I can’t really argue that the Star Wars trilogy jumped the shark with the prequel trilogies, but at least it Darth Vader overcame Lucas’ best efforts to undermine the greatness of his character. If you gotta jump the shark, at least you should own the shark.
Sure, Darth Vader may be a whiny doofus now, but Shark Vader is pretty great.
You know, no matter how dreadful the G.I. Joe movie turns out to be — though surprisingly, early word is that it’s considerably less soul-crushingly lousy than certain other summer action films, if not precisely good — I will always admire it for giving us another truly legendary toy. Introducing: Dennis Quaid, Man of Action.
The fascinating combination of jet pack, rifle, too-large-to-be-a-briefcase luggage, and short sleeve shirt says less “elite delta force commander” and more “your neighbor’s scary dad going on vacation with the intent of shooting living creatures somewhere in the woods.” See, just because the movie puts everyone in muted, mostly realistic military outfits doesn’t mean they’re actually any less outlandish than the original toy line’s Village People approach to costuming.
I think we can all agree that G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is going to be a terrible movie, though no doubt the degree of its terribleness will spark endless Internet debates. But it doesn’t matter; the movie is merely a commercial for the essence of G.I. Joe, which is to say “little tiny plastic mans.” The Rise of Cobra toyline landed at retail outlets across America this past weekend, so I decided to brace up against my crushing sense of poverty and pick up a few. Just a few, though. I realize that the eight-dollar asking price on these things is technically precisely in line, inflation-wise, with what the equivalent versions cost when I was a kid. Three bucks in 1983 bought about the same amount of food and stuff that eight bucks will net you now, right? But man, eight bucks for a little action figure is pretty dumb.
That being said, the new figures are shockingly great. My nine 2009 American funbuxx netted me a whole lot more detail and quality than my three 1983 dollars used to buy. I’m not entirely sure about the movie’s design aesthetics, but I’ll be doggoned if these aren’t about the most impressive 1/18-scale toys I’ve ever seen. Yes, yes, Microman has more posability, but Microman is featureless blank plastic. These little dudes are crammed with insane amounts of sculpted detail and articulation.
So, for instance, while I’m not sure why they gave the Neo-Viper (left) and Viper Commando (right) facemasks that make them look like the hybrid baby alien from Alien: Resurrection, I can’t deny that there’s some quality design happening. Their uniforms look like reinforced fabric, and their body armor has all kinds of minute texture. I’m especially impressed by the Neo-Viper’s gun/backpack interface which lets you attach his rifles to either side of his field kit, Mass Effect style. And despite all the detail, they’re really posable and actually have a much better range of motion than a lot of simpler-looking figures Hasbro was producing a year ago. Sure, I don’t really need it (since I pretty much just line up the toys on my shelf and leave them be), but if these had been the toys available when I was a kid I’d have been in friggin’ heaven. The whole reason I started buying G.I. Joe figures in the first place is because they were far more detailed and flexible than Kenner’s crummy Star Wars toys, and these are a few orders of magnitude more involved and playable than the best anyone could offer way back then.
Actually, that’s the other thing that impresses me about the new toy line: they’re intricate enough for stupid manchildren like me, but they’re crammed with enough play value to appeal to kids. It’s almost like Hasbro remembered who toys are actually supposed to be for! This, of course, has made many collectors angry. I’m trying not too hard to dwell on what this says about my peer group.
Basically, it seems like every figure in the line comes with a spring-loaded rocket launcher that’s inexplicably longer than the figure is tall. Silly, but the springs inside have some pretty decent power, none of this “safe for your eyeballs” nonsense like most toys are hampered by. And reportedly the launchers can attach to vehicles and playsets. My favorite of these so far is definitely Scarlett’s, the yellow one: not only does the missile look like a grappling hook, it’s attached on a string to a smaller grappling hook, which in turn is connected to a plastic harness that the figure can wear on her back. Basically this means Scarlett can hold a rocket launcher and fire a missile so powerful it launches her into the air. Brilliant.
If I were about, oh, eight years old (like I was in 1983), these would be the most amazing thing ever, and I’m glad Hasbro went ahead and included them despite knowing that a bunch of sweaty forum rats would mope about their existence. Being a purported adult, though, I’m just going to blog about them with a modicum of self-conscious embarrassment, then quietly line the figures up on the counter behind my desk. It’s what my eight-year-old self would have wanted.
