating some other dead horses. Hey guys I hear that Xenogears game sure is bad!

posted by: | category: games | forums | 47 comments | §

Romantic scrap-iron adventures

22 May 06 | 13:10

Guys, this is important so you need to listen up. Something huge is happening this week. Something that affects us all. So pay attention.

Steambot Chronicles is shipping.

You might know it better as Ponkotsu Roman Daikatsugeki BUMPY TROT, of course, but the meaning is the same regardless of the language. I've been looking forward to this one for ages, and I'm happy to say the entirety of the game more or less lives up to the promise of what I played of the import. It's pretty much the closest thing we'll ever see to a Mega Man Legends 3, as it features just about everything that was good about MML3 (except Servbots, but you can win them all) while adding major mech customization, a huge world and frequently open-ended gameplay to the mix. If you're reading this page and own a PS2 and don't buy a copy of Steambot Chronicles, I'm going to have to take that as a sign that you've launched some sort of vendetta against fun.

Really, it's good. (My 1UP review will be up later this week if you're the sort of person who prefers arbitrary numbers to heartfelt endorsements.)

Edit: A review approaches! Command?
[ Read | Magic | Defend | Run ]

posted by: | category: blog | forums | 28 comments | §

Command & critique

21 May 06 | 12:02

Between spells of funeral-related matters this weekend (and lots of time spent with the extended family) I've had a fair amount of downtime. This is not the same thing as "sleep time," unfortunately, and my internal clock is now officially out of sync with every time zone. Like, on the planet. I'd need to reach orbit to feel like I was on proper time; I woke up at 4 a.m. San Francisco time Friday and Saturday, and 4 a.m. Michigan time this morning. I think if I can arrange things right I can actually travel backward in time tomorrow morning and wake up sometime yesterday.

Anyway, I've put the downtime to some use; I read through JPod as I traveled Friday and finished up Castlevania Circle of the Moon, finally, more than five years after first buying it. I'm glad I'm done with them both, because now I never ever have to think about them again. I had never gotten past the Zombie Dragons in CotM, and now that I have I think I was better off not knowing the unrelenting crapfest of a game that lurked on the other side. If you like leveling up, CotM is the game for you! Otherwise, uh, stay home.

JPod was even more disappointing, since it had been marketed as a sort of sequel to Microserfs, aka the most important book of the 20th century (outside of The Official Nintendo Player's Guide, I mean). JPod seems more of a bad imitation than a follow-up, though, since it features the same basic characters under new names (sexually confused coder Bug Barbecue is now sexually overactive coder Cancer Cowboy, the soulless marketing dude who makes a curious connection with the main character is now named Steve instead of Ethan, the aloof she-geek who falls for the main character is named Kaitlin rather than Karla -- and so on). Unfortunately, the book has the general setup and breezy style of Microserfs but none of its underlying substance; the characters are wrapped up in ever-more-improbable scenarios and don't actually change or evolve over the course of the story. I mean, it's great that it has a chapter that begins with the main character mentioning how a phone call has interrupted his Super Metroid speedrun (1:10, less than 50% items), but the best part of Microserfs was the sense that the writer and his friends were growing up. The JPodders just kind of drift, Seinfeld-style, across a sea of geeky pop culture references, responding to events outside their control instead of taking the initative and making something of themselves. And I can't decide if I admire or detest the author's Vonnegut-esque self-insertion/deus ex machina.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that it's a light brain snack when it could have been a full meal and the main thing I'm taking away from it is that reprinting pi to the 10,000th digit is a good way to pad your page count. Also, I highly endorse Igarashi's decision to expunge Circle of the Moon from the Castlevania canon, because it is a truckload of poop.

posted by: | category: media | forums | 34 comments | §

Terminal irritation

19 May 06 | 14:45

The joys of traveling at the last minute for less than the sum total of my bi-weekly paycheck are few and far between, but I'm making the most of things. My 6 a.m. flight will ultimately run about 11 hours thanks to a two-hour layover in Salt Lake City and a three-hour stop in Detroit. Which is particularly galling since my final destination is about 40 miles away. If my luggage weren't stowed away somewhere in DTW's foul innards I could probably walk to Flint faster.

