Thumbnail Theatre: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Part 01

Amidala: Ah, it looks as though being the most cowardly politician in the galaxy has finally paid off. Thanks for your loyalty, charcoal girl.

Cordé: I'm so proud. *gurgle*

Yoda: Senator Amidala, glad am I to see that you let some faceless decoy die in your place. Now live to have children who will star in more interesting movies, you will.

Amidala: Let's cut to the chase, shorty. I want bodyguards.

Palpatine: How fortuitous! I just so happen to know a young Jedi padawan who would be perfect for the job. The fact that I've been grooming him to become a Sith Lord and see in you a catalyst for his fall into evil is a mere coincidence and should be ignored.

Yoda: Hmm, an ill-tempered apprentice with a troubled future, serving the machinations of a politician I trust not? A great idea, this would seem to be!

Anakin: Yippie skippy! I get to see Amidala soon! I'm as giddy as a school girl!

Obi-Wan: And about as convincing a future Darth Vader as a school girl, too. So never forget that you're an impetuous child who sucks at being a Jedi.

Anakin: Honestly, Master, your constant condescending platitudes could drive a man into a murderous rage or something.

Amidala: Nice to see you again, Obi-Wan. And you too, Anakin, even though I'll always think of you as nothing but an irritating little tot.

Anakin: And I'll always think of you as 100%, lucious, delectable, INTENSELY DESIRABLE WOMAN! *slobber*

Amidala: Um.... I'll just go lock myself in my room now.

Obi-Wan: A disturbance in the Force! I sense a video game-like action sequence looming!

Zam Wessel: Are you ready to make some keeerazy money?

Obi-Wan: You're reckless, Anakin. Leaping across speeding aircars is dangerous business.

Anakin: I'll be OK, Master. I've been playing lots of Strider 2 lately!

Obi-Wan: You leave me no choice but to make cutesy in-jokes about the original trilogy while shamelessly mimicking the cantina scene in Episode IV.

Anakin: Yuck. I think I liked it better when Lucas was ripping off video games rather than himself.

Dexter Jettster: Obi-Wan! Gimme a hug, you!

Obi-Wan: Has my life truly been reduced to hugging cheesy-looking computer puppets? Dear god, why couldn't Darth Maul have killed me instead of Qui-Gon?

Dexter Jettster: Hmm, looking at this assassin's dart I can see it was manufactured on Kamino. Also, Watson, if you'll look closely you'll notice that the man who fired it is swarthy, has short hair and his left leg is slightly shorter than his right. He had a severe gall bladder infection as a child that caused him to miss two weeks of third grade, his mother owns sixteen parakeets, and his uncle's name is "Mook." Any other questions?

Obi-Wan: Dozens, actually. Mostly concerning the plausibility of the story so far and the ludicrous leaps of logic we've been making. But I think that's par for the course when Lucas pens the script.

Anakin: You're dreamy, Padmé. Oh, did you know that I'm gonna be a Jedi? Hey, by the way, I'm hot for you. Did I mention that Master Obi-Wan makes me so angry? Also, please marry me. Master Obi-Wan, you suck!

Amidala: Wow, you weren't nearly this bi-polar as a kid. Let me guess. "Lithium, Ritalin... a Jedi craves not these things."

Anakin: Cut me some slack here. You try going from apprentice to hero to lover to nemesis in only 40 minutes of screen time, and we'll see how convincing you are.

Obi-Wan: Master Yoda, how could our records have overlooked an entire planet?

Kid: Duh, maybe someone altered the records, genius.

Yoda: Disheartening it is to see that the crux of the plot centers on a precocious snot being vastly more intelligent than two Jedi Masters.

Anakin: So, um, did I mention I've been obssessing over you since before I reached puberty?

Amidala: I believe the topic has come up once or twice. Did I mention that my chastity belt was specially designed to be Jedi-proof?

Taun We: Welcome, Master Jedi. We've been waiting for you. We even baked you a cake, although it's a little rancid after 10 years.

Obi-Wan: Oh. That's... nice. I'm... glad to... hear it. Blast, I'm not very good at improvisational pretense.

Taun We: Don't worry. Considering the calibre of the rest of the cast, your spate of awful acting fits right in.

Amidala: Hey Anakin, let's make hot, sweet love. No, wait, sorry - let's not.

Anakin: Don't worry, I can handle being left in the lurch like this. When you're being trained for a life of noble chastity, you become acquinted with cold showers at a young age.

Jango Fett: Your clones are based on the baddest, raddest, sexiest bounty hunter around. Their aim's not the best and their armor gets dirty easily, but if you feed and water them regularly and keep them away from Sarlaac pits and slow-rising doors they'll serve you well.

Obi-Wan: OK, but I'm keeping the receipt just in case.

Jango Fett: Oops, the audience is starting to fall asleep from all this poorly-scripted dialogue. We should probably try to kill each other or something.

Obi-Wan: That's fine. I just got a memo from the president of Hasbro asking us to give them more material to work with for creating action figures.

Anakin: Lookie! I'm buffalo surfing!

Amidala: Amazing. You may very well be the first actor on earth who is less unsettling and more convincing when depicted as an awkwardly-animated computer rendering.

Anakin: I... want... you. You... complete... me. I am... tormented... by you.

Amidala: Anakin, I realize that no actor, no matter how talented, could possibly redeem the terrible dialogue you've been given. But don't you think it would be a little more convincing if you were looking at me when you talk, rather than at the cue cards?

Anakin: Feh, acting. With you wearing that choke chain and leather bustier combo, every single male in the audience is completely sold on my unrequited lust.

Back to Thumbnail Theatre | Next: Part the Second