Games | Weekly Game Releases | Week of Sept. 11, 2007: This week has a nice chunk of games. Most of them aren't worth mentioning, but we're going to do it anyway! Because we care. Or are very masochistic (it's a thin line).


List compiled by reibeatall and Sarcasmorator | Posted September 11, 20XX


Game of the week | Heavenly Sword


If Kratos were a lady with a tan and a shock of bright red hair, he'd probably star in Heavenly Sword. We're oh-so-thankful he's not. Instead, we have Nariko, who can whip a couple razor-sharp blades around with the best of them. And like the Chronicles of Riddick, the sequels are already written! Features the voice of Andy Serkis as King Bohan, my preciousssssssss. A demo is available for download on the PSN; check it out.


Also appearing in stores


Donkey Kong: Jungle Climber
The sequel to DK: King of Swing adds a second vertical screen of action for Donkey Kong fans to swing around in. The original was pretty good, so chances are that this will be, too, unless Nintendo's streak of portable sequel incompetence (see: Yoshi's Island DS, Wario: Master of Disguise) continues. With that said, can we please ditch the abominable Rare design for the character?


Drawn to Life
In this game you use the DS stylus to -- get this -- draw and color to make your way through the game's levels. Actually, that sounds pretty cool. Aw, crap. There goes my cynical facade. Uh, it sounds pretty cool as long as the gameplay doesn't suck. Ah, that's better.


7 Wonders of the Ancient World
Another shovelware DS puzzle game that requires matching gems. Probably three at once, knowing how these things work. Save yourself some cash and just play it for free online.


Jam Sessions
Jam Sessions in your pocket is like having an acoustic guitar in your pants. You pull it out, strum some notes, make some music, and impress all the chicks in the area with your amazing guitar ability.


Dot.Hack//G.U. Vol 3 Redemption
The third and final chapter of the Dot.Hack G.U. action-RPG series, not to be confused with the the original Dot.Hack video games, or the Dot.Hack//Sign anime, or the Dot.Hack Enemy CCG, or the Dot.Hack//Fracture MMO, or any of the other Dot.Hack stuff that's been released. Got all that? Recommended for gamers who long for the grinding of an MMO but hate other people.


NHL 2008
For you Canadians in the audience (and anyone else who likes hockey, I guess), there's EA Sports' annual hockey game...


NHL 2K8
...aaaand here's 2K Games' version. Take your pick! It's hard to tell the difference. Even the box photos are almost the same. Basically just support the massive, soulless corporate empire you hate the least, I guess.


Guilty Gear XX Accent Core
The Guilty Gear series seems to be trying its level best to avoid ever producing a true XXX sequel. Thanks, Capcom, for setting that example! But hey, at least this version has re-recorded voices, new moves, music and artwork, multiple modes per character and -- wait a minute -- two characters removed because they're unfair in tournament play?! Justice and Kliff! Nooooooooooooo!


Dirt
Like GRAW2 a few weeks ago, here comes another latecomer to the PS3 party. This game involves dirt, and racing on it in fast cars. Race to your heart's content, but be sure to do it alone; the "multiplayer" mode is nothing more than racing your friend's ghost. In the old country, we called this "missing the point."


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion - Game of the Year
This compilation brings together the original Oblivion with the "Knights of the Nine" and "Shivering Isles" expansions, all in one tempting package. Obviously, this is a good deal if you haven't already downloaded those expansions, an even better deal if you've never played the game at all, and kind of a rip if you bought the older PS3 version as it included the Knights expansion upon its release in March. Sucker.


Fatal Inertia
This game's title is why you should always wear your seat belt. Don't let yourself be featured in the next edition of Red Asphalt! Koei's new racer runs on Unreal Engine 3 and allows you to use the physics of its fancy hovercars as a weapon or demolish the landscape to make things more "interesting." This one's another that offers a helpful try-before-you-buy demo.


skate.
When is a Tony Hawk game not a Tony Hawk game? When it's skate. (Yes, it's spelled just like that, presumably to increase its allure to the shift-key-hating emo skater kids demographic.) skate is EA's take on the skating genre and thankfully hasn't a single Hawk in sight. Because honestly, I'm so sick of Activision hawking Hawk that I could hock. It appears that even the controls have their own spin, allowing you to make up your own tricks organically instead of dialing in button combinations.


Kengo: Legend of the 9
Every system has its budget titles, and here's another one for the Xbox 360. While the title sounds like it might have to do with ninjas, and sneaking with ninjas, this game instead pits ninjas in one-on-one fights in fights to the death. Or fights to the knock-out. Please ignore the fact that the Kengo family tree began with Bushido Blade or you might be moved to tears of despair.


Math Play
"Math" and "Play" are two words that should never be used too closely to one another, let alone adjacently. Have a great time: Adding (woo!), subtracting (rad!), multiplying (tubular!), and dividing (boo!). Or maybe this is a game where you play with the cannibalistic 7. Why is 7 a cannibal? Because 7 8 9.


Pet Luv Spa and Resort Tycoon
The game in question is actually coming out for the DS this week, but we couldn't find any box art, so here's the PC version's cover. The kind of scary part is that a game like this, where you aspire to be king of the pet resort world, could only exist in a world where people love their pets to an insane degree. WE ARE LIVING IN THAT WORLD. Remember -- you can love your pets. Just don't LOVE your pets.


Jin Jin's IQ Challenge
According to the title of this game, one can safely assume that Asians sound smarter than the rest of us. Want proof? How does the game "Billy Bob's IQ Challenge" sound? Sometimes things become stereotypes because they're true. (Me, I'm spendin' my money on some pork rinds insteada this.)


Weekly WTF? | Spelling Challenges and More


There are two ways I can think of this game being played. Once involves a sentence similar to "How do you spell muscles?" Another involves having the adults from Peanuts ask you how to spell words. The "and more" in the title really pushes this game into "must buy" territory.

And that about wraps it up for this week. Tune in next week when we have way more games coming out than anybody needs. Again.


Talk about how crappy these games are!