Something I’ve always liked about G.I. Joe (as I mentioned yesterday) is that it took a progressive approach to things like race and gender, considering it was a toy about the military with its roots in the ’60s and ’80s. Granted, some aspects of the franchise were more progressive than others; the cartoon was content to throw in a few stereotypical caricatures and call it a day. (Roadblock no doubt doth protest: “Ain’t no crime/to make black people rhyme!”) But really, the first couple years of the toyline alone were impressively diverse, all things being equal:
The team kicked off with an experienced black Vietnam vet, a female counter-intelligence agent, and a Hispanic rocket specialist. The following year saw the addition of a second black character (a medical doctor), a Navajo paratrooper, a second female (who drove a frigging missile tank), and a native Hawaiian S.E.A.L. Not bad! No doubt much of this can be attributed to the fact that Larry Hama, a Japanese-American writer who himself served in Vietnam, wasn’t just responsible for the Joe comic but also for penning the bio cards that defined the characters’ names, backgrounds, and personalities. Aryan nation poster child Duke — the main dude in every cartoon incarnation of the franchise as well as the upcoming movie, and the guy invariably attached romantically to Scarlett (the redhead seen above, left) — barely registered in the comic, where Scarlett had the hots for the mute and grotesquely mutilated Snake-Eyes instead. Because he was a sensitive soul, you see, and also a totally awesome American ninja.
Bear in mind that the G.I. Joe ’80s “A Real American Hero” relaunch happened in 1982, the same year that Michael Jackson released Thriller. As everyone has reminded us repeatedly over the past week, Thriller was a landmark because it was the first time MTV allowed blacks on the network. I know America is hardly the apotheosis of unity, but relatively speaking we’re a big, open, loving society these days compared to the way things were just 25 years ago. And while they occasionally ran the risk of looking a bit much like The Village People, the characters of G.I. Joe made a positive impression on kids by subtly telling us that race and gender have no bearing on one’s abilility to shoot lasers non-lethally at terrorists.
Or so I’d like to think. But I made the tragic mistake of reading some G.I. Joe-related forums where I discovered that the lesson didn’t actually take very well. See, the upcoming movie features one of the Wayans (Marlon, I think, but the family’s downright Baldwinesque and difficult to keep track of) as Ripcord, a character who, in plastic, was a red-headed Irish-looking kid. This made many people quite unhappy. I can understand people reacting badly to the prospect of suffering Marlon Wayans for two hours, but so far as I can tell the complaint among G.I. Joe fans isn’t “oh no Marlon Wayans” but “how dare they turn Ripcord into a black guy!” I’m positive that if the movie were to include the Bongo the Balloon Bear subplot, the word “miscegenation” would come into play sooner or later. It was kind of depressing to watch, honestly.
I blame Sunbow, personally. If only they’d made a PSA about racial harmony, none of this would have happened.
“Remember, kids, people can still be awesome even if they’re a different color than you.”
“Wow, next time I see someone who isn’t white, I won’t instinctively burn him in effigy! Thanks, Flint, now I know!”
“And knowing is half the battle.”
Although I guess the problem might have something to do with the kinds of people who are instinctively drawn to violent fantasy cartoons about American military superiority? Nah, couldn’t be.
So, yeah, I ended up not taking Street Fighter IV home, because I just don’t have any interest in playing a fighting game — however good, lovely, and thoughtfully crafted it may be. But I did my fan duty by picking up a Chun-Li Revoltech figure. Does that count for something?
Sorry it’s a bit out of focus; iPhones are allergic to macro photography. Also, the robot isn’t mine.
Bonus points if you recognize the pose here. (Solution after the jump.)
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I’M A NERD
The first trailer for the upcoming Hollywood adaptation of G.I. Joe has hit the Internet, and it is…awful. Execrable. Embarrassing. A disgrace. This is, as it should be.
I suppose this is where a certain percentage of 30-something man-children revert to a feral state and begin snarling about how such-and-such a person/group/entity is sexually violating their childhood, but let’s not be silly. Much as I enjoyed the Joe cartoon before growing old enough to know better, much as I loved Larry Hama’s comic book adaptation before the ineffable hand of Hasbro demanded he do less intricate storytelling and more selling of their neon-colored missile-launching toys, the rumors (floating around even way back then) of a live-action adaptation made me roll my young (and too sheltered to be cynical yet) eyes. How could an adaptation of a toyline that featured such winners as Ice Cream Soldier, Skidmark and Raptor the Flying Accountant be cast with live humans and not be ridiculous? It can’t. Of course, it’s 20 years later, so instead of ugly cartoon-style costumes and bad bluescreen effects we’ll be getting ugly X-Men-style costumes and bad CG effects. Plus ca change….