But, on the plus side, it does give me the opportunity to travel through DTW's baffling Hallway of Majesty -- the underground tunnel that connects the separate concourses and surrounds passengers with swirling multicolored lights and grand swells of synthesized ambient music as they plod along the moving sidewalks. Guys, I, uh... I'm just going to Terminal A, not making first landfall on an uncharted world or something. It's maybe not as heroic as you're making it out to be.

My Salt Lake City stop also marks the first time I've ever been in Utah. I was actually a little surprised that it really exists -- I'd always halfway suspected Salt Lake City was a myth that Christian parents used to scare their children away from dabbling in Mormonism. I was even more surprised by the filthy brown haze surrounding the city, which I assume is dust. It looks a lot like L.A., except I imagine the net result is simply mud-coated lungs rather than deadly toxic build-up.

Anyway, two more creature things to make up for yesterday.


This will definitely be in the game. I've played too much Ninja Gaiden for it not to make the cut.


This one, probably not. Maybe as an item or power-up or something.

posted by: | category: super toasty bros. | forums | fourteen comments | §

Super Toasty Bros.: Terror-yaki

17 May 06 | 15:44

My goal with the game is to create 120 enemies then trim it down to 45-50, plus a dozen bosses. This guy probably won't make the cut.

posted by: | category: super toasty bros. | forums | 39 comments | §

Interruption

16 May 06 | 11:49

I just received the phone call I've been dreading for the past few days, and it looks like I'll be heading up to Michigan Thursday or Friday for a funeral. Needless to say, where E3 was all I could think about a few days ago it's pretty much the last thing on my mind now, so I guess my musings will be cut short. Not that I was adding anything to the collective discussion, really.

Anyway, I hate to leave the site inactive since momentum and inertia are a good part of what keeps it going at all these days, so while I'm off dealing with real life I'll be posting some preliminary monster/enemy designs for my nascent Metroidvania game.


Obviously, this is the winged form of the Telebunny. The red green ones hop and fly forward oblivious to all hazards, while the green red ones patrol a specific patch of air. But you probably knew that already.


(Man, I always get those colors mixed up.)

posted by: | category: super toasty bros. | forums | 33 comments | §

More E3 crap, because you absolutely didn't ask for it

15 May 06 | 22:36

I guess that next on the E3 recap agenda is... Microsoft. So. Good work, guys, polite golf claps all around. Unlike Sony, you managed to go all week without shooting your own foot; Gears of War and Mass Effect are generally considered amazing; and that tiny dollop of Halo 3 was enough to ease the sting of that Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer for your loyal fans. Next on your agenda: may I recommend some games that don't involve armored Marines blowing up things in The Future?

I would like to declare today Totally Sweet Book Day. My copy of JPod -- Douglas Coupland's spiritual follow-up to Microserfs, aka the most important novel of our time -- arrived a day early. My copy of Achewood Vol. 6 also arrived, featuring a hand-drawn Roast Beef inside the back cover extolling the virtues of won ton soup. (Apparently it is "hell of grelicious and contains all the food groups.") And most importantly, I managed to place a pre-order for Scott Pilgrim 3 direct from O'Malley's website... even though I completely botched the ordering process. He was very nice about it, but talk about embarrassing. Maybe I can follow-up by travelling back in time a few days and wet myself in front of Koji Igarashi or something. ("So you say you're definitely hoping to incorporate WFC-based co-op play in your new Castlevania?" SPLASH)


Oh well. Anyway, I highly encourage everyone to pick up the new issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly (the white-and-gold Zelda/Revolution cover) -- not only does it have some HOTT information on Revolution Wii, I also contributed a few articles which came out looking excellent. The art team rocked the Sega Master System retrospective with a completely bitchin' grid-style background, and the FFXII preview is pretty much gorgeous. I'm especially happy with the serendipity of the little Gambit System explanation I worked up; I created a diagram using sprites of Locke and Celes from FFVI hacked to resemble Vaan and Fran fighting a Bomb, simply because Vaan was a quick edit from Locke and Fran's bunny ears and dusky complexion make her look incredibly distinctive, and Bombs are sort of the series' iconic minor enemy. What I didn't know is that the exclusive screenshot Square Enix provided also featured Vaan and Fran... fighting a Bomb. This is known as "dumb luck," and the result is that a great-looking layout is also a tiny masterpiece of visual communication.

