Return of the little people

31 May 08 | 21:09 | Posted by:

Ever one to do things backwards, now that I've reviewed Final Fantasy Tactics A2 I've decided that this is as good a time as any to go back and finally finish its GBA predecessor. I'd played about 9 hours before losing interest back when it was released, but when I booted up my save file this week I had no idea what was going on in the story, or how I had intended to develop my party. So, back to square one.

Seven hours later, I'm surprised to discover that I like the GBA iteration quite a bit more than the DS version. Not that A2 is bad or anything, but I'm finding quite a bit of underlying substance to the first game that I didn't pick up on when I played it in 2003. There is a good reason for this: Much of what I'm noticing now are elements that connect it to Final Fantasy XII, which of course no one had played five years ago. It's a certain undercurrent of subtleties that I'm having trouble pinning down precisely (as well as obvious elements, like pieces of music that showed up again in FFXII), but it's definitely there. Despite the insubstantial story -- well, initially insubstantial, I should say -- Final Fantasy Tactics Advance feels like it belongs to Matsuno's universe, while FFTA2 feels more in keeping with Revenant Wings. Which is fine and all, but... I know which I prefer.

On a random amusing note, Nich left a save file on this cart which I'm keeping for sentimental reasons. Well, sentimental reason: He named his clan "Gamentia," which is one of the terrible, awful, ridiculous names we considered for the website we were helping to plan at the time before deciding that our first instinct was correct and that we should go ahead and call it 1UP.com. Goofy, huh? But Gamentia still beats some of the other suggestions a think tank came up with for us. My favorite is still "Varnishing America.com" -- apparently because if you look hard, it has the word "game" in there! Yeah. Money well spent.

category: games | forums | twelve comments | §

Here is an interesting link

30 May 08 | 11:20 | Posted by:

I cannot comment on the claims made in this post.



At least not until June 10, anyway. After that, though....

Edit: On a related but much lighter note, here are this week's MGS4 previews: A not-entirely-helpful rundown of the story to date and a really detailed breakdown of the gameplay elements essential to stealth. They're pretty decent, but next week's content will be even better... I hope?

category: games | forums | 25 comments | §

Break your mother's back

29 May 08 | 20:29 | Posted by:

I finally took some time to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Apparently some people really dislike this movie or something? I can safely say those people are nuts.



See? Elderly Indy is not amused by your antics.

I don't feel particularly compelled to write up a full review on this one, because honestly, what's the point? It was exactly what an Indiana Jones movie should be: A straightforward, unpretentious, all-ages-friendly action movie whose lightweight script is carried largely by the brisk pacing, the character interplay and perfectly-timed delivery of dialogue. It is neither as spot-on brilliant as Raiders of the Lost Ark nor as funny as The Last Crusade, but it was fun. Entertaining. This is a series patterned after 15-minute Saturday morning serials -- High Art is is not. It is low art, and a very effective example at that. As it should be!

It was also admirably light on cheeky self-referentialism. I think the creators realized that the franchise is a deeply-ingrained part of American pop culture by now, to the point where glib references to the original trilogy have been beaten into submission by bottom-feeders like Family Guy. Of course, certain motifs are repeated, like the opening fade from the Paramount logo into a similar live shot, but those are traditions. Rather than beat viewers over the head with endless jokes about the older movies, Kingdom affirms its connection to its roots by looking like an Indiana Jones movie. It lacks the glossy, computer-rendered sheen of modern Hollywood, using CG sparingly, and generally only for elements that would have looked just as fake with old-fashioned optical effects. (Let's be honest -- Belloq's exploding head looked dumb even back then.) The colors, the lighting, the cinematography, even foley effects like the distinct gunshot crack of a punch to the jaw -- all pitch-perfect. It's a pleasant diversion of a movie that works even outside the context of the franchise, but is all the more enjoyable for respecting its history in defiance of contemporary action-flick standards.

In other words, it was the opposite of the Star Wars prequels. And blissfully so! Anyone who expected something more clearly doesn't understand what Indiana Jones is about.

Edit: Apparently this post has made people very angry, and I feel awful for turning Indiana Jones into something divisive. It should be a uniter! A reason for mankind to come together in love and happiness. Oh well.

category: film | forums | 25 comments | §

Home slices

28 May 08 | 20:55 | Posted by:

Slice off some release lists, kids, 'cause daddy's home. Uh, never mind. That was dumb. I have nothing.