This whole thing is happening, of course, because of the equally abysmal Transformers, which stunned me and pretty much anyone with a fondness for quality entertainment by becoming a massive blockbuster. There’s no way this one will fare equally well, of course — even if the national zeitgeist hadn’t turned away from war-as-policy in the past year or so, there’s surely only so much poo you can pile on the public before it shakes its collective self and hits the shower. I feel kind of bad for everyone attached to this product, except maybe Dennis Quaid, who’s old enough to know better. I’m sure the only one who’ll come out of this disaster untarnished will be Ray Park, because (1) he’s playing Snake-Eyes and gets to wear a mask the whole movie and (2) Hollywood always needs limber physical actors for its crappy blockbusters.
That being said, I’ll definitely be going to see the movie. Maybe even opening weekend! I have no interest in actually watching it, but I figure I need to repay the girlfriend for her, er, kindness — she’s expressed her intent to take me to see Twilight despite my naked horror at the prospect. I figure taking her to see this year’s worst movie seems a fair trade for being dragged to what is widely regarded as last year’s worst.
And in the meantime, my nostalgic love for the G.I. Joe toyline will continue unabated, because I understand what it’s really about:
Cobra commandos trying to rescue Destro from Parappa the Super Servbot, of course.
Looking back, I could make the case that the holidays were a hassle. I had to move from an apartment into a new house, drive for hours in sub-freezing temperatures with the the windows down on account of a carbon monoxide leak, meet my future in-laws, navigate a newly two-household family, travel a cumulative 31 hours, and wrestle with three different wireless networks. That would be stupid though, since my girlfriend got me the following for Christmas:
[[image:jd_090111_rockband.jpg::center:0]]
Yep, it’s one of those Rock Band “Bandmates” figurine things. My Rock Band character’s resemblance to myself is stunning (most prefer to use the term “creepy”) right down to body language. I own that shirt and everything. So I basically have a custom made action figure of myself. Do you have one of those? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
And yes, I play bass on Rock Band. Sue me.
Edit: People (or at least Bergasa down there) want a comparison pic. Fine: I’ll overcome my crippling phobia of putting pictures of myself online.
[[image:jd_090111_rockband1.jpg::center:0]]
They’re making a 1/6 scale Golgo 13 action figure with a briefcase containing a disassembled custom M-16? And it’s $200? Man, that’s nothing. I can totally sell a kidney for way more than that.
[[image:indydeath1.jpg:Bad dates.:center:0]]
With Kingdom of the Crystal Skull released for home consumption this past week, it’s a good time to discuss what I consider the best thing to come out of it: Hasbro’s Indiana Jones toy line. However, much like a certain Thuggee temple, it was doomed from the start.
The concept seemed like a no-chilled-monkey-brainer. As per the standard Hollywood promotion, the Indy line was launched last May, shortly before the new film, and began with assortments of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull figures, with Last Crusade and Temple of Doom waves following in June/July and September/October, respectively. To add to their value, each figure came with a special “hidden” boxed artifact to turn us into amateur archaeologists. I was so excited by the line that it got me back into action figure collecting after years of squandering my money buying other plastic things.
The Raiders assortment was especially notable for being an assumed remake of the long-forgotten and failed 1982 line that followed shortly (if not a bit late) after the film’s initial release. The new figures of course featured Indy (two of them!), Marion, Sallah, and Belloq, but also the all-important Monkey Man and the flashy Cairo Swordsman, who suffered a frustrating death from the business end of Harrison Ford’s diarrhea…er, Indy’s pistol. The Crystal Skull figures followed suit with Indy (two of them!), that new kid Mutt (two of them!)…and you can probably see where I’m going with this.
Overall, I liked the figures. They were definitely flawed: the likeness of Harrison Ford was a definite bust on the Raiders figures; paint applications were sloppy throughout and made his eyes look cartoonish, and some figures suffered from poor articulation. They were about on level with Hasbro’s ubiquitous Star Wars line, which is an apt comparison considering the fan base cross-pollination between these two Lucasfilm properties. In any case, I picked up a few of the figures from these initial waves, the results of which you can see here from this old thread of mine.
