Thumbnail Theatre: End of Evangelion Part 1

Shinji: Asuka, I hate myself and want to die. Please help me. I guess you should wake up first, though.


Shinji: Hmm... never mind. I think I can help myself. (fap fap fap)

Shinji: I totally hate myself for doing that. Although come to think of it, that means this little interlude of depravity encapsulates the entire Evangelion series.

Misato: Holy spit, I've hacked into NERV's secret files! Now I understand everything! I'm feeling so pleased with myself that I'll even throw the audience a few random tidbits that might make the plot of this movie vaguely coherent.

SEELE: At last, that incomprehensible "Lilith" plot twist from episode 24 has come to fruition and we can use the Evas to do some damn thing or another. Come, let us chant like idiots.

Maya: No! The Magi are under attack! I don't think we can withstand another battle depicted entirely by us screaming at glowing hexagons on a viewscreen!

Gendo: Go! Ritsuko! I choose you!

Ritsuko: The hell you do. But I'm so spineless I'll help anyway. HYPER MOM BARRIER! INTROSPECTIVE COUNTER-BLAST!

SEELE: Hmm, they've installed a "666" firewall. But their flagrant abuse of religious symbolism is no match for the UN task force!

Special Forces: We're soldiers of justice! Go! Kill everyone! Especially unarmed civilians and kids!

Cheerful Episode Subtitle No. 1: Love is Destructive

Gendo: Rei, let's go. It's time for me to grope you for the sake of human evolution.

Special Forces: Sorry, kid, but I love you. And love is destructive. So I'm going to kill you.

Shinji: Can I clean off my hand, first?

Misato: I can't let you kill Shinji. He hasn't undergone nearly enough psychological torture yet.

Shinji: I'd thank you, but I'm too busy moping.

Misato: How can I make Shinji cheer up? I know! I'll explain about how the apocalyptic Second Impact was engineered by a secret cabal to allow them to control the fate of all of humanity!

Shinji: Wow, great. Now I hate my entire species rather than simply hating myself.

Asuka: Mom? You're inside my giant robot? Yay! I feel like my soul is full of rainbows and sunshine! Let's go destroy the JSDF to celebrate!

Asuka: I'm indestructible! I'm a blazing dervish of destruction! Hideaki Anno's oedipal issues have transferred to me and now, protected by the Power of Mom, I'll save the world!

Special Forces: Take out the power cord!

Asuka: OK! I'm mostly indestructible.

SEELE: Send in the mass-production Evas!

Asuka: OK, fine. I'm not even close to being indestructible, but I'm way more pissed off than all of you. I win!

Misato: Ah! I am lung-shot. I'll tell you my life story if you promise to pilot the Eva.

Shinji: But I don't wanna.

Misato: Shinji, could you stop sucking with the sum total of your being for just a few minutes, please? Just how am I supposed to appeal to your sense of shame if you don't even have one? Look, make it back safely and I'll demonstrate the art of seducing a minor. Hint: you're it.

Shinji: Yay! Thermal expansion!

Misato: And thus, with a kiss, I die.

Shinji: Waitaminnit, she was bleeding internally. No! She's dead! Now who am I going to score with?

Gendo: Rei, meet Lilith. Lilith, Rei.

Ritsuko: Gendo, Rei, meet handgun. Handgun, Gendo and Rei. Let's explode together in a blaze of destructive love!

Magi: .....

Ritsuko: Thanks for nothing, Mom.

Gendo: I love you, so I have to kill you. Love's destructive, you know.

Asuka: Yay! I defeated the evil Evas! So I'm safe even though I'm out of power. Ah, happiness.

Maya: Look, the evil Evas are reactivating. And, uh, eating the helpless Unit-02 and Asuka.

Maya: *HURK*

Maya: Aw, there goes my lunch.

Asuka: If I didn't know better I'd think Hideaki Anno has a thing about causing mortal pain to underaged girls. ARHHHH!

Shinji: Asuka! That does it. Unit-01 activate! Symbolic Attack Alpha: HOLY JESUS CROSS!

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