New Game + | Weekly Games Releases
This is a week of justice! Of come-uppance! Of a video game so chatty that you even learn how many gonads its alien species possess! Yeah, I think there's such a thing as knowing when to call it quits and self-edit, and Mass Effect goes a bit beyond that point. It's still fun, though! Even if the PC version's new, cluttered HUD makes me kind of nauseous to look at.


Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Releases
For a completely insane oddball, Woody Harrelson certain does show up in some interesting roles these days. Maybe some day I'll watch some of them! Like... after I retire or something.

category: film, games | forums | seven comments | §

Oh, San Francisco

28 May 08 | 14:37 | Posted by:

You're so dumb. How I missed you while I was away.

(P.S., weekly columns go up tonight. Better late than never, eh?)

category: blog | forums | nine comments | §

How to get rich on eBay

28 May 08 | 07:08 | Posted by:

1. Allow international bidding

That's it! I was surprised by how many queries I've received on my recent auctions about the price of shipping abroad. Then it occurred to me that foreigners are probably swooping down on the U.S. eBay service to take advantage of the worthlessness of the dollar. So, not only am I making money, I'm also reducing the trade deficit!

Now if only each and every citizen in the U.S. could sell about $20,000 worth of stuff to people outside the country on eBay, we'd be in great shape. Minus the seller's fees, of course.

category: blog | forums | 17 comments | §

Not so brave in this new world

27 May 08 | 23:13 | Posted by:

I gave up driving when I moved to San Francisco five years ago, because I hate driving, and a monthly bus pass means I can go anywhere in the city with something approaching efficiency for a little more than $500 a year -- way less than car payments or gas or insurance (to say nothing of the three combined!). So my Exxon stop today before returning the weekend's rental car was the first time I've gassed up a gar in ages, meaning it's the first time I've experienced that nauseating knot in the stomach as you watch your price tally streak toward ten bucks as the volume indicator ambles leisurely past two gallons. Man.

Traveling around the greater D.C. area over the past few days has reminded me just how hard gasoline's one-way ticket to Gougeville is going to hit the country in the coming years. Outside of a half-dozen dense metro areas, the past century of U.S. civic engineering has been built around the assumption of the permanent availability of cheap, plentiful gas. The most horrifying thing I saw all weekend was a newly-minted, artificial suburb-slash-strip mall whose name I can't even remember -- essentially a deconstructed shopping mall with the stores and parking lots freely intermingled, seemingly manufactured to resemble a quaint village. It failed, of course. Mostly it felt like someone had lifted one of the innumerable vapid shopping towns that comprise the majority of urban development between South San Francisco and San Jose and dropped it whole a few miles from Dulles. I wonder if cities and suburbs responsible for inventions like this will be able to adapt to the new reality in which driving a few blocks to go everywhere is no longer an afterthought to be taken for granted but a luxury few can afford, or if the entire country is just totally boned. I guess we'll all find out in ten years, if we're not dead from rioting.

On the plus side, I've discovered that U.S. Airways is apparently the last competent airline in America. Yeah, they've cut corners and corners -- nothing is as fun as your stomach rumbling 500 miles into a cross-country trip before realizing that they don't even give you a bag of pretzels for free -- but at least those are fairly insubstantial considerations. (Most everyone else is laying off staff and overbooking their flights.) I flew round-trip across the country with connections for a total of four flights bookending a major holiday weekend, and each and every leg of the trip not only departed on time but mostly landed early. And there were empty seats, too! In fact, my Dulles-to-Phoenix flight was so far ahead of schedule I was able to jump on an earlier flight to San Francisco, which landed so far ahead of schedule that we had to taxi for 15 minutes because the traffic tower wasn't ready for us. With the media full of stories of passengers turning feral after being stuck on the tarmac for 10 hours at a time, it was sort of refreshing to have a completely painless travel experience. It was like a brief reminder of the good old days before air travel in this country went straight down the crapper. Ah, memories.

category: blog | forums | 20 comments | §

I survived

26 May 08 | 18:46 | Posted by:

But only just barely. A four-day gauntlet of Vietnamese wedding ceremonies and rehearsals and bar tabs followed by two days of being put into the sights of a likely future father-in-law who is sort of like the distilled essence of Hiroshi Yamauchi -- it was touch-and-go for a while. But I survived.