The movie came and went. It was a box office smash, sure, but reactions amongst fans ranged from brash to apocalyptic. Me? As an ex-Star Wars geek, I had already survived Ragnarok once with Episodes I through III; Crystal Skull was nowhere near their subterranean level, but still not as good as Indy’s ’80s adventures. Besides, Indiana Jones-wise, I was looking forward to something more important — the figures from my favorite Indy films, Last Crusade and Temple of Doom.
The Last Crusade wave had musts like Dr. Elsa “Jones two-timer” Schneider and the pithy Nazi Colonel Vogel, but the star of the show was the Sean Connery figure, a.k.a. Dr. Henry Jones. Online pictures showed a near-perfect likeness of Connery, and demand for him ensured he would be a tough find. When June came, I searched for this wave everywhere I went. Then July. Then August. Then September came, and it was rumored and then confirmed that Hasbro was pulling the plug on the line. Temple of Doom would be the last wave released to retail. Of course, the Fates were toying with me all along: I found the Sean Connery figure in the wake of this dire announcement at an out-of-the-way KB Toys.
[[image:indydeath2.jpg:DOMINUS DIABOLUS SABAOTH:center:0]]
My own experience highlights the real problems of the entire line. The first and more pressing issue is that the figures didn’t seem to be selling at all. My local stops like Wal-Mart and Toys R Us always seemed to have pegs bustling over with the same four Indy figures and two Mutts, with no room for anything new. Some sleuthing online also showed the poor allocations within the case assortments (a.k.a. how the figures are shipped to retailers): new figures like Connery were shipped one per case alongside a couple Crystal Skull Indys and Mutts. Hasbro has insisted that those Indy and Mutt figures were their biggest sellers, but to fans, hearing that is akin to being stuck in a refrigerator with Willie Scott constantly screaming, only to be nuked to a co-Nazi-Communist rally, survive, and find out that the whole thing was carefully orchestrated by aliens who were being operated by CG gophers.
Messy paint applications, over-saturation caused by bad case assortments and distribution, and an overall negative fan reaction to the new film prevented this line from being anything other than a short-lived movie tie-in. Even the “hidden artifacts” turned out to be a bit of a sham; most of them were scaled for twelve-inch figures, making them pretty much worthless for the smaller size.
A true shame, as the overall quality of the line increased exponentially with successive waves; I have the full authority to say that the Dr. Henry Jones figure is one of the best toys ever released. As for the Temple of Doom wave, it looks like it might be even better than that! I can’t say for sure, though, as I’ve only seen them in pictures online, and it’ll remain that way for a while, possibly forever. Who knows (besides eBay)?
It appeared Hasbro was planning for this line to be sustainable, as a second wave of Raiders figures was planned for next year that included necessary characters like melty-face Toht. However, due to the line’s failure and subsequent axe murder, that wave was forever dumped into a crate, nailed shut, and stored in a warehouse until Hasbro needs to melt some plastic to make a few more Darth Vader variations. There have been rumblings of a fifth Indy movie, so any hope for further figures might rest on that hope. I would kill to see a “Nuked the Fridge” pack that comes with Indy and an in-scale lead-lined refrigerator for infinite immortal play possibilities. And CG gophers.
I suffered a random wave of hopeless curiosity about a toy I had as a kid a while ago and decided to indulge myself by snagging one off eBay for a few bucks. The toy in question: the Dreadnok Thunder Machine from the G.I. Joe line. I had a sudden realization about how utterly odd it was: in a line of military realism (back when it was more or less about military realism, mind you, and not a pro wrestler driving around on a neon open-top battle tank), this vehicle possessed a different sort of realism. The Thunder Machine was basically a chop shop special — a hodgepodge mess of random vehicle parts welded together and covered with makeshift armor plating.
It appears to possess the body of a truck with a jet engine bolted to the back and a Camaro grille bolted to the front — no doubt for vanity. Strategically-placed bits of armor protect the drivers, and there are twin gatling guns on the front. I’m not too certain about the jet engine, but the rest of it is uncannily convincing as a sort of urban guerilla armored vehicle. As a kid I thought it was simply cool-looking, but now I really wonder who came up with something so offbeat yet appropriate.
Anyway, I just noticed tonight that there’s a set of police flashers bolted to the top, which pretty much pushes it over the edge from “great toy” to “greatest toy.” You kids these days don’t know how bad you got it. Playthings were way more awesome when I was your age.
[Image from Yo Joe]