If only things worked out that well when I actually plan them.

posted by: | category: games | forums | six comments | §

Unwinding down

13 May 06 | 09:27

Hooray for me, E3 is over. Alas for you, because that's all I'm going to write about for the next few days. I've been immersed in the stupid event up to my eyeballs for the past five days -- actually much longer when you count all the prep crap we did -- and I can't really think of anything at the moment that doesn't involve oversized booths, overloud music and overodiferous fanboys. My brain is currently locked onto a single, painful track.

I guess I could write about everything in one gigantic chunk, but that sounds too much like work. And by work I mean "integrity." So we'll start with Sony.

Sony kinda lucked out this year -- I was going to say their showing was the most pathetic thing about E3, but then I flew home on United via LAX where we got to sit in the terminal for an extra three hours because they misplaced the plane or something. ("Oh, sorry, I think we left it in our other pants.") And to make matters worse, most of the restaurants in our terminal were closed because "they weren't busy enough." I guess since we only had to stand in line for 15 minutes to get through security, the airport was deemed too empty to turn a profit on $4 cups of coffee and $9 hamburgers.

Sony certainly tried, though. I didn't have the poor fortune to attend the company's pre-E3 press conference, but I'm told that the silence following the announcement of PS3's split SKU and $599/$499 prices was legendary, interrupted only by the furious clacking of several thousand journalists textually crowing in triumph/amazement/schadenfreude.

Still, in case you ever forget the impact of that moment, you can easily remind yourself by telling someone who hasn't yet heard the news. I was chatting with a Namco rep at the airport who was at the convention but had been too busy coordinating events to pay attention to all the E3 scuttlebutt. She mentioned that she didn't know what PS3 was costing to cost, but she "was sure it would be a lot more than the Wii." Surprised, I asked her if she hadn't heard and told her the price. Her first response was that same legendary silence as at the press conference: her jaw moved wordlessly up and down in bewilderment. It's pretty fun to watch and I recommend you try it on everyone you know.

In any case, it was a sad contrast to E3 2005 when the Sony keynote consisted entirely of the "$299" announcement (delivered to triumphant cheers); this year, Hirai and Kutaragi and friends spent the next three days trying desperately to justify the price, using tactics ranging from the bizarre (cafeteria lunch analogies) to the blatantly nonsensical ("Peter Moore says people are going to buy a Wii and a 360 for the cost of a PS3! But I say they're going to buy a Wii and a PS3! For the cost of, uh... two 360s."). They're making Nintendo's fumbling efforts to explain "Wii" a few weeks ago look downright genius.

Currently, videogaming's most popular SAT question is, "PS3:Sony::___:Nintendo." The answer, of course, is "N64," a comparison which might sound familiar to the tiny handful of humans who actually pay attention to my rambling speculation disguised as editorial. It's a hard conclusion to avoid, though, because both systems were/are bogged down by proprietary media; in the N64's case, the high cost of carts resulted in expensive software for consumers and expensive manufacturing costs for third parties. BluRay probably won't put much burden on developers (that particular gun-in-mouth onus will be provided by the need for HD graphics capable of competing with Kojima Productions' wizardry), but consumers aren't so lucky. Naturally, the system will come down in cost as BluRay manufacturing yields increase -- assuming, of course, that the BluRay format actually catches on. (Not that Sony's had much luck in that regard, well, ever.) For the next couple of years, though, PS3 is pretty much in bank loan/mortgage territory... especially when you consider that you'll need a top-of-the-line TV to make full use of the system. TVs that start at $2000 -- which maybe explains why Sony would even begin to think $600 is a reasonable price for a game console. (Or rather, $1200, since the first PS3 you buy will invariably break down.) Apparently it hasn't yet occured to the company that, oh yeah, normal people don't spend upwards of $2000 on TVs.

I guess the company's future rests on whether or not people become incredibly wealthy in the next couple of years. Here's hoping! I for one would not mind being so rich I could rolling naked in money in my free time and afford a PS3 without a second thought.

As soon as they get some good games for it, which based on what was shown in playable form I guess could coincide with the price coming down (roughly 2009).

Huh, I guess they planned this out better than I expected. Onward to victory, then.