Flyin' back to San Francisco tomorrow night, after which time: updates resume. After I've finally had a chance to see Indiana Jones, anyway. It pains my soul on a deep, existential setting not to have seen it yet. No, I don't care if you like it or hate it. I'm going to watch it and love it, thanks.

In the meantime, here is a meme:



No sarcasm here! I'm really digging Chocobo's Dungeon.

Wow, this was a remarkably schizophrenic update.

category: blog | forums | sixteen comments | §

Le tresor interdit

24 May 08 | 08:40 | Posted by:

I've been listening to Chrono Cross soundtrack for the first time in... ooh, years. It showed up randomly on my iPod playlist and I didn't bother to fast-forward through it, and wow. That image above? Pretend I'm Serge and the Frozen Flame is the soundtrack. I am trying to grasp its power, but it is blowing me away. And then turning my dad into a power-thirsty furry for no clearly-explained reason.

Part of what makes it so good, I suspect, is the headphones I'm using. I picked up a pair of AudioTechnicas while I was in Japan as an inexpensive replacement for the chunky Sennheisers I'd been using for the past year. The latter sounded pretty nice and did a remarkable job of blocking out, well, everything while I was commuting, but their charmingly ugly retro look also made them uncomfortable to wear and carry. The ATs sounded just as good at the SoftMap display, albeit a bit less bass-responsive, and they were nicely compact and collapsible. So I grabbed them and, two months later, have finally broken in the sound elements.

They're still less bass-friendly than the Sennheisers, which is to say too much bass causes them to distort horribly. I have to set the iPod's EQ to "Normal," because anything that boosts the lower frequencies at all results in agonizing agony. This, it turns out, isn't actually a bad thing. I kinda miss the fat bottom girls end, but there's merit in listening to music the way it was actually recorded. Also, the ATs do an incredible job of separating individual sounds, so each instrument sounds wonderfully clear. Admittedly not as nice as the high-end open-ear Sennheisers I use for my console setup, but for a pair of inexpensive, closed-ear, portable headphones they're pretty fantastic. I figure if each individual pluck of an acoustic guitar's strings makes my ears vibrate sympathetically, I'm doing OK.

Uh, anyway, yeah. Great soundtrack. I still think "Fate: Gods of Destiny" is the best tune Emerson Lake and Palmer never recorded.

Also: The Wii Fit news analysis piece I wrote for the new EGM has appeared magically online. This is one of those rare pieces I feel came out exactly the way I had hoped, and it features Shigeru Miyamoto confirming many of my personal biases about the nature of "non-games," so I exhort everyone to give it a read.

category: games | forums | 22 comments | §

Dennis Rodman's excellent gun-running adventure (aka Eye Have You)

23 May 08 | 06:36 | Posted by:

Ah, compulsory trips to weddings. Is there anything better in the whole world? Right now I'm staying at my girlfriend's best friend's sister's house, somewhere in the suburban McMansion fields a few miles from Dulles International. My presence appears to have inspired the eviction of a five-year-old girl from her room so I can sleep in her bed. It's very small, and surrounded by rather lurid shades of pink on all sides. On the whole, I'd rather be at the office.

Speaking of which, the latest Metal Gear Solid 4 thing I've done over at that one other site I sometimes write for is a detailed preview of the game's Drebin Shop. No, I don't know why Kojima named a guy who circumvents weapon security lockouts and owns a soda-guzzling monkey in a mylar diaper after the klutzy detective in the Naked Gun flicks. Probably for the same reason he does everything: He likes movies, wants to make movies, and feels compelled to include a shout-out to every movie he's ever seen in his games. Fair enough.


Another satisfied Drebin Shop customer surveys his handiwork.
The preview is, of course, about 25% "load of crap" by weight. Chee, will the Drebin Shop spoil the gameplay by making things too easy? Or will it work out to be OK? I wonder! But please do not let the man behind the curtain spoil your morning.

category: games | forums | sixteen comments | §

You call this archaeology?

22 May 08 | 12:24 | Posted by:

By the time this post goes live, a new episode of Retronauts should be available. If not, uh, try back later.

