Games | Weekly Game Releases | Week of November 13th, 2007: This is it, people. We're in full battle mode. The great games keep coming, one after another, and this week's GotW was a hard decision to make.


List compiled by reibeatall and Sarcasmorator | Posted November 12th, 2007


Game of the week | Super Mario Galaxy


We don't really have anything snarky to say about this game. It's a wonder and a treat. But, uh, we'll try: Mario's on a fantastic journey through space and gravity (and as we all know, gravity is rad) to save Princess Peach from Bowser AGAIN. Geez, real creative there, Miyamoto. He'll jump around on dozens of little planetoids, a gameplay mechanic ripped wholesale from the Ratchet & Clank series... then multiplied by an entire game and given a good blast from the spice weasel. Uh, wait, what are we even talking about? Oh, right. If you have a Wii, go buy this now. BAM.


Very Honorable Mention | Contra 4


Get ready to have your ass kicked. This super-awesome return to the Contra series' roots is something of a godsend to the old folks who enjoy getting nostalgic over "the good ol' days" when games were hard as hell and they didn't care if you could handle it. A lot of people who played and enjoyed the Contras have never actually beaten them. But hey, if you're a baby, you can always put it on "Easy." But where's the fun in that? Anyway, if you visit this site, you're probably one of the old folks I just mentioned, and you're already going to buy this just on the strength of it being the first Contra game in more than a decade that isn't a big piece of poop.


Also appearing in stores


Assassin's Creed
Remember that awesome Dark Brotherhood quest line from Oblivion that was so much more interesting than whatever the main quest was about? This seems sort of like that, except your character is designed as a parkour-performing killing machine stalking the streets of political hotspots a thousand years past via the magic of genetic memory. Or something. There are hazy sci-fi elements afoot, anyway! But those won't get in the way of stabbing marks in the neck with your sleeve knife.


Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles
Ever play House of the Dead and wish you cared about the "story?" Ever play Resident Evil and wish you could just light-gun it? Well now you can, with Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles! Be ready to revisit your favorite locals from all the previous Resident Evil games (except 4, which was good enough to be left alone) starting in the Arkay Mountains and ending with a few original scenarios that take place after Nemesis. So grab your Wiimote and play the game that the system was made for. Then, when you're done with Mario Galaxy, play this, too.


WWE: Smackdown vs. Raw 2008
With the recent rumor that WWF No Mercy would be making its way to WiiWare, this release seems to coincide perfectly. I don't know how the recent WWE games fare compared to their excellent N64 counterparts -- I still call it WWF, if that gives you any sense of how up-to-date we are -- but they seem to sell fairly well, so I assume they're not that bad. You can live the life of a superstar, customize your character's looks like crazy, pick from several fighting styles, and presumably hit your foes/friends/wife in the face with a folding chair. Everything you'd imagine from a wrestling game. So get ready to ruuuuummmmmmmmbbbbbblllllleeee and all that jazz.


Need for Speed: Pro Street
Nothing I can say about this game will change anybody's opinion on it. It's yet another Need for Speed game whored out to everyone console available courtesy of EA... and that includes cell phones. It's basically a legal version of The Fast and the Furious, and chances are that if you bought the other ones when they came out, you're already planning to buy this one. But it's not too late! You don't have to spend 60 bucks on something that's just like last year's, and the year before, and the year before....


Rayman: Raving Rabbids 2
Of all the third party mini-game collections for the Wii, Rayman: Raving Rabbids is still the best. First, it's pretty funny. Second, you look like an absolute retard playing it. Third, blackmailing your "friends" by recording their own play sessions with a hidden camera and the threat of YouTube are priceless. Ubisoft's been on an absolute roll lately, and we don't see it ending any time soon. Expect this game to be more of the same -- not quite as good as the last one, but infinitely better than Rayman Raving Rabbids 5 to be released in 2010.


Cooking Mama 2: Dinner with Friends
All the fun of cooking, but none of the heartbreak of actually eating food! Cooking Mama is truly the ultimate dieting game. If Majesco keeps this streak up, maybe we'll see that second Advent Rising game! Ah-hahah, ah-hah. Sigh.


Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3
What's this? An anime fighting game that's NOT Naruto? We must be in some sort of parallel dimension. DragonBall is Atari's only profitable franchise -- Muppet News Flash: FUNImation just took the DBZ rights away from Atari! So this, uh, swan song of sorts goes out swinging with yet another entry in the Budokai Tenkaichi sub-series, which itself is an offshoot of the Budokai series. Yes, that makes this the sixth one. It throws 161 characters -- yeah, you read that right, 161 -- at the player, more being better, apparently. Anyway, the DBZ games aren't terribly bad, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. Unless you want all 161 identical-looking characters to be powered up to over nine thousand, save yourself some money and pick up one of the older ones used, instead.


Kane and Lynch: Dead Men
Kane's a mercenary with a checkered past and nothing to lose! And Lynch's a schizophrenic with a checkered past and nothing to lose! Together, they fight, er, commit crime! With nothing to lose! Kane's doing it to save his wife and child, which I guess does mean he has something to lose. Lynch is doing it in order not to die, and so he can take Kane's place in the Sons of Liber--er, The Seven. A powerful group of mercs.


Petz series 2
Seriously, guys, buy Ubisoft stock. We keep bringing these games up, and it's not just to make fun of them. It's to show that gaming has begun moving into new areas, and these new areas are profitable. The first Petz series (including Dogz, Catz, Hamsterz Life, Horsez, Fashin Dogz, and a few others) has sold more than 3.5 million units. This is a fairly large number. Of course, when you look at Halo 3, which sold something like 1.8 million it's first day, it doesn't seem like a lot. Then you realize all of these Petz games combined probably cost a tiny fraction of Halo's development budget. Imagine if I had told you three years ago that the biggest sellers of gaming would be a bunch of games that focus on raising cute animals. You'd have crapped your pants! In fact, you're still probably warring with incontinence as you contemplate the reality that not only are these games being made, they're selling better than Zelda.


Orcs and Elves
When word came that John Carmack, co-creator of Doom and Quake, was hard at work on a game about orcs and elves that was actually called Orcs and Elves, and that it would be for mobile phones, well, that sounded pretty funny. But now that the game's out for DS... it still does! HAHAHA.


Beowulf
A computer generated game based on the computer generated movie based on the 1300 year old story about Good vs. Evil. The movie changes a bit of the story up, and a few people are upset about that. Namely poncy classical lit majors, who are so outraged they might actually leave their library basement's post-grad study cubicles for a few hours in protest. But this isn't about the movie. It's about the game, which has been getting fairly decent previews (especially for a licensed game). It's what you'd imagine, an action game. And... umm... that's about it.


Weekly WTF? | Pimp My Ride - Wii


Being probably the only person who visits this site who's actually PLAYED this game (and having the 130 achievement points to prove it) I can safely say that while this game isn't BAD, per se, there's absolutely nothing to it. It's a strictly why-bother game. And that was a year ago. Now that they've ported it to the Wii, I can't wait to see if they could actually make the game more pointless with waggle.

It did teach me how to Ghost Ride the Whip, though, so I guess it's not all that bad. After learning that and the Soulja Boy dance, I'll have mad street cred if I ever make my way to the ghetto where all these rappers grew up.


Talk about how crappy these games are!