Oh, I repaired my wiki database. I'm stumped as to what precisely happened to it, but whatever, it's fixed now. You may now resume being offended by my opinions of ten-year-old videogames.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 32 comments | §

Ah, E3 interviews

12 May 06 | 07:07

There is no feeling better than when you're interviewing a few Japanese developers and ask a question that causes them to pause and say "Oh!" and begin hastily conversing among themselves at length. Because then you know you've cracked through the language barrier and their general indifference to the press to provoke their interest. And there is no feeling worse than when you're interviewing a few Japanese developers and ask a question that causes them to pause and say "Oh!" and begin hastily conversing among themselves at length, and the translator comes up with a terse, three-word reply. Because then you'll never know what they said.

I was heartbroken to see my site turned into a discussion forum for Smash Bros. of all things. Really, you guys should know better. When people rib me for being "too much of a Nintendo fan," I can always invalidate their criticism simply by mentioning my all-consuming antipathy (also: venemous hatred, sneering contempt) for that particular "game." [1] It is an orgiastic expression of fanservice, and apparently the litmus test by which Nintendo's Treehouse sorts out worthy employees.

As for why Solid Snake of all characters is the series' first third-party cameo, I have a theory about this. See, Smash Bros. Brawl won't be Snake's first fighting game appearance; he was in Hudson's DreamMix TV, a sort of poor man's Smash Bros. clone by Hudson. Thanks to Hudson's various connections (owned by Konami, and Takara something something) this was a fighting game in which Snake could actually go mano a mano versus Optimus Prime.

Let that sink in for a minute there.

How do you make a bad game out of Snake punching Optimus Prime? I don't really understand the science behind it, but Hudson succeeded with flying colors. DreamMix is garbage even by the low button-mashing-spazzery standards set by Smash Bros. So my theory is that Kojima figured if his big breadwinner is doomed to be in crappy fighting games, he might as well be in one that people will actually play.

At least the end of that MGS4 trailer makes sense now.


Yeah. All told, I don't think it's been a very good E3 for Snake.

---

[1] Then again, I think my dreams last night revolved around Super Paper Mario imagery, so what do I know.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 43 comments | §

Here comes the flood

10 May 06 | 08:23

In thirty-five minutes, the show doors open and they let the nerdling rush commence. I can already see eager faces mooshed against the glass.

As usual, your best bet is to move to higher ground to avoid the flood.

Edit: Wow, the crush was... not so bad. They were all organized this year and let the first wave (Early Media) in an hour before the mad press of nerdflesh, giving me time to try out Castlevania, Boktai DSLunar Knights and (dreamy sigh) Yoshi's Island 2 in relative quiet. For an extra flourish of genius, I then scrambled to Kentia Hall before the geeks arrived en masse. Since no one wants to be in Kentia on day one.

ALSO: I want to establish a rule that all developers should be as friendly and hilarious as Dragon Quest Rocket Slime's Yoshiki Watabe. I guess maybe devs turn into caricatures of the games they create, or maybe they're just put on projects that match their personalities, because Watabe burbled with goofy enthusiasm, which made for the single best interview I've ever conducted. Meanwhile, the FFXII collective (Kawazu, Yoshia, Ogawa, etc.) were sort of stony and grim. Talented, no question, but seriously intimidating.

In fairness, I think a lot of what makes for a good interview (with Japanese developers) comes down to the translators. Most of them seem to prefer quiet and generally shy women who meekly repeat your questions; Watabe had Richard Honeywood, the genius responsible for DQVIII's excellent translation, and they clearly have a friendly working relationship. So let this be your lesson: bring along the developer's awesome British buddies to your E3 interviews.

Anyway, even if I didn't like Rocket Slime I'd totally have to recommend you play it just because the creator is so great. But as it happens, the game itself is pretty rad, too, so I can promote it in good conscience. I'll have a preview up tonight... as they say in Japan, "please look forward to it."

posted by: | category: blog | forums | 29 comments | §

I think I'm burnt out on Final Fantasy guys

09 May 06 | 07:10

I wrote a whole lot about Final Fantasy yesterday. Most recently: a Final Fantasy III hands-on. You know, I could actually see them using the FFIII DS graphics engine for a Final Fantasy VII remake. After all, it's not like there's going to be an FFVII remake on PS3 or anything, because the guys who designed that real-time demo last year are off making FFXIII, see. But I'm sure they could pull together a team to turn it into a DS title, maybe give it a consistent graphical style all the way through, tone down the dopiness, that kind of thing. And the thought of so many shattered fanboy dreams warms my heart.