If you want to hear straight, informative talk about games based on the Indiana Jones movies and the NES Ninja Gaiden trilogy, you will be sorely disappointed. However, if you wish to hear a bunch of guys making dumb jokes at each other while ostensibly talking about games based on the Indiana Jones movies and the NES Ninja Gaiden trilogy, you're in luck! This episode is probably the least effective we've ever recorded at fulfilling our task of being informed and game-literate. However, it is also very funny. So I guess your feelings on its quality will vary according to your personal priorities.

category: blog | forums | eleven comments | §

Gaming's greatest ongoing misnomer

21 May 08 | 20:36 | Posted by:

I posted a rather over-long and generally aimless Final Fantasy Tactics A2 preview today which I think paints the picture of a good (but not perfect) game. Yes: It is a critical preview, the sort of thing the Internet likes to complain that "no one ever writes."

Now to sit back and wait for someone to complain because previews aren't supposed to be so biased and how dare we.



I started work on a Chocobo's Dungeon review playthrough today, too. Between these and Crystal Chronicles and Final Fantasy IV, I've apparently become the site's Associate Editor of Final Fantasy. (An append to my main job as Senior Editor of Metal Gear.) I can certainly think of worse fates! Still, I wouldn't mind playing a first-person shooter again, someday. I vaguely remember liking those, I think.

Finally, I shall conclude my Final Fantasy IV review project with a haiku:

Challenge fierce on Earth
But once whaleborne in night's sky?
Astronomical

category: blog | forums | ten comments | §

Japanese for "boo yah"

20 May 08 | 21:05 | Posted by:

It's official, I guess:



Is it weird that this is the only game I'm really and truly looking forward to for the rest of the year? Granted, I've already had my time with Metal Gear Solid 4 and Etrian Odyssey II, but still. I feel like there should be something else. Hum.

category: games | forums | 39 comments | §

Purple Haze prose

20 May 08 | 10:57 | Posted by:

Apparently Ubisoft's oft-delayed shooter Haze is being utterly reamed by the press. I don't care one way or the other, since I don't have anything like free time to mess with iffy games, but I will be paying very close attention to the fallout from this. Ubisoft has been known to take their toys and go home when reviewers pan their releases, but this seems like an awful lot of publications to give the silent treatment. However will they cope?

But enough snark! Have at you. Since no one wanted my super-awesome deluxe PC Engine Duo package, I've broken it into its components:

• PC Engine Duo system plus 8 games
  
• Dracula X: Rondo of Blood
  
• Magical Chase
  
• Faussete Amour

Yeah, I'm gonna go cry in a corner now. So please help make this effort worth the heartbreak.

category: games | forums | eleven comments | §

Voluptuous crimson

20 May 08 | 08:12 | Posted by:

Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Column
I don't have anything to add to this week's column, but I'm sure we're all excited about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls... right? Everyone at work is going Thursday morning for free! Sadly, I will be on an airplane flying to someone's wedding Thursday. Like I needed more reasons to hate going to weddings.


New Game + | Weekly Games Column
I'm proud of our columnists for skipping the easy, obvious pick in favor of something independent. Penny Arcade Adventures looks quite good... although I dread the appearance of negative reviews, which will prompt a certain short-tempered comic illustrator to use his site as a bully pulpit to insult the parentage of anyone who suggests the game is less than perfect. No surprises there, yes?

---

Edit: Good grief, let's nip this in the bud before it gets any stupider. I'm not trashing Penny Arcade -- I love the site and the comic and I have boundless respect for the way two normal geeks have honed their skills and turned a hobby into a globe-spanning empire. I was just remarking on the artist's notorious habit of lashing out with shocking ferocity at people who say something he disagrees with, and I dread the inevitable "game critics are boils on humanity's ass" screeds that will follow. It's their good cop/bad cop routine. Mike is the volatile, direct one; Jerry is the cool-headed one who veils his anger and insults behind a labyrinthine construct of barbed words. Got it? Now, can we move on and just play their game? OK thanks.

category: film, games | forums | 17 comments | §

Pauly Shore would be jealous

19 May 08 | 22:34 | Posted by:

I'm gonna be pretty sad if I ever have to move away from San Francisco. It's such a great place to live, not least of all because the city is a sort of self-regulating organism -- a naturally temperature-controlled environment to put the Bio-Dome to shame. Case in point, the city toiled under an unusually scorching 90-degrees-plus heat wave last week. (For some reason, 95º Fahrenheit feels much hotter here than it ever did in Texas -- maybe because no one owns air conditioning?) And then... the fog arrived.


I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but the way the city cools itself automatically once the temperature climbs high enough never ceases to amaze me. Since the fog hit, it's been cool and overcast with highs in the 70s and lows about 50 degrees lower than last week's peak high. I'm pretty sure that when they designed this city, they built it with me in mind.

category: blog | forums | ten comments | §

GameSpite Issue 7.2: The all-ducks episode

19 May 08 | 07:36 | Posted by:

You wouldn't think there's too much in common between a fuzzy-looking N64 falling-block puzzler and an early PlayStation 2 role-playing game, but you'd be wrong! Because those games are Wetrix and Suikoden III, and they are all about ducks. Be it large, humanoid ducks waging war or little floaty rubber ducks bobbing about on the surface of a puzzle field, it is all about ducks this week.

Mmm, duck. Man, suddenly I could go for some Chinese.

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Suikoden III
Contributor Kirin kicks off the Suikoden series hub page with a 21-paragraph salute to the third game in the series. (Disclaimer: May not be exactly 21 paragraphs.) The hub is bare except for this and that Luca Blight thing from last year, but just you wait until I find time to write a thesis on Suikoden II's brilliance.


Wetrix
I met the author of this article, wumpwoast, a couple of weeks ago. In very little time one truth became intensely evident: This is a man who really loves Wetrix. I think that wild-eyed enthusiasm comes through clearly in this article. Lock up your daughters.

category: blog | forums | nine comments | §

Zanzibarland of confusion

18 May 08 | 15:47 | Posted by:

I found an odd image at this Metal Gear fan site: The interior view of Solid Snake's polygon model from Sons of Liberty.


Apparently inside of Snake is... Phil Collins in a fedora. For some reason I'd always imagined he was made of sterner stuff.

category: games | forums | fourteen comments | §

Still more reasons to hate the Internet

17 May 08 | 10:17 | Posted by:

See Palom's "Twin" skill, there? In Final Fantasy IV DS, it's called "Twincast." And thanks to the human filth that litters the Internet, every time I see that menu option I read it as "Twincest" and feel sad. Luckily, you can customize each character's menu and remove unwanted skills. I hate to crimp my tactical options, but I think preserving my sanity is worth the compromise.

Speaking of FFIV, the remake's version of Dr. Lugae is the most horriblest boss ever made.

category: blog, games | forums | 21 comments | §

Addendum to previous:

16 May 08 | 08:21 | Posted by:

I've noticed that whenever I post about the frustrating, toilsome, degrading, or downright insulting problems that arise in the course of my day job, someone inevitably has to tell me how I'm a stupid whiner who doesn't appreciate his awesome luck in being able to write about video games. Because clearly all I do all day is just play video games. Delivered to me daily on a gilt, quilted pillow by sexually willing harem girls in the employ of fabulously wealthy video game publishers. Accompanied by free swag and lobster tails.

This is a job, just like any other. I write and manage content during the day, so most of the time I spend playing the games I review comes after my 10-hour day at the office and late into the night. This is time that people in healthier careers regard as "personal time." But not me! I rarely have time to do anything interesting on weekends, because, well, I'm working. This is something of a strain on my relationship, since my girlfriend doesn't particularly appreciate the hours I'm expected to keep -- especially on the salary I'm offered. And then there are the "relationships" at work, the political interactions which constantly remind you of two things. (One:) That as a person who puts a rating on a product, developers see you as worthless scum picking apart their hard work. But that's better than (Two:) the way you're regarded by publishers; they see you as a target of opportunity, a number waiting to happen that will either help or hinder their sales (and the corporately-mandated Metacritic quotas they're expected to maintain on the individual products they're assigned). They keep alarmingly detailed files on reviewers' tastes, interests and lives in an effort to sway their opinions. And when said reviewers spoil their efforts to sway an opinion, the publisher often reverts to naked hostility, throwing figurative (or literal!) tantrums and sulking that you'll never be privy to inside info ever again.

In other words, it's a great career choice if you're young enough to regard early access to cool games with wide-eyed reverence, and who cares about anything else. Or if you're naive enough to think that you're Making A Difference. Or if you've abandoned all personal dignity and integrity and will happily spin away as another cogwheel in the machine. If you don't quite fit any of the above categories, though, welcome! You now understand why I don't regard myself as the luckiest boy on earth.

category: blog | forums | | §

Metal Gear Solid 4-play

15 May 08 | 12:00 | Posted by:

Isn't that just such a clever blog headline? I should freakin' write for Details or something.