Speaking of dopiness, congratulations to Microsoft and Nintendo; Sony has just conceded the next-gen race. (Sorry, Nintendo. I meant "new gen.") People certainly liked to rib MS for the 360 "tard pack," but man, $300 for an underpowered machine looks like genius next to a $500 machine that manages not to incorporate any of the PS3's actual selling points and may not in fact be upgradable. It's not so much a tard pack as a limbless-baby-left-to-die-in-the-woods pack.


To get the full-featured system, you'll have to shell out $600... which means retailer bundles this fall will start at $800 and probably average around $1100. Sony has just moved into what looks like a very exclusive gated community, but I think once they get settled they'll notice their neighbors are the likes of 3DO and LaserActive. And that's not a good neighborhood to be in at all. And let's not even get into the pitiful, crippled Wii-remote rip-off. It's like they're not even trying anymore.

Anyway, remember when I said that PS3 is likely to be Sony's N64? Yeah, pay up -- you owe me twenty bucks. Not that we made a bet or anything, I just think I deserve some dough on general principle.

P.S., to everyone linking here as though I've somehow revealed god's truth about Ouendan, remember that I was just commenting on rumors I've read online. The only new information I've provided here is that japanophile fanboys should be beaten with bamboo or rattan or other bludgeons of Asian origin.

ALSO: it appears something has happened to my wiki article database. Fortunately the articles are there -- the site just doesn't seem to know how to point to them. I'll fix it all up post-E3.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 26 comments | §

A narrow escape

08 May 06 | 09:16

Thankfully, the site is alive after all. I'm not entirely convinced of its ability to withstand record numbers of nerds pinging the server come Wednesday, but we'll see. The fact that it's even running right now is like sweet, sweet kickassohol to me, because it means I didn't come to L.A. to stare into a blank void of depression.

A lot of seemingly substantial rumors about secret games are beginning to leak from the rusty bucket that is the media. Stuff like WarioWare Wii, which is, you know, hardly surprising -- seriously, as if Nintendo would say "WELP we have this neat new controller, but I don't really see the point in putting it to use for a series of quirky microgames perfectly suited to its unique functionality!" -- and stuff like a U.S. version of Ossu! Tatakae! Ouendan!, which is considerably more unexpected. Sadly, the rules of NDA mean that I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that it's coming under the name "Elite Beat Agents" and that it's been given entirely new scenarios and music, making it effectively a sequel to one of the best games on DS. Neither can I confirm that these theoretical new scenarios and music appear to be every bit as compelling as those in the original Japanese version of the game.


I am authorized, however, to confirm that people whining about these ostensible changes due to some innate belief that everything Japanese is inherently better are complete idiots who need to be taken out and beaten.

With bamboo rods, of course, because blunt objects of an Asian origin deliver superior beatings to American cudgels.

posted by: | category: games | forums | sixteen comments | §

Jane get me out of this crazy place

07 May 06 | 21:20

Guys

GUYS

I'm in L.A. now. I hate it just as much as usual! Maybe more so because our site is currently down as a result of a major upgrade we applied last night. Reminds me of the heady days of aught-four, when we decided to relaunch the site the day before E3 and generated such a massive disaster of a rushed redesign that (1) we had to hold off until late June and (2) it was still horrible anyway. The new site is pretty much better in every way, which is good, but at the moment it completely doesn't work. Which is bad. So... if we're not up tomorrow, be sure to check back here for the latest updates on Square Enix and Nintendo's conferences.

(oh geez)

posted by: | category: blog | forums | twelve comments | §

New-ish Super Mario Bros.

06 May 06 | 18:30

I hope you guys made it to your local comic book store today, because they were handing out Free Scott Pilgrim. Which is exactly what it sounds like: a free issue of Scott Pilgrim. Sure, it's a little more loosely drawn than usual and the plot didn't actually make any sense, but did you notice where the name was "Free Scott Pilgrim"? Right. That means it is a tiny dollop of comic genius, a small but concetrated dose of geeky Franklin Richards shirts and Pepsi-as-River-City-Ransom-powerups to tide us mortals over until the May 200X release of Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness.

It's too bad I'm currently engaged in my Metroidvania blitz (now standing at 35% into Circle of the Moon) and burbling sadly at the prospect of the blank wall of adrenaline-fueled desperation that is E3, because New Super Mario Bros. has put me in the mood to kick off that Mariothon thing I vowed to initiate some while ago.

Since info on NSMB has begun trickling its way onto Los Internetos via The 1Up Show and our various vile competitors, I guess I'm not under information embargo anymore. SO! Here is some exclusive information:

New Super Mario Bros. is a pretty good game!


But brace yourselves, because NSMB is going to be one of those games that -- through no fault of its own -- provokes a really annoying amount of backlash among certain types. (By "certain types" I mean the usual message board rabble who make you want to kill the Internet in a slap-fight.) I don't really think Nintendo set out to do with anything with the game besides create a really enjoyable old-fashioned kind of Mario adventure, a mission at which they succeeded admirably. The problem is that its lineage brings a certain degree of expectation along with it: after all, Super Mario Bros. pretty much invented the side-scroller, and Super Mario 64 pretty much invented 3D platforming. Is it fair to expect every single new chapter of a landmark series to be equally inspirational? I can't imagine how that would even begin to be a realistic expectation, but Internet types aren't really known for their modest demands. Some even have the sheer temerity to expect movies to have functional plots, scripts and characterization. The nerve!

So anyway, I will say up front that if you go into NSMB anticipating that it will shake your own personal world (yea, unto its very fundament), you are in for a long period of soul-searching and existential sorrow as your hopes and dreams are shattered. On the other hand, if you're after a good old-fashioned romp that delights in gentle abuse in the form of insane tests of skill, you will likely dig NSMB.

It appears that rat Kohler has already finished the game, although he plowed through in about three hours using every shortcut he could get his hands on. Me, I spent about two days before reaching the end, visiting every level I could find and pausing to replay levels to net each area's devious assortment of secrets. And then I went back and played through a whole bunch of stages half a dozen times apiece trying to unravel other various secrets, some of which I rather failed at. For instance, there are two entire worlds (not stages, mind. WORLDS) I haven't even seen yet because they are not merely optional but in fact insanely difficult to reach.

I calculate that Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness will in fact arrive before I clear the entirety of NSMB. If that tells you anything.

posted by: | category: games | forums | thirteen comments | §

Items of interest

05 May 06 | 10:01

(1) In what could not possibly be a coincidence given the recent announcement of Cooking Mama, GSW has posted a brief but enticing Ore No Ryouri retrospective. Carless just keeps on cramping my style.

(2) For those who follow the thrilling explots of The 1UP Show I apologize again for my prominent involvement this week. A bunch of publishers weaseled out of exclusives so they were forced to turn to me in desperation to fill crucial pre-E3 air time with talk of Mother 3. Which, while cool, is probably not on most gamers' minds these days. Still, I don't think my interviews were a complete loss, provided they don't cut out some of my utterly inappropriate remarks. The "buttstomp connoisseur" comment was mildly amusing in and of itself, but I will never, ever forget the looks of blank horror that resulted on Shane and Shoe's faces.

Also, I mentioned the Earthbound Arts Album in passing and probably came off a bit more sneeringly than I intended. It's actually a remarkable little accomplishment and perfectly sums up why I both fear and respect the Starmen kids: in order to convince Nintendo to publish the Mother 1 + 2 collection for GBA, they compiled a massive hardbound book (printed on nice glossy paper) full of fan art, comics and even some CDs of tribute music, shipped them to several game magazines, and -- I presume -- hoped for the best. Of course, nothing came of it, but you have to admit the effort is... mind-boggling? Deranged? Amazing? Sociopathic? Your call.

Then again, certain of my coworkers have hundreds of days' time invested into their clocks in various MMORPG, so I guess obsession is pretty much all around us.