Anyway. I wouldn't be a true member of the gaming press if I weren't party to large-scale "independent" projects that ultimately serve as reinforcement for some publisher's marketing efforts, and to that end I have been placed in charge of our "four weeks of Metal Gear Solid 4" hub page. And, it turns out, the bulk of the content that goes with it. Today we start with a hands-on preview, which I tried to make as spoiler-free as possible as a courtesy to you -- you won't learn anything new about the story that you hadn't seen in the early trailers for the game -- and the coming weeks will have additional in-depth previews, a retrospective and even a smart-ass video feature from Sharkey. Because you demanded it.

Well, actually, you didn't demand. But you'll click, and I guess that's what matters.

I hope this isn't coming off as too cynical. If it is, you can blame all the behind-the-scenes nonsense surrounding this game like a suffocating miasma of stupidity. That LA trip I took last week was actually to go to Konami's offices and review the game, and some of the fallout of that whole process seriously makes me want to warn people away from ever even thinking about getting sucked into a gaming press job. I'd explain, but I'm legally prevented from doing so. Ha! Ha! Ugh. Normally the gaming press operates on a series of gentlemen's agreements to pretend we don't know nothin' about a game until such-and-such a date, but in this case it was less an agreement and more me being thrown to the ground with a bootheel on my throat and my arm twisted until it nearly snapped. Nevertheless, ever the obedient corporate lackey, I have written up a preview of the game's first hour -- which I (re) played last night at a press event -- while pretending I have no idea what lies beyond these sections. Even better was the Metal Gear saga plot synopsis I wrote the other day for an upcoming feature in which I feigned ignorance of the upcoming title's revelations (and in a few cases wrote things that will ultimately be dead wrong).

Seriously, guys, do something better with your life than write about video games. Let me be your living cautionary tale.

The thing is, I enjoy MGS4 and like writing about it. But the rest... well, it's quite a downer to think that my 20-year relationship with a great series culminates on such a sour note, especially since my negativity has nothing whatsoever to do with the game itself. I imagine the closer you get to the inner workings of things you love, the more you learn about their sickly awful truths. I shudder to think what would happen if I ever actually worked on things like this. I'd probably set fire to an EB Games or something.



Oh well, at least nothing's tainted my enjoyment of Castlevania... yet. I've gotta say that Order of Ecclesia looks a heck of a lot better than I expected. (The link is a preview! You can learn the game's amazing truths there!) And I have even updated "Metroidvania.com" (such as it is) to reflect the new announcement. Hmm... there's been a real dearth of this genre in the past year or two, eh? But yeah, it's nice to be pleasantly surprised every once in a while. Yes, yes, the still capture image blown to several times its actual size looks poopy -- in motion on a DS screen this will look very nice.

category: games | forums | 20 comments | §

Theory confirmed

14 May 08 | 16:34 | Posted by:

So I just walked into the Tower of Babil (in Final Fantasy IV for DS -- keep up with me, here) and the very first encounter was ludicrously overwhelming: Three fire critters who launched a triple salvo of powerful, all-effect fire attacks. I dragged my sad self away with most of the party dead and Cottaged everyone back to life. Subsequent forays have of course failed to live up to this initial welcoming committee -- just as in every other dungeon I've slogged through. I will be curious to hear other people's experiences with this game, so I can determine if this is a deliberate part of the game's design or just some bizarre fluke present only in my review copy.

Horrible reality update: My girlfriend was selected as one of six graduating students at her school whose work has been strong enough to merit a professional post-grad portfolio review, which generally means great things. Lucrative contracts with photo agencies, for example. For a second there I thought maybe things were going to turn around... but then as she was printing her work at the school lab yesterday, one of her classmates managed to yank her hard drive by the power cord, flinging it off the desk onto the floor. This of course completely destroyed the drive. The drive which contained her entire semester's work (and then some), which naturally she hasn't had time to back up in all the 18-hour work days leading up to finals. Even if the data ends up being recoverable, I doubt it'll be restored soon enough for her review session... and the process will cost a ridiculous amount of money, which of course we (read: I) don't have in the wake of our past few life disasters.

I've never experienced such a persistent, relentless string of modest good news being followed by infinitely worse turns of events as in the past few months. At this point I'm about one setback away from launching a serious research effort into the best-tasting brand of rat poison. I figure if I'm going to give up, I might as well enjoy a tasty demise. Mmmm, poi-son-licious.

category: blog | forums | 32 comments | §

Farewell my easytype

13 May 08 | 19:09 | Posted by:

I'm still working my way through Final Fantasy IV -- I've made it as far as the Tower of Zot -- and I have come to a realization:



When you see a victory pose in this game, it is because you have bloody well earned it.

The original U.S. release of this game was a sort of brain-dead dumbing down of the Japanese version, but the DS remake is exactly the opposite: I would say its difficulty over the SFC original version is roughly equivalent to how much easier the U.S. Final Fantasy II was. In my first battle in Zot, the bad guys managed to kill off my fully rested and healed party in two moves. That's not two rounds -- two moves. And it wasn't the first time I've stepped into a new territory only to be wiped out within seconds. I'm starting to wonder if this game has some sort of counter that tracks whether or not you've ever been to a given dungeon or map region, and if not promptly grinds you to paste.

Seriously, though, wow. I've been on a masochistic RPG kick this year with the likes of Shiren and the Etrian Odysseys, but FFIV is making me question my will to live.

category: games | forums | 25 comments | §

The nicest of the damned

12 May 08 | 21:01 | Posted by:

Add to Queue | Weekly DVD Column
You know, I watched the Indiana Jones trilogy again a few weeks ago and was surprised to realize that Dr. Octopus was the conniving sherpa responsible for trying to abscond with the idol in exchange for an empty promise of the whip. Oddly enough, Spider-man and Indiana Jones is probably the one "please never let it happen" crossover that could actually work. They're both swingers, you see.

New Game + | Weekly Games Column
Another week, another milquetoast refusal to commit to any single game as pick of the week. Spineless columnists! From hell's heart, I blog at thee! Me, I'm calling it for Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, if for no other reason than admiration for Square's willingness to completely deconstruct the genre that serves as their meal ticket.

category: blog | forums | 18 comments | §

GameSpite Issue 7.1: What never was, and never should have been

11 May 08 | 11:13 | Posted by:

Now printing: The Seventh delicious issue of GameSpite. I was hoping to have a bit extra content in this first portion, but I'm pretty burnt out after the past week's ups and downs. So you only get two articles today, plus a hub page. But at least they are interesting:

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Battletoads
I tend not to think of Battletoads as a video game but rather as an exquisitely-designed Skinner box to teach kids to hate games. Every playthrough is like receiving a vicious electric shock. And clearly, contributor CynicalValkyrie agrees, because now she associates games with suffering.

The (Almost) Making of Mythri, Pt. 1
Those of you who've been around for a while may recall an American-developed RPG for Game Boy Color called Mythri which, for various reasons, never came to fruition. Now that the game's director is a big-shot pro developer, he's penned a multi-part trip down memory lane to look at what almost was. (Also features a high-tech hub page!)

category: games, gamespite | forums | nine comments | §

Impressive... most impressive

09 May 08 | 22:52 | Posted by:

Have you guys seen the Clone Wars trailer yet? It's amazing how lifelike the animation is. They've managed to capture the vacuous lifelessness of the prequel trilogy cast perfectly.

category: film | forums | 20 comments | §

Shocking revelation

08 May 08 | 15:05 | Posted by:

My parents sent me a box of random junk and toys and stuff I'd left at their place because I didn't want to be bothered with keeping track of it myself. (That's what parents are for, right? Dumping off your junk onto? Right?) I'm not really sure what to do with it all, but I did make a discovery about the Metal Gear saga that I'd never realized before:



This changes everything, guys.

category: games | forums | fifteen comments | §

Oh, why hello there

07 May 08 | 16:10 | Posted by:

Yes, as a matter of fact I am stuck at LAX for the next five hours. At least! That's assuming no flight delays, a very ludicrous assumption to make in this not-so-gilded age of air travel. One might wonder why I don't simply switch to an earlier flight; one might be surprised to discover that the airline on which my flight was booked has a grand total of one LAX-to-SFO flight each day. It is simply the final indignity in a trip that has been characterized by inconveniences and annoyances at every turn.

Fortunately, the core reason for my being here wasn't so bad. Oh, and I guess having dinner with Tomm Hulett wasn't so awful, either.

But really, at this point I'm almost tempted to rent a car and just drive back home -- I'd probably be there before our scheduled flight even leaves. Of course, the cost of gas would plunge me right back into poverty. No-win situations are the best.

category: blog | forums | eleven comments | §

I am posting at you

05 May 08 | 22:44 | Posted by:

Hey kids, I'm ducking out of my sneaking mission for a moment to bring you the latest news on how to spend your ever-more-enfeebled dollar. Because I'm just that nice.