(3) Today is Cinco De Mayo, so please celebrate with me the only way I know how:



P.S. If you don't normally partake of the 1UP Show, I can't recommend this week's episode enough. Skip ahead past my lame antics to the final 8 minutes or so, because that's where Wil Wright himself starts talking candidly as he shows off a live demo of Spore. It's probably the single most inspiring videogaming thing ever commited to film, and I am not even kidding.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 21 comments | §

At last, nothing is too Japanese for Americans

04 May 06 | 11:45

I guess the anime invasion has reached its apex, the point of ultimate conquest of us big-eyed, pointy-nosed, pink-skinned types: Both Baito Hell 2000 and Cooking Mama are coming to the U.S. For those unfamiliar, Baito Hell is basically WarioWare except weirder and intentionally awful, while Cooking Mama is a ridiculously addictive game in which a middle-aged woman teaches you to cook. I've played the import a fair amount but I can't really cook much besides rice since a solid knowledge of Japanese is sort of assumed. (However, my rice is wicked awesome, gold medal stuff -- perfectly glutinous and firm without being undercooked. In a virtual sense, I mean.)

I actually rather like Cooking Mama more than Brain Age, which also features a middle-aged Japanese person goading you to excellence. But when you screw up in Brain Age, Professor Kawashima is kind of a smug jerk about it; when you screw up in Cooking Mama, the lady just seems sad and slightly disappointed. Then her eyes burst into flames. It really provokes an interesting mixed sensation of shame and fear that I don't think enough videogames achieve.

The real point is that neither of these games are going to exceed four-figure sales because, really, they weren't even very popular over in Japan. So from now on, it's safe to assume any game can make it to the U.S. regardless of how suitable it is for American tastes. Which means that if a game doesn't make it over, it's because that publisher hates you. Hates you, personally.

Now I just need to break my habit of typing "Cooking Mana" every time. It goes from being a charming culinary school game to an adventure in serving up Rabite meat.

Mushboom gets batter-fried!

posted by: | category: blog | forums | 28 comments | §

Jim Henson's Advent Babies

03 May 06 | 08:56

Now that traffic due to my uncomfortably infamous Final Fantasy VII review has subsided and dropped back as close to normal as I'm likely to see ever again, I've posted the obvious follow-up. Now your duty is:

• Become deeply indignant that I've presumed to present my opinion in such a forward fashion. How dare I;
• Post a lengthy diatribe in the comments about what a horrible sub-human monster I am; and finally,
• Never, ever link to it.

You'll be graded on your diatribes; personal assaults and disdainful aspersions on my professionalism are a good start, but I'm looking for real creativity. Bonus points for self-contradictory complaints, especially if they accuse me of such by building a strict, reductivist strawman version of what I actually wrote. But no clichés, please; Hilter comparisons are an automatic failing grade.

You have 30 minutes... go.

Edit: I have to say, J-Pizzle wins the prize for best response to the FFVII review (in the form of commentary for his latest comic). Passive-aggressive and subtly insulting. Not to mention the product of cojones los metales, since he reports to me.

Well played, John... you're fired.

posted by: | category: media | forums | 64 comments | §

There will be a test later

02 May 06 | 12:13

Seriously, there will.

posted by: | category: games | forums | 29 comments | §

It's a nice day for a white protest

01 May 06 | 12:38

San Francisco never seems to disappoint. What could have been a boring Monday was instantly enlived the moment I stepped out of the subway and found myself in the thick of a protest march. I guess some people are angry about immigration laws, or something. I don't know, as I didn't actually stick around long enough to find out. Thousands of people banging drums and dressed as rastafarian clowns (read: Bozo with dreds) flanked by what appeared to be the entirety of the SFPD in full riot gear helped me reach the conclusion that the cacaphony was best appreciated from a distance. Like, a block away and eight stories up.

What made it indigenously San Francisco, of course, is that I could hear the march as I climbed out of the subway, but the first thing I saw was good ol' Frank Chu, tromping along with his usual 12 Galaxies sign. He wasn't protesting the same thing as everyone else, I'm sure. He just loves having company for his perpetual struggle against the Man, or... whatever it is he's struggling against. Fight the power, Frank. Assuming that's what you're fighting.

Also, I tallied up my game collection over the weekend and determined that I own way, way too many games. I'm not even hoarding... they just seem to accumulate. So I think it's time for a weeding. Anyone need about 180 random, unneeded games for pretty much every system under the sun? The Lynx stuff alone is priceless.

No, wait, sorry. I meant "worthless."

posted by: | category: blog | forums | 23 comments | §