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Add To Queue | Weekly DVD Column
Hey, Twister is out this week on Blu-ray, I see. Man, that movie sucked like only a flick about a massive low-pressure system can. The only remarkable thing about Twister is that I went to see it on a clear and sunny day, but when I left the theatre, a horrible violent storm had blown in. Yes, only divine intervention can make this movie memorable.

New Game + | Weekly Games Column
Despite the columnists' reluctance to call a clear winner this week, I have to say Boom Blox is racking up major love around the office. I haven't played more than about 30 seconds of it, but given the plaudits it's earning I figure you can't go wrong by at least renting it.

category: film, games | forums | twelve comments | §

Where is Padme?

04 May 08 | 18:42 | Posted by:

I know the final Vader scene of Episode III is supposed to be heartwrenching, and I know the acting and directing make it unintentionally comical. But for me, I've always been struck by how much the question "Where is Padme?" sounds like the name of a children's book.

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Episode III: Thumbnail Theatre, Part 3
"Where is Padme? Is she in disguise as a retainer? No! Where is Padme? Is she sneaking into Anakin's bed again? Not tonight! Where is Padme? Oh, there she is -- lying dead of heartbreak. Yay, you found her!" Anyway, Thumbnail Theatre complete. It was kind of fun. Maybe I'll do another of these someday.

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Meanwhile, I'm on a jet plane at this very moment (well, the moment this post goes live) on the way to L.A., where I will be mostly offline through Thursday. I've been hired to do some wetwork, you see. That means no Retronauts this week, but we'll make up for it with two back-to-back episodes. No way am I missing a chance to justifiably talk about Bionic Commando for an hour.

Edit: You kids who don't check in over the weekend should start here.

category: film | forums | fourteen comments | §

Episode II: Attack of the "constipated expression" jokes

03 May 08 | 19:21 | Posted by:

Episode III: Thumbnail Theatre, Part 2
And like clunky, unreliable clockwork, I have posted the second part of the Episode III Thumbnail Theatre. Now that I've knocked the rust off (and moved into the more obviously stupid portions of the movie), it's moving along at a much quicker pace and the results, I think, are quite a bit better.

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Also, I should mention that the thumbnail images are courtesy of Yakface.com. I was gonna use photos of the actors, but then I realized that using action figures was far more appropriate for a movie of this, uh, calibre. Don't get me wrong -- I enjoyed Episode III. But I'm fully aware of the fact that this enjoyment was due entirely to 25 years of marketing and franchising that has rewired my brain to be able to enjoy utter cinematic trash that exists strictly as a vehicle for selling merchandise.

category: film | forums | thirteen comments | §

Revenge of the thumbnails

02 May 08 | 23:17 | Posted by:

Episode III: Thumbnail Theatre, Part 1
Because you demanded it! No, seriously, you did. Hopefully this first installment will prove to have been worth it for all interested parties. I'm splitting this movie's TT into three parts rather than the usual two. I'm about five years out of practice and my poor senile mind works more effectively with smaller portions, you see.

Hopefully the remainder will go up this weekend. I have a business trip to make Sunday afternoon and will be largely away from the Internet until Thursday, and I'd like to get this all squared away before I vanish. Here is to hoping.

category: film | forums | fifteen comments | §

Just to let you know

01 May 08 | 22:07 | Posted by:

I am working on it right now.

category: blog | forums | ten comments | §

PC Engine of destruction

01 May 08 | 13:14 | Posted by:

So... it's probably going to be mid-June or July before my soon-to-graduate girlfriend finds work and I am no longer supporting two people, in San Francisco, in the midst of a sinking economy, on a game journalist's salary. Needless to say, I am looking forward to mid-June or July! In the meantime, I think I am going to take the opportunity to cut down on some physical possessions I like but don't actually need. Stuff builds up over the years and I don't need it all. As usual, before I put things at the mercy of eBay, I'll dangle it here in case anyone who happens to read this is in better financial circumstance than I am. For now, I think I should sell off my PC Engine Duo and games.

Edit: I think I will try my luck with eBay. Thanks anyway, kids. I'll be sure to play the crap out of these before shipping so's to be able to write 'em up.

category: blog | forums | fifteen comments | §